Whew! The last week I have been really entangled in spiritual "deep thoughts".... It is actually hard for me to even explain the exact nature of my ramblings, but it lies somewhere along the lines of "loving others"--
Last weekend I was asked to sing at a Bethesda conference-- a workshop for those who work with and minister to people recovering from sexual abuse or addiction. I hadn't really thought much about it-- it was just another time to sing, which I love to do, plus I was going to be leading worship with Randy Gill my worship minister at Woodmont. We have done our youth group summer camp worship sessions for many years, and we always have such a good time together. He is so wonderful, especially when he leads with his guitar.
The first day, I confess, went ok-- nothing special. We were a little hurried and had barely run through the song list. Scott was staying home from work to keep Luke while I was gone, but he still had to jump in on a few conference calls-- I hoped Luke had gone back down for a nap... I left after the opening set and didn't even stay to listen to the speaker or to sing on the last song.
The next day I figured would be more of the same-- Did God have a way of surprising me!!!
During the opening session, Randy revealed to all of us some good news about his son Chris. This is a long story in and of itself-- going of for several years, but he had really been on my heart ever since the Fresno conference. I was blessed to catch up with Randy and his wife while we were there and had learned more about his latest condition. I was so moved to hear the glimmer of hope in his voice and I felt such joy for them. I ended up staying to listen to the speaker, Marnie Feree. She attends Woodmont, and she and her husband had actually been on PrimeTime Live or some show like that on ABC earlier last year which I had seen, so I knew a little bit about her story although I had never heard her speak in person before. She began to tell her tragic story but in such a strong, victorious way-- her mom died, a man befriended her and then took advantage of her vulnerability... this began a destructive cycle of sexual dysfunction in her life. I was moved again-- she is such a gifted speaker. Her theme was how God can bring redemption through pain and she used many examples from her on tale to illustrate.
I have obviously heard the same principles many times, but something about her story really caused me to stop and think-- many people must be hurting and suffering this way-- and I am completely oblivious to it.
Last month I actually was struck by the realization that I don't love others like I should. Since I am outgoing and a social type-- it has been easy for me to overlook this. I am realizing that superficial demonstrances of concern are not what the Kingdom is about.... saying "Hi" doesn't go a long way to really making a difference in people's lives.
I have always been good at "doing" things for people-- sweet e-mails or encouraging notes or surprise gifts... But that is also a way of avoiding the real task of establishing meaningful connections with others.
I stopped to think about why this was-- and I had to conclude that I was simply being selfish. I had started focusing on my needs-- and Luke's-- and I had forgotten how to be hospitable to others. I was good at the friendships I had already established-- with the people who I considered friends and "worthy of my time" and emotional investment... But, beyond that, I had sadly been lacking.
So--- This is a ongoing process of learning and growth that I hope God will lead me through. Scott and I have committed to opening our home each week to others besides our immediate circle of friends or small group.... We want to start reaching out to those we don't know well and who might need someone to be a listening ear or kind shoulder to lean on-- who need someone to be Jesus to them in the biggest way.
The more I ponder the topic of being hospitable, the more I am convinced that it is the very core of what it means to be a Christian. When Jesus was asked what the most important law was, he said, "Love God, Love others." I am starting to see that it is really that simple. In opening our hearts and becoming vulnerable to others we truly learn how to rely on Him, to have a deeper faith, and to see the world through more compassionate eyes.
The night before last, we had taken Luke to our favorite "meat-and-three" hangout for dinner. As we were coming in, Eddy Arnold was headed out. He stopped to talk with Luke and grabbed his stomach to see for himself how big and sturdy he was!!! Eddy was a huge star back in the 50's I think was his heyday-- I wouldn't have recognized him as anything but a sweet older gentleman, except when we sat down we noticed an old autographed album cover of him on the wall! Our waitress confirmed that he was one and the same and also shared that he had just been given a lifetime achievement award by the Grammy's-- he wasn't going to attend. She said he was also mentioned in the opening scenes of Ray, the movie about Ray Charles. What a fun encounter with someone who has surely lived an interesting and colorful life!! Only in Nashvegas!!
So-- on this Valentine's Day 2005, Scott and I will go out to our favorite fancy restaurant and celebrate our 13th Valentine's together! What a wonderful time it has been! I am so blessed to have a husband who encourages me in my wacky spiritual journey and who supports me and joins me in my crusade to be a more loving Christian to everyone I meet.
Thank you, Lord!!
Monday, February 14, 2005
Friday, February 04, 2005
Count it Pure Joy...
I couldn't sleep last night for the longest time-- thoughts were just racing around in my head.... One of the topics I began pondering as one can only do at 2:00 a.m. was the concept of pain-- or rather, endurance through pain.
I guess it had been on my mind because the last thing I did before bed was reply to an e-mail. One of my family members has recently gone through a divorce. There is much pain and hurt. My advice was to remember that there is hope on the other side of pain, so we should almost learn to embrace the pain, knowing that it will make us wiser and stronger once we make it to the other side. I started thinking about how the physical realm of life actually bears this out over and over.... This week my son turned one-- Oh, how I remember the pain this time last year that I felt when the first pangs of labor struck! At first I was completely taken aback by the force and intensity of it all, but I learned pretty quickly that if I stopped trying to fight it, I could control it instead of it controlling me... When I focused on breathing in deeply and relaxing, despite the hurt, it was much more bearable... and the reward on the other side?-- Well, he is priceless!
Really, at every stage of life and in the smallest details of my ordinary routine, this is proved to be true over and over again.... When I am working out and grimacing in pain and think I can't possible lift the weights one more time... I grit my teeth and keep going-- mind over matter-- and although I literally tear my muscles down each day, they rebuild and become even stronger. I like being sore when I get out of bed in the morning because I know that I really pushed myself the day before. Or-- the pain of conquering a fear of some type... it is so hard to get up the courage to follow through, but once it is over, there is such a sense of accomplishment-- like the time I was learning to ski and the slope I was trying to tackle might as well have been Mount Everest! I was freezing and in pain because of the many falls I had already endured. I have to laugh now, because that green slope is nothing compared to the black diamond runs I can easily maneuver now.
Luke is also showing me this each day-- One day he can't sit or roll over... he is so frustrated and defeated... soon he is crawling, standing and stepping! Today I took him for his 12-month check up and he had to get two shots. I think he was definitely in pain by the way he was screaming! Even as his mom who wants to shelter and protect him in every way, I have never really gotten upset, because I know that this pain I have allowed him to experience is for his own good-- and he won't remember it in the long run!
So-- this all sounds great in the wee hours of the morning in my half-conscious state.... But, when you get those e-mails about friends and loved ones who are in the midst of their drowning seas of pain... you hurt, too. A father and mother who are grieving over their prodigal son who is still wallowing in the pit of drugs and darkness; a husband who is grieving over his wife's physical ailments and struggles; a woman wounded from the betrayal of her husband and his complete abandonment of her-- all of these are at the top of my prayer list today.
It is much easier to celebrate with people on the other side of the "Refiner's Fire" than it is to know what to say or do when someone is crying out from their loneliness or grief.
I often worry myself-- that although I logically comprehend the process of pain-- that some lessons God ultimately teaches us can only be learned through the pain experience... I fear that when my next bout with pain occurs-- whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually-- that I won't be up to the challenge-- that I will let the pain blind me from the bigger picture of it all... plus, I don't really like to think about what would have to happen in my life to bring about such pain-- betrayal, abandonment, sickness, death....
God tells us that we should consider it joy when we experience those types of trials because they do lead us to the discipline and perseverance we need to maintain our faith. It is so much harder when the human parts of us are hurting and grieving. Yet, it is this very pain which reminds us that this world is not our home and creates the restless longing in our hearts and soul for something more-- something better beyond this life and this existence... an eternal life with Him.
Thank you, Father, for promising to bring good out of our pain and sorrows-- for reminding us that You will use these times to discipline and to shape us into more of whom You want us to be. I also thank You for bringing comfort and peace to us even in the midst of our suffering and pain, and I beg You to shower the ones I love who are in pain with Your grace and mercy today-- surround them with Your love and give them wisdom and knowledge to strengthen them so that they may endure.
I guess it had been on my mind because the last thing I did before bed was reply to an e-mail. One of my family members has recently gone through a divorce. There is much pain and hurt. My advice was to remember that there is hope on the other side of pain, so we should almost learn to embrace the pain, knowing that it will make us wiser and stronger once we make it to the other side. I started thinking about how the physical realm of life actually bears this out over and over.... This week my son turned one-- Oh, how I remember the pain this time last year that I felt when the first pangs of labor struck! At first I was completely taken aback by the force and intensity of it all, but I learned pretty quickly that if I stopped trying to fight it, I could control it instead of it controlling me... When I focused on breathing in deeply and relaxing, despite the hurt, it was much more bearable... and the reward on the other side?-- Well, he is priceless!
Really, at every stage of life and in the smallest details of my ordinary routine, this is proved to be true over and over again.... When I am working out and grimacing in pain and think I can't possible lift the weights one more time... I grit my teeth and keep going-- mind over matter-- and although I literally tear my muscles down each day, they rebuild and become even stronger. I like being sore when I get out of bed in the morning because I know that I really pushed myself the day before. Or-- the pain of conquering a fear of some type... it is so hard to get up the courage to follow through, but once it is over, there is such a sense of accomplishment-- like the time I was learning to ski and the slope I was trying to tackle might as well have been Mount Everest! I was freezing and in pain because of the many falls I had already endured. I have to laugh now, because that green slope is nothing compared to the black diamond runs I can easily maneuver now.
Luke is also showing me this each day-- One day he can't sit or roll over... he is so frustrated and defeated... soon he is crawling, standing and stepping! Today I took him for his 12-month check up and he had to get two shots. I think he was definitely in pain by the way he was screaming! Even as his mom who wants to shelter and protect him in every way, I have never really gotten upset, because I know that this pain I have allowed him to experience is for his own good-- and he won't remember it in the long run!
So-- this all sounds great in the wee hours of the morning in my half-conscious state.... But, when you get those e-mails about friends and loved ones who are in the midst of their drowning seas of pain... you hurt, too. A father and mother who are grieving over their prodigal son who is still wallowing in the pit of drugs and darkness; a husband who is grieving over his wife's physical ailments and struggles; a woman wounded from the betrayal of her husband and his complete abandonment of her-- all of these are at the top of my prayer list today.
It is much easier to celebrate with people on the other side of the "Refiner's Fire" than it is to know what to say or do when someone is crying out from their loneliness or grief.
I often worry myself-- that although I logically comprehend the process of pain-- that some lessons God ultimately teaches us can only be learned through the pain experience... I fear that when my next bout with pain occurs-- whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually-- that I won't be up to the challenge-- that I will let the pain blind me from the bigger picture of it all... plus, I don't really like to think about what would have to happen in my life to bring about such pain-- betrayal, abandonment, sickness, death....
God tells us that we should consider it joy when we experience those types of trials because they do lead us to the discipline and perseverance we need to maintain our faith. It is so much harder when the human parts of us are hurting and grieving. Yet, it is this very pain which reminds us that this world is not our home and creates the restless longing in our hearts and soul for something more-- something better beyond this life and this existence... an eternal life with Him.
Thank you, Father, for promising to bring good out of our pain and sorrows-- for reminding us that You will use these times to discipline and to shape us into more of whom You want us to be. I also thank You for bringing comfort and peace to us even in the midst of our suffering and pain, and I beg You to shower the ones I love who are in pain with Your grace and mercy today-- surround them with Your love and give them wisdom and knowledge to strengthen them so that they may endure.
Monday, January 31, 2005
These Obstacles are My Life
Saturday was Luke's first birthday party! What an incredible day it was! He fulfilled every parent's dream of what a first birthday should be-- right down to the full face plant into his cake!
We had invited family only and tried to plan it at the most convenient time-- but that turned out to be a more complicated proposition than I had originally thought.... It is hard to make everyone happy and not hurt anyone's feelings in the process I soon learned!!! (creamed corn! as Brandon would say) But-- the way Scott and I have chosen to look at it-- the people who were meant to be there, were there, and it was the best day!
Luke officially doesn't turn one until Thursday. I spent many LATE nights last week working on a DVD compilation of his first year. It was such a wonderful thing to review six video tapes worth of his life and to literally watch him develop right in front of my eyes. As hard as I have tried, most of those early days are simply a blur, and I am even more thankful now that I videoed and took SO many photos. The final DVD was just incredible! It got a standing ovation from everyone after the last credits rolled! I had also made copies of it for everyone to take home with them. It was a good thing!
So, Luke had a ball! He loved all the balloons and all the attention! He especially loved eating his ENTIRE little birthday cake with his face!!! He got icing all over him, but it was worth it!
Well-- another milestone in life-- another red date circled on the calendar has come and gone... I have often thought how odd it is that we tend to live from "big date" to "big date"-- such is life I guess. I remember thinking the same sort of thing as Scott and I pulled out of the church parking lot in his little red truck on our wedding day, with family and friends all waving good bye: "How strange that this day I have waited for ALL my life is now over!" And now-- "How strange that this precious little one that I have waited for all my life is now ONE!!!" My goal would be to live each day as if it were the big red date circled on the calendar-- the whole "carpe diem" strategy, I suppose. That way when those "big, circled-in-red dates" do roll around, they are just icing on the cake which makes every day life a little sweeter for the moment, but at their close, still don't take away from the specialness of our daily journey.
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or debt to be paid, then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." Alfred D. Souza
"Life happens too fast for you ever to think about it. If you could just persuade people of this, but they insist on amassing information." Kurt Vonnegut.
Life does happen too fast-- at least life as we know it here! Jesus even told us, "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away" (James 4:14). Today at the Y as we were leaving class, I overheard a woman wishing our instructor "happy birthday". She smiled and thanked her and told her that she was glad to be turning 36. The woman replied, "Well, as my grandmother always said-- it's better than the alternative!" I had heard that said many times before, but I had never heard the reply that the instructor gave in response-- she said, "Well, I guess it depends on where you are going." She is so right! We cling desperately to the wonderful moments we experience here, and perhaps we should, but we should never lose sight of the fact that we are still on this side of real life--- real life with the Father. I guess if we did a better job a keeping that in mind, we would live like each day were our last-- loving and laughing more, and trying to be Jesus to all those we come into contact with each day.
Thanks for a wonderful birthday party, Lord! You are so faithful and have blessed us in SO many ways!
We had invited family only and tried to plan it at the most convenient time-- but that turned out to be a more complicated proposition than I had originally thought.... It is hard to make everyone happy and not hurt anyone's feelings in the process I soon learned!!! (creamed corn! as Brandon would say) But-- the way Scott and I have chosen to look at it-- the people who were meant to be there, were there, and it was the best day!
Luke officially doesn't turn one until Thursday. I spent many LATE nights last week working on a DVD compilation of his first year. It was such a wonderful thing to review six video tapes worth of his life and to literally watch him develop right in front of my eyes. As hard as I have tried, most of those early days are simply a blur, and I am even more thankful now that I videoed and took SO many photos. The final DVD was just incredible! It got a standing ovation from everyone after the last credits rolled! I had also made copies of it for everyone to take home with them. It was a good thing!
So, Luke had a ball! He loved all the balloons and all the attention! He especially loved eating his ENTIRE little birthday cake with his face!!! He got icing all over him, but it was worth it!
Well-- another milestone in life-- another red date circled on the calendar has come and gone... I have often thought how odd it is that we tend to live from "big date" to "big date"-- such is life I guess. I remember thinking the same sort of thing as Scott and I pulled out of the church parking lot in his little red truck on our wedding day, with family and friends all waving good bye: "How strange that this day I have waited for ALL my life is now over!" And now-- "How strange that this precious little one that I have waited for all my life is now ONE!!!" My goal would be to live each day as if it were the big red date circled on the calendar-- the whole "carpe diem" strategy, I suppose. That way when those "big, circled-in-red dates" do roll around, they are just icing on the cake which makes every day life a little sweeter for the moment, but at their close, still don't take away from the specialness of our daily journey.
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or debt to be paid, then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." Alfred D. Souza
"Life happens too fast for you ever to think about it. If you could just persuade people of this, but they insist on amassing information." Kurt Vonnegut.
Life does happen too fast-- at least life as we know it here! Jesus even told us, "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away" (James 4:14). Today at the Y as we were leaving class, I overheard a woman wishing our instructor "happy birthday". She smiled and thanked her and told her that she was glad to be turning 36. The woman replied, "Well, as my grandmother always said-- it's better than the alternative!" I had heard that said many times before, but I had never heard the reply that the instructor gave in response-- she said, "Well, I guess it depends on where you are going." She is so right! We cling desperately to the wonderful moments we experience here, and perhaps we should, but we should never lose sight of the fact that we are still on this side of real life--- real life with the Father. I guess if we did a better job a keeping that in mind, we would live like each day were our last-- loving and laughing more, and trying to be Jesus to all those we come into contact with each day.
Thanks for a wonderful birthday party, Lord! You are so faithful and have blessed us in SO many ways!
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Birthday Reflections
Yesterday was my 34th birthday-- the day came and went without much fanfare, which is probably not a bad thing! Actually, last weekend in Fresno they had a cake for me and a couple of others who shared birthdays close to mine-- it was very nice. Also this week, three dear friends took me out for lunch at our usual hang out spot. They had also gotten me thoughtful gifts-- which they shouldn't have. I guess I am the one guilty of letting the day pass unremarkably-- I have just been so busy trying to get Luke's 1st party to come together-- which ironically, he won't remember! :)
Fresno was just a wonderful trip. This was the third year that ZOE has done a conference there. I didn't get to go last year because of Luke's impending birth. It was so nice to return. We stayed with the same host couple that we were with the first year. They are so precious, and it was so comfortable being with them again. The entire College Church is so gracious. They have embraced us and loved on us like no others-- and have fed us-- I know I gained 5 pounds! The worship times were great. It is a great feeling to have such confidence in the people that you are singing with that you don't even have to think about anything else but letting go in worship. Plus, I did exceptionally well, I must say, being away from Luke for the first time, too. I didn't worry about him once-- probably because I was so busy having fun and fellowshipping in Fresno, but also because I knew he was with Scott and well taken care of and loved just as if I were there anyway. It was good for them to have a "guys weekend".... ZOE is headed to Abilene at the end of February for a longer trip, so I hope he (and I) does as good next time.
I have almost finished the DVD compilation of Luke's first year! I even surprised myself-- it is good! So, even though my house is a complete wreck from all the remodeling, etc. I think I can get everything finished and pull off a great party. The counters are in, the tile is up (grouted today), the new foyer light is hung.... The small improvements have really made a big difference.
So-- I am another year older.... and wiser?! It is odd to think that this is my first birthday as mother. I have been so blessed. Jesus was supposedly 33 when he was crucified-- my 33rd year was so charmed and full of love.... What an odd contrast to ponder upon.... I just pray that I will find ways to carry out His work in my day-to-day stay-at-home existence, and that I will set a good example for Luke to follow. Lord continue to help me!
Fresno was just a wonderful trip. This was the third year that ZOE has done a conference there. I didn't get to go last year because of Luke's impending birth. It was so nice to return. We stayed with the same host couple that we were with the first year. They are so precious, and it was so comfortable being with them again. The entire College Church is so gracious. They have embraced us and loved on us like no others-- and have fed us-- I know I gained 5 pounds! The worship times were great. It is a great feeling to have such confidence in the people that you are singing with that you don't even have to think about anything else but letting go in worship. Plus, I did exceptionally well, I must say, being away from Luke for the first time, too. I didn't worry about him once-- probably because I was so busy having fun and fellowshipping in Fresno, but also because I knew he was with Scott and well taken care of and loved just as if I were there anyway. It was good for them to have a "guys weekend".... ZOE is headed to Abilene at the end of February for a longer trip, so I hope he (and I) does as good next time.
I have almost finished the DVD compilation of Luke's first year! I even surprised myself-- it is good! So, even though my house is a complete wreck from all the remodeling, etc. I think I can get everything finished and pull off a great party. The counters are in, the tile is up (grouted today), the new foyer light is hung.... The small improvements have really made a big difference.
So-- I am another year older.... and wiser?! It is odd to think that this is my first birthday as mother. I have been so blessed. Jesus was supposedly 33 when he was crucified-- my 33rd year was so charmed and full of love.... What an odd contrast to ponder upon.... I just pray that I will find ways to carry out His work in my day-to-day stay-at-home existence, and that I will set a good example for Luke to follow. Lord continue to help me!
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
An Empowered Life
Here's take two on what I think I wrote earlier today! :)
We have been trying to get our kitchen remodeled this month-- new countertops, tile backsplash, etc. They put the granite in Monday and hopefully the tile guy will have most of his work done Saturday. I cant' believe that we pulled off this transformation in such a short time-- basically three weeks! It's nice having friends in the contracting/builder world. Scott has wanted to upgrade the kitchen for so long. It will be nice.
On top of the frenzied chaos of picking out granite and tile and faucets and sinks--- I have also been trying to put together Luke's first birthday party! I got the invitations sent out last week and was very happy with how they turned out. We decided to just invite family this year. He won't know the difference anyway! My biggest and loftiest goal might prove to be my undoing! I am trying to take all the video footage and digital photos we have taken over the past 12 months and make a DVD to show at the party. In my head I want it to be this exquisitely put together pseudo-documentary on Luke's first year of life. Something that will bring tears to the eye, but also make us smile to think what a miracle he truly is. Scott got me the most high-tech computer that Dell makes-- and then some-- he had it built and he knows so much about computers-- I don't know much about all that spec stuff, and I got some awesome Sony editing software. I spent the last couple of night staying up late watching hours and hours of footage on the screen, sitting in awe, watching digital proof of just how fast time goes by.
It is surreal to stop and try to visualize future time-- like I wonder what I will be like when Luke is 18 and graduating from college?! What will he look like? What kind of man will he have become-- or still yet will make out of himself?! It just can't be done! Hindsight is more than "20/20" it is a genuine gift, yet we rarely stop to think of it that way. Hindsight allows us, if we stop long enough to notice, a glimpse into all things that have helped to shape us into who were are at this very minute. I am a different person after bringing Luke into the world, yes-- but I am also forever changed because I saw him laugh for the first time, and crawl, and scream "Da Da" and say "sock" every morning when I hold one up to put on his foot. (his pronunciation is more like gawk, but I know what he is saying!) I have always been sentimental about the past-- wanting to keep souvenirs of remembrance and the like-- but, I think as I am getting older, I am starting to see the past in a more complex and meaningful way. It is hard to put into words actually, but I just pray that realizing how precious time itself is, I will treasure the moments that God has given me.
I confess that I have felt "busy" lately in many aspects of life-- and it doesn't necessarily mean "busy" as in I have an overload of things to accomplish-- which I do feel-- but it is a deeper "busy"-- maybe more of an anxiety like something is happening and if I don't hurry up or open my eyes or position myself in just the right place, I might miss it. It is that restless feeling I have talked about before-- which really annoys me, because I have NO reason at all to feel restless or anxious. I admit-- I lead a pretty cushy life. To 99.9% of the world, fretting about whether or not your laundry is folded and put away is a luxurious worry. Maybe because my "worries" and "issues" are so seemingly small in comparison to SO many other things, that I feel badly about worrying at all-- maybe worry is a strong word-- badly about wanting to address the things in my life I want changed or done more efficiently.... But it all still seems foolish.... Especially when you hear news like we got on Sunday about the youth at the Highland Church in Abilene. We were so relieved that Mike and Diane's son Chris was going to be ok... but how about the parents of the little boy who died? How about the woman who was driving when the wreck occurred? How about the kids who saw the wreck happen? How about the church? How are the members supposed to deal with this? Or-- how about the tsunami victims? I could go on and on. Anyway-- I am working on trying to remind myself to stop being anxious and to be thankful. Thankful that I have a sweet, precious one year old to plan a party for-- DVD or no DVD!
It has been awhile since I have written anything of substance on the blog. I guess the "busy" junk has clouded out some of my deeper spiritual thought. I am still plowing through Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. It has really gotten to me-- I am hoping that we are going to start up a study of the book on Friday nights beginning in February with some other couples. They are good friends who also have a strong desire to be involved in the same kind of thought/study process. I have actually been pondering many things spiritual, but by the time I finally make it to the keyboard, the thoughts have gone... So, I don't guess those count.
I do want to share my new theme verse for the year-- 1 Corinthians 4:20. I can honestly say that I had never noticed it before in my life-- but a few weeks ago it jumped out at me:
So-- I am not sure that I have covered everything that I discussed in the "lost entry"-- but, perhaps this late night rambling is an even better offering....
I am headed out to Fresno this weekend for a ZOE conference. I am so looking forward to it. It is the first time that we have all sung together since our conference here in October. It was nice to sit around and sing together at our rehearsal run through last Sunday. It is hard to explain how easy it is for us to sing together-- it just all fits-- perfectly. We know the eccentricities of each other so well that we can anticipate where we are going--- It is our nine-year-plus history which has made us family that explains most of it. But, I also think that we all realize and have seen lived out in each other lives-- our feeble attempts to seek God. Yes, we lead worship together from coast to coast, but we all know that each of us has a genuine desire to know the Lord and to live for Him-- and we struggle and fail and also have victories along the way-- just like everyone else. LOVE those guys! It is still so crazy to think that God has used us to touch the lives of so many! Only He knows why! I pray that this weekend will be a time of renewal, sharing, and anything else the Lord wants to do!
This will be the longest I have EVER been away from Luke! I stopped nursing him last Saturday, so he really is a big boy now. Just in the past few days I have seen a subtle change in him-- He is getting more and more daring about testing his boundaries. When he reaches out to touch something he knows he isn't supposed to touch, he will continue to do so, all the while looking up at you with eyes that say, "I know I am not supposed to do this, but what will you do if I do it again anyway?" I am getting tired of smacking the hand and bottom and saying, "Mommy says 'no'" every five minutes. It just gets worse-- I know, I know! I have to admit that I kinda like the spunk I see in him when he looks a tad mischievous! I will live to regret that statement, I'm sure!
We have been trying to get our kitchen remodeled this month-- new countertops, tile backsplash, etc. They put the granite in Monday and hopefully the tile guy will have most of his work done Saturday. I cant' believe that we pulled off this transformation in such a short time-- basically three weeks! It's nice having friends in the contracting/builder world. Scott has wanted to upgrade the kitchen for so long. It will be nice.
On top of the frenzied chaos of picking out granite and tile and faucets and sinks--- I have also been trying to put together Luke's first birthday party! I got the invitations sent out last week and was very happy with how they turned out. We decided to just invite family this year. He won't know the difference anyway! My biggest and loftiest goal might prove to be my undoing! I am trying to take all the video footage and digital photos we have taken over the past 12 months and make a DVD to show at the party. In my head I want it to be this exquisitely put together pseudo-documentary on Luke's first year of life. Something that will bring tears to the eye, but also make us smile to think what a miracle he truly is. Scott got me the most high-tech computer that Dell makes-- and then some-- he had it built and he knows so much about computers-- I don't know much about all that spec stuff, and I got some awesome Sony editing software. I spent the last couple of night staying up late watching hours and hours of footage on the screen, sitting in awe, watching digital proof of just how fast time goes by.
It is surreal to stop and try to visualize future time-- like I wonder what I will be like when Luke is 18 and graduating from college?! What will he look like? What kind of man will he have become-- or still yet will make out of himself?! It just can't be done! Hindsight is more than "20/20" it is a genuine gift, yet we rarely stop to think of it that way. Hindsight allows us, if we stop long enough to notice, a glimpse into all things that have helped to shape us into who were are at this very minute. I am a different person after bringing Luke into the world, yes-- but I am also forever changed because I saw him laugh for the first time, and crawl, and scream "Da Da" and say "sock" every morning when I hold one up to put on his foot. (his pronunciation is more like gawk, but I know what he is saying!) I have always been sentimental about the past-- wanting to keep souvenirs of remembrance and the like-- but, I think as I am getting older, I am starting to see the past in a more complex and meaningful way. It is hard to put into words actually, but I just pray that realizing how precious time itself is, I will treasure the moments that God has given me.
I confess that I have felt "busy" lately in many aspects of life-- and it doesn't necessarily mean "busy" as in I have an overload of things to accomplish-- which I do feel-- but it is a deeper "busy"-- maybe more of an anxiety like something is happening and if I don't hurry up or open my eyes or position myself in just the right place, I might miss it. It is that restless feeling I have talked about before-- which really annoys me, because I have NO reason at all to feel restless or anxious. I admit-- I lead a pretty cushy life. To 99.9% of the world, fretting about whether or not your laundry is folded and put away is a luxurious worry. Maybe because my "worries" and "issues" are so seemingly small in comparison to SO many other things, that I feel badly about worrying at all-- maybe worry is a strong word-- badly about wanting to address the things in my life I want changed or done more efficiently.... But it all still seems foolish.... Especially when you hear news like we got on Sunday about the youth at the Highland Church in Abilene. We were so relieved that Mike and Diane's son Chris was going to be ok... but how about the parents of the little boy who died? How about the woman who was driving when the wreck occurred? How about the kids who saw the wreck happen? How about the church? How are the members supposed to deal with this? Or-- how about the tsunami victims? I could go on and on. Anyway-- I am working on trying to remind myself to stop being anxious and to be thankful. Thankful that I have a sweet, precious one year old to plan a party for-- DVD or no DVD!
It has been awhile since I have written anything of substance on the blog. I guess the "busy" junk has clouded out some of my deeper spiritual thought. I am still plowing through Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. It has really gotten to me-- I am hoping that we are going to start up a study of the book on Friday nights beginning in February with some other couples. They are good friends who also have a strong desire to be involved in the same kind of thought/study process. I have actually been pondering many things spiritual, but by the time I finally make it to the keyboard, the thoughts have gone... So, I don't guess those count.
I do want to share my new theme verse for the year-- 1 Corinthians 4:20. I can honestly say that I had never noticed it before in my life-- but a few weeks ago it jumped out at me:
- For the kingdom of God does not consist in words but in power. NAS
- God's Way is not a matter of mere talk; it's an empowered life. The Message
So-- I am not sure that I have covered everything that I discussed in the "lost entry"-- but, perhaps this late night rambling is an even better offering....
I am headed out to Fresno this weekend for a ZOE conference. I am so looking forward to it. It is the first time that we have all sung together since our conference here in October. It was nice to sit around and sing together at our rehearsal run through last Sunday. It is hard to explain how easy it is for us to sing together-- it just all fits-- perfectly. We know the eccentricities of each other so well that we can anticipate where we are going--- It is our nine-year-plus history which has made us family that explains most of it. But, I also think that we all realize and have seen lived out in each other lives-- our feeble attempts to seek God. Yes, we lead worship together from coast to coast, but we all know that each of us has a genuine desire to know the Lord and to live for Him-- and we struggle and fail and also have victories along the way-- just like everyone else. LOVE those guys! It is still so crazy to think that God has used us to touch the lives of so many! Only He knows why! I pray that this weekend will be a time of renewal, sharing, and anything else the Lord wants to do!
This will be the longest I have EVER been away from Luke! I stopped nursing him last Saturday, so he really is a big boy now. Just in the past few days I have seen a subtle change in him-- He is getting more and more daring about testing his boundaries. When he reaches out to touch something he knows he isn't supposed to touch, he will continue to do so, all the while looking up at you with eyes that say, "I know I am not supposed to do this, but what will you do if I do it again anyway?" I am getting tired of smacking the hand and bottom and saying, "Mommy says 'no'" every five minutes. It just gets worse-- I know, I know! I have to admit that I kinda like the spunk I see in him when he looks a tad mischievous! I will live to regret that statement, I'm sure!
An Empowered Life
Well-- I think Satan is trying to get to me for the last post I wrote! I just spent 45 minutes writing the most thoughtful, insightful, prolific post on how my life was going, and when I hit "publish post" an error page came up, and I lost every last bit of it!
Or-- Is the Lord trying to teach me patience?!
I'll do my best to recapture what I can remember! Well-- now Luke is waking up from his nap!
It's just not meant to be today! I will try again tomorrow!
Or-- Is the Lord trying to teach me patience?!
I'll do my best to recapture what I can remember! Well-- now Luke is waking up from his nap!
It's just not meant to be today! I will try again tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
2005 has arrived!
Another year has come and gone! It seems like yesterday that Scott and I were anxiously awaiting Luke's arrival and trying to imagine what our 2004 would be like with a little one! It is such a cliche, but so true-- time does fly. It is hard to believe that our first year with Luke has almost come to an end. We have learned so much and have experienced so much through him.
We had a wonderful Christmas with family and friends. Luke was just old enough to be fun, although I am sure he really didn't know what was going on. I have always adored the entire holiday season.... I start getting excited when the air first turns cold and Halloween rolls around. Then it is hayrides, bonfires, and cookouts! Next is Thanksgiving which is always such a good time with family and friends-- so nice to take time to purposefully dedicate an entire day to being thankful for all our blessings. Then Christmas is right around the corner! Another great time to celebrate God's most important and precious gift to us! What a wonderful holiday to give presents to those we love. Everyone just seems to be in the holiday spirit all over town. Perfect strangers seem to have kind words to say to each other. Then New Year's! A time to reflect on all the terrific things that have happened and to look forward to the new year ahead. It is also a time to ponder the things we want to change or do differently the next time around. January is a big birthday month for my family-- First my little sister and Scott's cousin celebrate on the ninth, then on the 12th, my mom and Scott share a birthday. My brother-in-law's is on the 24th. Mine is at the end of the month on the 26th. Then February-- where will be celebrating Luke's first birthday on the third! Then Valentine's Day-- Then Easter and Spring Break! Then it is summer again and Mother's Day!!! There is just one great reason after another to be happy this time of year!!!
Scott didn't really come from a family who was as holiday-crazy as I am. It has taken some time, but I have finally won him over to seeing how important it is to make these celebrations a part of our family traditions. I think he loves them as much as I do now, although he still laughs at all my Christmas decorations and says that my four Christmas trees are a little much!! I just love to get caught up in all of it-- It has been especially fun to start to see it all through Luke's eyes, and I am sure that as he grows, it will just keep getting more and more fun!
We were blessed to spend time with most all of the people we love. We had Christmas parties and brunches and family dinners and gatherings.... It was so nice. I couldn't imagine a better way to spend Christmas and New Year's.
So, another year has arrived. I am not sure at all what I should resolve to improve upon in 2005-- there are so many things I could stand to do better! I know I need to spend more time working on my relationship with God-- taking it from a mere acquaintance-based status to a genuinely intimate bond.... I heard a great analogy Sunday that clicked with me and seemed to sum up my feelings. John York, our preacher, used Rubel as an example for this terrific analogy-- He kidded Rubel about being such a die-hard Yankees fan. He said he bet he knew all the inside facts and tidbits about the team and players, that he knew their past record and what certain players liked and didn't like, etc. He stated that Rubel knew just about as much as he possibly could about the Yankees.... BUT, he asked Rubel if he personally knew any of the team players or coaches. Rubel said, "Derek Jeter has yet to visit my house for breakfast, lunch, or dinner." John went on to explain that that is how most of relate to God. We are often "God fans" who know a great deal about Him, but when it comes right down to it, we don't know Him on a personal level. That is where I feel I am right now. I pray that in 2005 I can move beyond that.
We will be heading to Fresno in a few weeks for ZOE's west coast conference. That is such a fun trip. The people there are SO amazing to us and have such a heart for the Lord. I didn't get to go last year because of being 8 months pregnant, so I am looking forward to visiting with all of them this year and having my spiritual cup filled to overflowing! It is so fun to travel with the ZOE gang! It will be my first time away from Luke though, so it will also be an adjustment, though I know he will do just fine without me-- not sure about how I will do!! :)
I also have Luke's first birthday party to prepare for! I will try to get the invitations in the mail this week! It is crazy to think that our little guy is almost a year old! He is so big and smart! His hair has started to lay down now, too, so he doesn't look like a baby any more! :( I had such a great moment in church Sunday with him-- I was holding him and we were standing up singing "My God Reigns" and people were clapping and all of the sudden, Luke started clapping his hands, too! It was so great to see him joining in-- just so precious. I also hope that this year I will be able to teach Luke about God and to start him on the path to his own relationship with Him. What an awesome responsibility! I am sure he will teach me more than I can imagine about what it means to be as a little child before the Father.
We had a wonderful Christmas with family and friends. Luke was just old enough to be fun, although I am sure he really didn't know what was going on. I have always adored the entire holiday season.... I start getting excited when the air first turns cold and Halloween rolls around. Then it is hayrides, bonfires, and cookouts! Next is Thanksgiving which is always such a good time with family and friends-- so nice to take time to purposefully dedicate an entire day to being thankful for all our blessings. Then Christmas is right around the corner! Another great time to celebrate God's most important and precious gift to us! What a wonderful holiday to give presents to those we love. Everyone just seems to be in the holiday spirit all over town. Perfect strangers seem to have kind words to say to each other. Then New Year's! A time to reflect on all the terrific things that have happened and to look forward to the new year ahead. It is also a time to ponder the things we want to change or do differently the next time around. January is a big birthday month for my family-- First my little sister and Scott's cousin celebrate on the ninth, then on the 12th, my mom and Scott share a birthday. My brother-in-law's is on the 24th. Mine is at the end of the month on the 26th. Then February-- where will be celebrating Luke's first birthday on the third! Then Valentine's Day-- Then Easter and Spring Break! Then it is summer again and Mother's Day!!! There is just one great reason after another to be happy this time of year!!!
Scott didn't really come from a family who was as holiday-crazy as I am. It has taken some time, but I have finally won him over to seeing how important it is to make these celebrations a part of our family traditions. I think he loves them as much as I do now, although he still laughs at all my Christmas decorations and says that my four Christmas trees are a little much!! I just love to get caught up in all of it-- It has been especially fun to start to see it all through Luke's eyes, and I am sure that as he grows, it will just keep getting more and more fun!
We were blessed to spend time with most all of the people we love. We had Christmas parties and brunches and family dinners and gatherings.... It was so nice. I couldn't imagine a better way to spend Christmas and New Year's.
So, another year has arrived. I am not sure at all what I should resolve to improve upon in 2005-- there are so many things I could stand to do better! I know I need to spend more time working on my relationship with God-- taking it from a mere acquaintance-based status to a genuinely intimate bond.... I heard a great analogy Sunday that clicked with me and seemed to sum up my feelings. John York, our preacher, used Rubel as an example for this terrific analogy-- He kidded Rubel about being such a die-hard Yankees fan. He said he bet he knew all the inside facts and tidbits about the team and players, that he knew their past record and what certain players liked and didn't like, etc. He stated that Rubel knew just about as much as he possibly could about the Yankees.... BUT, he asked Rubel if he personally knew any of the team players or coaches. Rubel said, "Derek Jeter has yet to visit my house for breakfast, lunch, or dinner." John went on to explain that that is how most of relate to God. We are often "God fans" who know a great deal about Him, but when it comes right down to it, we don't know Him on a personal level. That is where I feel I am right now. I pray that in 2005 I can move beyond that.
We will be heading to Fresno in a few weeks for ZOE's west coast conference. That is such a fun trip. The people there are SO amazing to us and have such a heart for the Lord. I didn't get to go last year because of being 8 months pregnant, so I am looking forward to visiting with all of them this year and having my spiritual cup filled to overflowing! It is so fun to travel with the ZOE gang! It will be my first time away from Luke though, so it will also be an adjustment, though I know he will do just fine without me-- not sure about how I will do!! :)
I also have Luke's first birthday party to prepare for! I will try to get the invitations in the mail this week! It is crazy to think that our little guy is almost a year old! He is so big and smart! His hair has started to lay down now, too, so he doesn't look like a baby any more! :( I had such a great moment in church Sunday with him-- I was holding him and we were standing up singing "My God Reigns" and people were clapping and all of the sudden, Luke started clapping his hands, too! It was so great to see him joining in-- just so precious. I also hope that this year I will be able to teach Luke about God and to start him on the path to his own relationship with Him. What an awesome responsibility! I am sure he will teach me more than I can imagine about what it means to be as a little child before the Father.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Christmas is Coming!
Luke and I went to my parents' home in Paris, TN, last weekend. Scott was headed to Denver for the company Christmas party, so I decided to pack up Luke and spend the weekend with Mom and Dad. I had never taken him to Paris by myself. It is a two hour drive-- He slept most of the way down on Friday and all the way back on Sunday.
My mom owns and runs a day care center. She started it when I was in high school. It is the most popular center in town. She had around 75 kids ages six weeks to five years. Many people put their baby's name on the waiting list before it even born! My mom was an elementary school teacher before she had me and my sisters and became a stay-at-home mom. Once my littlest sister was back in school, she went to work for a local church pre-school, then decided to branch out on her own. I remember how stressful it was for her to take the risk, but it had definitely paid off, and she really loves her work-- and she is VERY good at it! Luke had a great time playing in the baby room with all the kids and the many new toys to explore.
We spent the rest of the weekend having fun with Ma Betz and Pa Bob (my niece and nephew named them!). Luke was an angel as usual! He really loves his grandparents! It is so neat to see them interact with each other.
It is hard to believe that Christmas is only 9 days away! I have SO much shopping to do, but it is a little harder this year to hit the stores with a ten month-old-- even as good as he is. I am hoping to get in some quality shop time this weekend.
We will celebrate Christmas weekend here at our place. My parents will come up and then we will have a Christmas dinner with my parents and sister and the rest of Scott's family. Then, my sister and her family will drive down from Philadelphia and be in Paris on the 29th. We will head to Paris then and do Christmas with them and our family with my parents again! Doing the holidays get tricky as you get older and have kids! But it is fun!
I just mailed out close to 100 Christmas newsletters yesterday. Each year since we were married I have made a newsletter that recounts all that happened to us throughout the past year. I got the idea from my Mom who always did that when we were growing up. Every year the letter got a little more high-tech with the progression of my computer skills! I love having those letters! I put one in a scrapbook each year and now we have a great family archive of the past 10 years.
Every year I sit down to put the newsletter together, I am amazed at how good God has been to us! We are so blessed! It is so wonderful to include Luke's photo for the first time in this newsletter! Last year there was only an ultrasound photo as we were anxiously awaiting his arrival! Now we can't imagine life without him! 2004 has been a VERY good year!
My mom owns and runs a day care center. She started it when I was in high school. It is the most popular center in town. She had around 75 kids ages six weeks to five years. Many people put their baby's name on the waiting list before it even born! My mom was an elementary school teacher before she had me and my sisters and became a stay-at-home mom. Once my littlest sister was back in school, she went to work for a local church pre-school, then decided to branch out on her own. I remember how stressful it was for her to take the risk, but it had definitely paid off, and she really loves her work-- and she is VERY good at it! Luke had a great time playing in the baby room with all the kids and the many new toys to explore.
We spent the rest of the weekend having fun with Ma Betz and Pa Bob (my niece and nephew named them!). Luke was an angel as usual! He really loves his grandparents! It is so neat to see them interact with each other.
It is hard to believe that Christmas is only 9 days away! I have SO much shopping to do, but it is a little harder this year to hit the stores with a ten month-old-- even as good as he is. I am hoping to get in some quality shop time this weekend.
We will celebrate Christmas weekend here at our place. My parents will come up and then we will have a Christmas dinner with my parents and sister and the rest of Scott's family. Then, my sister and her family will drive down from Philadelphia and be in Paris on the 29th. We will head to Paris then and do Christmas with them and our family with my parents again! Doing the holidays get tricky as you get older and have kids! But it is fun!
I just mailed out close to 100 Christmas newsletters yesterday. Each year since we were married I have made a newsletter that recounts all that happened to us throughout the past year. I got the idea from my Mom who always did that when we were growing up. Every year the letter got a little more high-tech with the progression of my computer skills! I love having those letters! I put one in a scrapbook each year and now we have a great family archive of the past 10 years.
Every year I sit down to put the newsletter together, I am amazed at how good God has been to us! We are so blessed! It is so wonderful to include Luke's photo for the first time in this newsletter! Last year there was only an ultrasound photo as we were anxiously awaiting his arrival! Now we can't imagine life without him! 2004 has been a VERY good year!
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Milestone Moments ticking away
Although I need to be downstairs putting up my Christmas tree-- I just had to take a minute to post! Today Luke met Santa for the first time! One of our elders at church, Phillip Morrison, was Santa, and he is a very convincing one! Luke didn't think much of him at first and seemed to think he was interesting, but then he started crying. We got some good photos of him anyway.
Then, we took him to get his first hair cut. Scott gets his hair cut on 21st Avenue at a little barber shop that has been there for years and years. Luke sat in the chair like a big boy to start, but when the barber turned on the clippers, he started to cry! We made it through the cut, but Luke was not happy. He was just fine as soon as we took him out of the chair!
He doesn't look like my sweet little baby anymore! Now he looks like a boy! It is hard to accept that he is growing up so fast, but each new stage has just brought more and more fun to our lives, and I'm sure that is how it always is.
So, more and more milestone moments are ticking away right in front of my eyes! I am doing my best to savor them and to treasure them in my heart!
Then, we took him to get his first hair cut. Scott gets his hair cut on 21st Avenue at a little barber shop that has been there for years and years. Luke sat in the chair like a big boy to start, but when the barber turned on the clippers, he started to cry! We made it through the cut, but Luke was not happy. He was just fine as soon as we took him out of the chair!
He doesn't look like my sweet little baby anymore! Now he looks like a boy! It is hard to accept that he is growing up so fast, but each new stage has just brought more and more fun to our lives, and I'm sure that is how it always is.
So, more and more milestone moments are ticking away right in front of my eyes! I am doing my best to savor them and to treasure them in my heart!
Friday, December 03, 2004
My Spiritual Marathon
Now that the holiday season is in full swing, it is hard to find as much free time as I would like each day to sit down and blog--- There is much to do!
Luke is 10 months-old today! It is an absolute miracle to look back upon his first ten months of life. He has grown so much and has developed such a fun, sweet, and inquisitive personality. He is trying very hard to stand on his own, and I wouldn't doubt that he will figure out the walking thing soon. He will be such a fun age for Christmas this year!
As for my life... I still feel like there are things I should be doing that I'm not-- I just can't identify what that is.... But, the things I KNOW I should be doing, I am struggling to get accomplished!! Does that make any sense!?!
I am presently in the midst of reading several books: Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster; Waking the Dead by John Eldridge; and It's Not About Me by Max Lucado. All three of these books have great teaching and deep points to ponder, but for some reason, I just don't feel like any of it has started to truly soak into my soul yet. I think my biggest problem is that I am not spending enough time each day just meditating on God and praying. I have never been very good at that. I typically like to be on the go or wrapped up in something-- or the complete other extreme-- lying on the couch doing nothing! So, I haven't been very disciplined about simply making the time to spend with Him. Every part of my logical and practical mind knows this to be true--- I realize that God gives me the very breath that I breathe and that giving back to Him a part of the day is the least I can do..... So, why is it so hard to put it into practice. Is it Satan or just my like of discipline and laziness? I actually do a pretty good job every day of thinking about Him or even doing what I'm dong now-- writing about Him-- but I really struggle with the relationship part. When I think about men such as Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Augustine, C.S. Lewis, etc. and how seriously they seemed to take their faith and the relationship they seemed to have with God, it makes me ashamed that I am so spiritually pathetic in so many ways. I want to arrive at a point where it is not a chore to carve out time for Him each day, but that I long-- like a deer thirsts for water-- to be in His presence. I wonder if it is possible to be in that place for an extended period of time or if those moments are precious, few and far between....
I guess all relationships function in a similar way. You cycle through stages-- some more intimate and meaningful than others. But, you always know, even in those downward cycles, that a better day is coming, so you don't lose hope. You keep the faith and maintain the relationship. That is why divorce seems like such a tragedy. Perhaps if the couple had just waited until the next chapter of the relationship, things would have gotten better-- or even better than they ever had been. Maybe the worst thing that can happen to a couple is when one of them loses sight of the bigger picture and chooses to opt for immediate gratification somewhere else instead of hanging in for the long haul-- he or she would rather enter the 50-yard dash and have some excitement instead of preparing for the marathon of a genuine relationship.
So-- during this season that should be all about the most important gift ever given-- Jesus-- I am going to pray for more desire-- more desire for Him and a desire to be in His presence. I pray that He is patient with me while I am in the midst of trying to find my way in this "spiritual marathon" and I am hoping that the "great cloud of witnesses" in the heavenly stands are cheering for me even as I stumble!
Luke is 10 months-old today! It is an absolute miracle to look back upon his first ten months of life. He has grown so much and has developed such a fun, sweet, and inquisitive personality. He is trying very hard to stand on his own, and I wouldn't doubt that he will figure out the walking thing soon. He will be such a fun age for Christmas this year!
As for my life... I still feel like there are things I should be doing that I'm not-- I just can't identify what that is.... But, the things I KNOW I should be doing, I am struggling to get accomplished!! Does that make any sense!?!
I am presently in the midst of reading several books: Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster; Waking the Dead by John Eldridge; and It's Not About Me by Max Lucado. All three of these books have great teaching and deep points to ponder, but for some reason, I just don't feel like any of it has started to truly soak into my soul yet. I think my biggest problem is that I am not spending enough time each day just meditating on God and praying. I have never been very good at that. I typically like to be on the go or wrapped up in something-- or the complete other extreme-- lying on the couch doing nothing! So, I haven't been very disciplined about simply making the time to spend with Him. Every part of my logical and practical mind knows this to be true--- I realize that God gives me the very breath that I breathe and that giving back to Him a part of the day is the least I can do..... So, why is it so hard to put it into practice. Is it Satan or just my like of discipline and laziness? I actually do a pretty good job every day of thinking about Him or even doing what I'm dong now-- writing about Him-- but I really struggle with the relationship part. When I think about men such as Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Augustine, C.S. Lewis, etc. and how seriously they seemed to take their faith and the relationship they seemed to have with God, it makes me ashamed that I am so spiritually pathetic in so many ways. I want to arrive at a point where it is not a chore to carve out time for Him each day, but that I long-- like a deer thirsts for water-- to be in His presence. I wonder if it is possible to be in that place for an extended period of time or if those moments are precious, few and far between....
I guess all relationships function in a similar way. You cycle through stages-- some more intimate and meaningful than others. But, you always know, even in those downward cycles, that a better day is coming, so you don't lose hope. You keep the faith and maintain the relationship. That is why divorce seems like such a tragedy. Perhaps if the couple had just waited until the next chapter of the relationship, things would have gotten better-- or even better than they ever had been. Maybe the worst thing that can happen to a couple is when one of them loses sight of the bigger picture and chooses to opt for immediate gratification somewhere else instead of hanging in for the long haul-- he or she would rather enter the 50-yard dash and have some excitement instead of preparing for the marathon of a genuine relationship.
So-- during this season that should be all about the most important gift ever given-- Jesus-- I am going to pray for more desire-- more desire for Him and a desire to be in His presence. I pray that He is patient with me while I am in the midst of trying to find my way in this "spiritual marathon" and I am hoping that the "great cloud of witnesses" in the heavenly stands are cheering for me even as I stumble!
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Monday, November 22, 2004
Gatlinburg Getaway
This past weekend Scott, Luke, and I headed to Gatlinburg with three other couples and their children. These are friends that we have known over ten years, since college-- the guys were in the same fraternity as Scott and their friendships were formed when they pledged together! All of them were also groomsmen in our wedding. There was a total of six kids between all of us ranging in age from seven months to four years!
We were in a wonderful four-bedroom condo, and we had a great time together! Luke did such a good job on the trip up and back and remained on his same eating and sleeping schedule even amidst all the excitement and chaos. He also officially pulled up to a standing position. It seems like he is going to be ready to take off walking soon! It was so fun to watch him interact with the older kids. It is hard to realize and to accept that he is a big boy, too, now.
We stayed up very late each night-- after the kids went to bed. The boys played RISK-- yuck!-- while the girls chatted and caught up on the day-to-day happenings in our stay-at-home lives. It appears that the women of my generation are still in hot pursuit of happiness and finding real meaning and purpose in their lives. I remain amazed that almost every girl I know is struggling in this area. Everything centered around the usual... how motherhood was going-- how to get rid of pacifiers, potty training advice, being exhausted, etc; how housework was going-- the benefits of a maid, time management and organization; how our mental/emotional lives were going; how parenthood had affected our marriages-- for better and for worse... Depression over not losing baby weight yet and having a hard time exercising; Being at the burn-out point because husbands don't help out enough with the kids; Emptiness due to no longer having hobbies or interests or anything activities just for themselves; Frustration over "trying to keep up with the Jones's"; Stress and anxiety over not having enough money from month to month.
There was a good bit of sharing and confession time-- good therapy for all of us! And after everything was said and done, we all agreed that we are very blessed to have such wonderful husbands and children. Our better halves actually volunteered to watch the kids on Saturday while all of us hit the outlet malls and had lunch! We had a great time together leisurely strolling from store to store with no time table or children vying for our attention.
Another trait of our generation has been to allow our schedules to become so busy that we don't make time to nurture these close friendships. We have good intentions, but seldom follow through on them. We think about calling, but don't. We plan to make plans, but put it off for later. We want to get together, but we worry about the kids and their schedules. Thus, we end up with many acquaintances, and few close relationships in our lives because we simply don't make those friends a priority in our lives.
So, spending time with these couples reminded Scott and I of how important these relationships are-- these are the people whose children will grow up with Luke. How fun to be able to share our lives together-- the good and bad-- over the next decades. We have already shared so much-- dating, engagements, graduations, marriages, children, first jobs and homes-- and we still have so much to look forward to!
Jesus had a circle of 12-- including his most intimate friends Peter, James, and John. He evidently realized the importance of surrounding Himself with close relationships during His time here. Yes, He touched the lives of thousands while on earth, but it was His friendships with His disciples that must have been impacted the most. Think of the things they must have experienced together-- events not recorded for us in Scripture. How about the trips they made together, the nights they stayed up late talking and laughing, the nights they spent sharing their fears and anxieties, the moments they cried together, the moments they rejoiced together.... That is what life in Christ is all about... sharing our time here with others.
I will treasure the moments from this past weekend-- listening to the kids yell and scream and cry and run around together. Seeing our husbands having so much fun playing their boring board game and hearing them laugh like teenagers again over the silliest of things. Playing Baby Einstein DVDs again and again. Shopping for food at the local supercenter and cooking meals together. Rounding up all the kids and trying to get a group photo of them before someone had a melt down. Observing those priceless parenthood moments and being amazed that we are "all grown up" now with children of our own. Those care-free college days are truly a thing of the past, but what a wonderful present we are all having now.
We were also very blessed to end the weekend on Sunday night back in Nashville with the amazing couples in our small group. We were having our annual Thanksgiving meal together. How wonderful to think back upon the three years we have spent getting to know these couples and all the things we have already shared with them.
Thank you for wonderful Christian friends, Father. May we be iron sharpening iron in each other's lives. May we challenge each other to be more like You in our marriages as husbands and wives and as parents.
We were in a wonderful four-bedroom condo, and we had a great time together! Luke did such a good job on the trip up and back and remained on his same eating and sleeping schedule even amidst all the excitement and chaos. He also officially pulled up to a standing position. It seems like he is going to be ready to take off walking soon! It was so fun to watch him interact with the older kids. It is hard to realize and to accept that he is a big boy, too, now.
We stayed up very late each night-- after the kids went to bed. The boys played RISK-- yuck!-- while the girls chatted and caught up on the day-to-day happenings in our stay-at-home lives. It appears that the women of my generation are still in hot pursuit of happiness and finding real meaning and purpose in their lives. I remain amazed that almost every girl I know is struggling in this area. Everything centered around the usual... how motherhood was going-- how to get rid of pacifiers, potty training advice, being exhausted, etc; how housework was going-- the benefits of a maid, time management and organization; how our mental/emotional lives were going; how parenthood had affected our marriages-- for better and for worse... Depression over not losing baby weight yet and having a hard time exercising; Being at the burn-out point because husbands don't help out enough with the kids; Emptiness due to no longer having hobbies or interests or anything activities just for themselves; Frustration over "trying to keep up with the Jones's"; Stress and anxiety over not having enough money from month to month.
There was a good bit of sharing and confession time-- good therapy for all of us! And after everything was said and done, we all agreed that we are very blessed to have such wonderful husbands and children. Our better halves actually volunteered to watch the kids on Saturday while all of us hit the outlet malls and had lunch! We had a great time together leisurely strolling from store to store with no time table or children vying for our attention.
Another trait of our generation has been to allow our schedules to become so busy that we don't make time to nurture these close friendships. We have good intentions, but seldom follow through on them. We think about calling, but don't. We plan to make plans, but put it off for later. We want to get together, but we worry about the kids and their schedules. Thus, we end up with many acquaintances, and few close relationships in our lives because we simply don't make those friends a priority in our lives.
So, spending time with these couples reminded Scott and I of how important these relationships are-- these are the people whose children will grow up with Luke. How fun to be able to share our lives together-- the good and bad-- over the next decades. We have already shared so much-- dating, engagements, graduations, marriages, children, first jobs and homes-- and we still have so much to look forward to!
Jesus had a circle of 12-- including his most intimate friends Peter, James, and John. He evidently realized the importance of surrounding Himself with close relationships during His time here. Yes, He touched the lives of thousands while on earth, but it was His friendships with His disciples that must have been impacted the most. Think of the things they must have experienced together-- events not recorded for us in Scripture. How about the trips they made together, the nights they stayed up late talking and laughing, the nights they spent sharing their fears and anxieties, the moments they cried together, the moments they rejoiced together.... That is what life in Christ is all about... sharing our time here with others.
I will treasure the moments from this past weekend-- listening to the kids yell and scream and cry and run around together. Seeing our husbands having so much fun playing their boring board game and hearing them laugh like teenagers again over the silliest of things. Playing Baby Einstein DVDs again and again. Shopping for food at the local supercenter and cooking meals together. Rounding up all the kids and trying to get a group photo of them before someone had a melt down. Observing those priceless parenthood moments and being amazed that we are "all grown up" now with children of our own. Those care-free college days are truly a thing of the past, but what a wonderful present we are all having now.
We were also very blessed to end the weekend on Sunday night back in Nashville with the amazing couples in our small group. We were having our annual Thanksgiving meal together. How wonderful to think back upon the three years we have spent getting to know these couples and all the things we have already shared with them.
Thank you for wonderful Christian friends, Father. May we be iron sharpening iron in each other's lives. May we challenge each other to be more like You in our marriages as husbands and wives and as parents.
Monday, November 08, 2004
A "Text Book" Tragedy
I am so glad that the election is over-- and that my guy won! I do have empathy for those who wanted Kerry to win--- I am sure it is sad and disappointing for them.... I hope God's hand was at work. It does seem like a miracle! At first EVERYONE-- even the Bush camp-- thought Kerry was going to win. Blame it on bad exit polling-- but, maybe a higher power intervened. There were millions of people praying that God would help guide the election. I choose to believe that He did. I saw a story on CBN that reported a million Christians in India had gathered to pray for America and our election! That was so humbling to me and made me ponder how much our country impacts the rest of the world. I honestly had never even thought about the Christians in India before-- and I had no idea there were over 1 million of them! God is good! You can check out the story here-- http://www.cbn.com/CBNNews/News/041102b.asp
Anyway-- enough of politics! Our world has been good, but my family has had quite a bit to deal with lately. I won't go into all the details of who and why online, but someone in our family is getting a divorce. There are many causes/reasons/excuses that could be given on both sides... but the bottom line is that the couple never truly had God as a part of their marriage. After a year of misery, loneliness, and no communication, there was just nothing left to hold the marriage together. Blame is hard to assign in situations like these... It is such a tragedy and just so sad.
This is the second major divorce that Scott and I have witnessed up close since we were married-- his parents divorced going on five years ago after close to 30 years of marriage. Oddly enough, the situations are very similar-- both were pretty much "text-book" examples of divorce. Communication starts to fade, each stops sharing his/her hopes, fears, and dreams-- even the little day-to-day things that form the bond of a healthy relationship. Pretty soon, so much time has gone by, and there is so much water under the bridge, resentment starts to build. There is no longer an intimate bond and the couple becomes more like roommates than loving life partners. At some point, one of them begins to look outside the marriage for encouragement and affection-- and simply someone to share his/her heart with again... This all leads to the end of the marriage and the beginning of a new relationship with someone else-- that they think will bring them happiness. Perhaps it is sometimes easier to just run away and start all over again with someone new than it is to stick it out and try to make things work. Unfortunately, God doesn't seem to share that opinion-- and that is why it is so sad when one member of the marriage wants to work things out and the other has already checked out-- and maybe has already "checked in" with someone new.
In His gracious mercy, God does offer life-- even after divorce! And I am praying that this will be the case for those in our family. The saddest effect still remains the eternal scar it leaves on the entire family-- the relationships that are severed and forever altered, the photos that have to be taken down and hidden away, the awkward explanations that have to be invented to offer the children who don't understand the change, the financial and material dealings that have to be squabbled over and settled, the family vacations that have to be modified and will never be the same..... It is clear to see why God hates divorce.
Scott and I have at least benefited from seeing the complete devastation that divorce brings to a family. We are desperately trying not to take our marriage for granted and to keep the lines of communication flowing. And although I still consider Scott to be my best friend, I admit that things have changed in our marriage since Luke arrived. It just isn't as easy to make time for each other and to be as emotionally and physically available to each other as it used to be. But, the upside is that we are a new family now-- the three of us-- and we are learning that life with our precious son is yet another thing that is bringing us closer together-- and what fun we are having in the process of watching him grow up right in front of our eyes each day! Today we were checking out at Kroger. We had a very friendly Mexican man who was bagging our groceries. He said "Hola!" to Luke. When we were leaving, I told Luke, "Say, Good-Bye!"-- which usually doesn't elicit much of response beyond a smile, but this time he raised his right hand and waved!! It was SO great! It was the first time he has done that! I will always remember it! He has also started crawling all over now and claps his hands. He is learning so fast!
We are blessed. I pray that above all things we never lose sight of the One who continues to bless us and guide us. Teach us Lord, to wait upon You so that You will renew our strength daily.
Anyway-- enough of politics! Our world has been good, but my family has had quite a bit to deal with lately. I won't go into all the details of who and why online, but someone in our family is getting a divorce. There are many causes/reasons/excuses that could be given on both sides... but the bottom line is that the couple never truly had God as a part of their marriage. After a year of misery, loneliness, and no communication, there was just nothing left to hold the marriage together. Blame is hard to assign in situations like these... It is such a tragedy and just so sad.
This is the second major divorce that Scott and I have witnessed up close since we were married-- his parents divorced going on five years ago after close to 30 years of marriage. Oddly enough, the situations are very similar-- both were pretty much "text-book" examples of divorce. Communication starts to fade, each stops sharing his/her hopes, fears, and dreams-- even the little day-to-day things that form the bond of a healthy relationship. Pretty soon, so much time has gone by, and there is so much water under the bridge, resentment starts to build. There is no longer an intimate bond and the couple becomes more like roommates than loving life partners. At some point, one of them begins to look outside the marriage for encouragement and affection-- and simply someone to share his/her heart with again... This all leads to the end of the marriage and the beginning of a new relationship with someone else-- that they think will bring them happiness. Perhaps it is sometimes easier to just run away and start all over again with someone new than it is to stick it out and try to make things work. Unfortunately, God doesn't seem to share that opinion-- and that is why it is so sad when one member of the marriage wants to work things out and the other has already checked out-- and maybe has already "checked in" with someone new.
In His gracious mercy, God does offer life-- even after divorce! And I am praying that this will be the case for those in our family. The saddest effect still remains the eternal scar it leaves on the entire family-- the relationships that are severed and forever altered, the photos that have to be taken down and hidden away, the awkward explanations that have to be invented to offer the children who don't understand the change, the financial and material dealings that have to be squabbled over and settled, the family vacations that have to be modified and will never be the same..... It is clear to see why God hates divorce.
Scott and I have at least benefited from seeing the complete devastation that divorce brings to a family. We are desperately trying not to take our marriage for granted and to keep the lines of communication flowing. And although I still consider Scott to be my best friend, I admit that things have changed in our marriage since Luke arrived. It just isn't as easy to make time for each other and to be as emotionally and physically available to each other as it used to be. But, the upside is that we are a new family now-- the three of us-- and we are learning that life with our precious son is yet another thing that is bringing us closer together-- and what fun we are having in the process of watching him grow up right in front of our eyes each day! Today we were checking out at Kroger. We had a very friendly Mexican man who was bagging our groceries. He said "Hola!" to Luke. When we were leaving, I told Luke, "Say, Good-Bye!"-- which usually doesn't elicit much of response beyond a smile, but this time he raised his right hand and waved!! It was SO great! It was the first time he has done that! I will always remember it! He has also started crawling all over now and claps his hands. He is learning so fast!
We are blessed. I pray that above all things we never lose sight of the One who continues to bless us and guide us. Teach us Lord, to wait upon You so that You will renew our strength daily.
Monday, November 01, 2004
Halloween, Hezekiah, and Healing
We had a GREAT first Halloween with Luke this weekend! He was a chicken, and of course he was adorable! We stayed at home until 6:30 handing out the 10 pounds of candy I had bought! Our neighborhood is a trick-o-treater's dream. We have tons of kids that come by. Everyone is out on their front porch having a good time and enjoying the fun of it all. After we had almost given all the candy away, we headed to a small gathering some of our friends were having-- a pot of chili, 8 adorable kids, and more trick-or-treating! Even though Luke didn't actually collect any candy, he still had fun watching all the other kids. It was crazy to think that next year he will be able to walk up to the doors all by himself and that he will more than likely LOVE candy by then-- at least if he takes after me!
I was on the praise team yesterday, too-- all three services. Hm-m-m-m--- a coincidence that it was Halloween?! Were they trying to tell me something?! It is so easy to be spoiled by singing with my ZOE folk, and it is sometimes hard to fully appreciate singing with other praise team formations, but the group we had yesterday was really good, and the services went really well. So-- it was a LONG day, but a good one.
The sermon was another lesson out of Isaiah-- chapter 38, Hezekiah's prayer. Hezekiah was dying, he cried out to God, and He extended his life by 15 more years. Rubel had such an amazing sermon about why God chooses to heal some, yet others he doesn't.
He made one of the BEST analogies I have ever heard along those lines. He said that if we never experienced any heartache or pain, we would be so arrogant-- our hearts would be completely cold toward God-- we would think we were God. It is out of those painful times that we are reminded of just how much we need Him, and we are most receptive to reestablishing our relationship with Him.
To illustrate this point, he reminded us that the only place it never "rains" and where there is continual sun is a DESERT-- a dried-up wasteland. That is how we would be spiritually, too, if we always got the "happy ending." We would have no "roots."
The topic was particularly relevant also, because Rubel announced publicly for the first time that his wife Myra has breast cancer. Rumors had been flying for weeks-- Myra is a private person and only a handful of people were told initially. They did not catch the cancer early. She had surgery 6 weeks ago and has begun chemotherapy which will be followed by radiation. My mom also had breast cancer a few years back, and although she is doing fine now, it is still a tough place to be in.
It was a great sermon--- very powerful. You can hear it at http://www.rubelshelly.com/content.asp?ListSG=316 or read it at http://www.rubelshelly.com/content.asp?CID=18632
Excerpt from Rubel's sermon (Isaiah 38) :
Authentic prayers of faith are different. We go to the Lord and do what is normal and right. We ask his help. We throw ourselves on his mercy. But we do so with the caveat, “Not my will, but yours, be done!” That is terribly risky, for we sometimes discover that God doesn’t want the things we want. Sometimes he prefers that we learn to be content with what we have than to have all our cares banished. So Christians pray for health, deliverance, and long life; we more often remain ill, continue to struggle, and eventually all go to the grave. That isn’t injustice. It isn’t failure on God’s part. It is faith lived in the real world. When we get a Hezekiah-deliverance answer to our prayers, our duty is to tell of God’s faithfulness to our children and to sing his praise in the key of gratitude; when we get a Jesus-in-Gethsemane answer, our duty is to bear witness of God’s Easter-faithfulness to our children and to sing his praise in the key of hope.
God hears and responds to the prayers of his people. “But how can you say that God ‘hears’ and ‘responds to’ our prayers if you admit that we don’t always get the deliverance for which we pray?” someone objects. “Suffering is always a bad thing!” The only real answer I can give that question is in the form of an illustration rather than an explanation.
During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him . . . (Hebrews 5:7-9)
------------------------
I feel so amazingly blessed to be able to sit at his feet each week and listen to his take on Scripture. I love being a part of the Family of God at Woodmont Hills!
I was on the praise team yesterday, too-- all three services. Hm-m-m-m--- a coincidence that it was Halloween?! Were they trying to tell me something?! It is so easy to be spoiled by singing with my ZOE folk, and it is sometimes hard to fully appreciate singing with other praise team formations, but the group we had yesterday was really good, and the services went really well. So-- it was a LONG day, but a good one.
The sermon was another lesson out of Isaiah-- chapter 38, Hezekiah's prayer. Hezekiah was dying, he cried out to God, and He extended his life by 15 more years. Rubel had such an amazing sermon about why God chooses to heal some, yet others he doesn't.
He made one of the BEST analogies I have ever heard along those lines. He said that if we never experienced any heartache or pain, we would be so arrogant-- our hearts would be completely cold toward God-- we would think we were God. It is out of those painful times that we are reminded of just how much we need Him, and we are most receptive to reestablishing our relationship with Him.
To illustrate this point, he reminded us that the only place it never "rains" and where there is continual sun is a DESERT-- a dried-up wasteland. That is how we would be spiritually, too, if we always got the "happy ending." We would have no "roots."
The topic was particularly relevant also, because Rubel announced publicly for the first time that his wife Myra has breast cancer. Rumors had been flying for weeks-- Myra is a private person and only a handful of people were told initially. They did not catch the cancer early. She had surgery 6 weeks ago and has begun chemotherapy which will be followed by radiation. My mom also had breast cancer a few years back, and although she is doing fine now, it is still a tough place to be in.
It was a great sermon--- very powerful. You can hear it at http://www.rubelshelly.com/content.asp?ListSG=316 or read it at http://www.rubelshelly.com/content.asp?CID=18632
Excerpt from Rubel's sermon (Isaiah 38) :
When people who know the Lord get sick or face a life crisis of any sort, we do what Hezekiah did. We pray. Sometimes we pray like pagans and barter with God. “God, if you will do this or that,” we beg, “then I will stop what I’ve been doing and start doing something else!” Pagan prayer – and much that passes for Christian, I fear – is like a giant roulette wheel at a gambling casino. You want to get well. Or you are desperate to pay bills. Or you are scared you are going to die. So you wish hard, close your eyes, and spin the wheel. If you are lucky, you get what you want!
Authentic prayers of faith are different. We go to the Lord and do what is normal and right. We ask his help. We throw ourselves on his mercy. But we do so with the caveat, “Not my will, but yours, be done!” That is terribly risky, for we sometimes discover that God doesn’t want the things we want. Sometimes he prefers that we learn to be content with what we have than to have all our cares banished. So Christians pray for health, deliverance, and long life; we more often remain ill, continue to struggle, and eventually all go to the grave. That isn’t injustice. It isn’t failure on God’s part. It is faith lived in the real world. When we get a Hezekiah-deliverance answer to our prayers, our duty is to tell of God’s faithfulness to our children and to sing his praise in the key of gratitude; when we get a Jesus-in-Gethsemane answer, our duty is to bear witness of God’s Easter-faithfulness to our children and to sing his praise in the key of hope.
God hears and responds to the prayers of his people. “But how can you say that God ‘hears’ and ‘responds to’ our prayers if you admit that we don’t always get the deliverance for which we pray?” someone objects. “Suffering is always a bad thing!” The only real answer I can give that question is in the form of an illustration rather than an explanation.
During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him . . . (Hebrews 5:7-9)
------------------------
I feel so amazingly blessed to be able to sit at his feet each week and listen to his take on Scripture. I love being a part of the Family of God at Woodmont Hills!
Friday, October 29, 2004
Ten Years Ago...
It was ten years ago tonight that Scott and I were engaged!
Scott had planned a surprise candle passing for me at his fraternity hayride. A "candle passing" is a Lipscomb tradition. When a girl gets engaged she secretly organizes a candle passing at curfew in the lobby of the dorm and all the girls gather. Only she and her closest friends are told about the engagement. Excitement builds all day-- people guessing who it might be. After some songs and scripture reading, a candle with a ring tied to it is passed around in a circle from person to person until the one who has gotten engaged gets it and blows it out. This lets everyone know that she is getting married.
I had already graduated, so I would never have gotten to have one... but, Scott gave me one after all! I just didn't know that when the candle got to me that I would get to be the one to blow it out! Surprise!
We have been married 9 years now, and we feel very blessed to have such a wonderful relationship-- that we can now share with our new son Luke!
Some excerpts from my journal entry that night-- October 29, 1994:
After the hayride, the Social Director told everyone to gather around the fire. He pulled out a candle with gold and garnet-colored (my birthstone!) ribbons on it. He said that one of the members of Tau Phi had something very special that he wanted to do for someone he loved very much. He said this was Tau Phi's first "candle passing"! He started the candle around the fire. I had my arm around Scott, thinking about the day he would ask me to marry him-- and also wondering who the lucky girl might be this night!
When the candle got to me, I looked down at the ring and couldn't believe it! A million different emotions swallowed me! I looked at Scott through the tears in my eyes, "I can't believe you did this!" He got down on one knee and quietly asked, "Amy Beth, will you marry me?" I said. "Yes!" And he got up and we hugged each other tight! I was so overwhelmed-- I still had the candle and someone yelled "Blow out the candle!" So I did. Scott took the candle and untied the ring. My hand was shaking terribly! He slipped the ring on my finger. A perfect fit! I was still in shock! He handed me a huge bouquet of roses, daises, and some type of small garnet-colored lilies that were gorgeous. All of his pledge brothers circled around to congratulate us! He told me he had driven up to my house Wednesday, Oct. 26, to ask my parents....
Scott said he had been nervous all weekend! He's a good actor! I didn't have a clue! He said that he decided that night we talked before he went hiking with his pledge brothers, and told them-- "On our tenth anniversary we'd probably be saying we could've been married eleven years!"
It was the perfect night! I called Mother and Daddy from the horse stable to break the good news! The ring was so gorgeous! Scott and I were finally going to get married!
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Monday, October 18, 2004
All Saints Day
Just two weeks left until Luke's first Halloween! He is going to be a chicken! "Just Hatched 2004!"
It is funny because not so very long ago the entire concept of Halloween really bothered me. Let me give a little background--- I taught high school English, American Literature--10th and 11th grade, for 8 years. Part of the territory I covered each year was pieces such as The Scarlet Letter and The Crucible. We had to discuss the early colonies and their attitudes on Satan and witchcraft and the events surrounding the Witch Trials in Salem. It just so happened that every year this unit ended up corresponding with October and Halloween. SO-- inevitably as we discussed witches and the colonists' perceptions of good and evil we would get into the whole Halloween debate. For some reason it just bothered me that the kids so readily dismissed the darker side of what the day actually represents... If you haven't ever pondered the origins of the day-- visit http://www.historychannel.com/exhibits/halloween/holiday_origins1.html
Yes- I know the same pagan claims can be made about Christmas-- not as convincingly perhaps--- But, anyway-- I liked to challenge the kids to think a little beyond the "getting free candy mentality." It always got a good heated debate started! :) They would get extremely fired up at the thought that anything evil could be associated with dressing up-- even as witches and ghosts and monsters-- or wanting to get as much candy as possible! The Bible is very clear about what God thinks of witchcraft in ANY form or guise:
"When you enter the land which the LORD your God gives you, you shall not learn to imitate the detestable things of those nations. "There shall not be found among you anyone who makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire, one who uses divination, one who practices witchcraft, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, or one who casts a spell, or a medium, or a spirits, or one who calls up the dead. "For whoever does these things is detestable to the LORD; and because of these detestable things the LORD your God will drive them out before you. "You shall be blameless before the LORD your God. "For those nations, which you shall dispossess, listen to those who practice witchcraft and to diviners, but as for you, the LORD your God has not allowed you to do so." Deuteronomy 18:9-14
But, the event that truly shook my beliefs about Halloween happened one year when I actually had a student who professed a belief in Wicca-- a religion derived from pre-Christian times, also called Witchcraft. This girl, I'll call her "Jane"-- had always been troubled to say the least... She was introverted yet brash and sometimes cruel in her remarks. This did not make her a class favorite at the more "preppy" and conservative private Christian high school where I taught.
Jane had major family issues-- a father who had left to pursue a life with a younger live-in girlfriend. Her mom suffered major depression as a result and Jane had to witness the misery she lived through each day. So, it wasn't hard to understand how Jane was drawn to Wicca or to anything that she felt could give her answers on how to cope with life. Wicca was also nice for the shock value it brought her. She could annoy her dad and the kids at school-- it was "cool" in her mind to take a completely different path than the rest, and she loved flaunting her new beliefs.
I had a pretty good relationship with Jane. She could confide in me, and she wasn't afraid to discuss her beliefs concerning Wicca with me. This lead to many long talks where I tried my best to listen and to encourage, while at the same time trying to speak truth to Jane about the myth of Wicca. Toward the end I was practically begging her to see how opposed to God and Jesus this "religion" was and how it would only leave her empty and unfulfilled-- not to mention lost.
Jane had become increasingly suicidal at one point. I will never forget the conversation I had with her on one particular day. She came in wanting to talk, so I actually went to my principal-- who was already aware of the situation. He had someone cover my classes for me, and Jane and I went to a quiet, secluded corner of the library to talk. I had again tried to talk to her about Christ and how only in Him could she find the peace and joy she desperately needed in her life. I was trying to explain to her that God was opposed to witches, witchcraft, divination, and that these were not the way to connect with a "higher power" or the way to find meaning in life. She listened, but I never really could convince her at that point that witchcraft was a horrible scam which was tricking her into thinking that she could come up with the answers on her own apart from God's help.
As I left her that day, I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted! We had talked for close to three hours. I walked out of the library and down the now quiet and empty halls of the school. I was just passing the door of the home-ec room when I looked up and saw a whimsical cartoon witch smiling at me. The bitter irony reflected back at me in the toothless grin of that tattered cardboard witch was almost more than I could take. The harmless Halloween decoration seemed to mock everything that I had been trying to share with Jane that day and now seemed horribly out of place and inappropriate in my Christian school.
For the better part of a year this whole dialogue with Jane went on-- and I will not take the time here to explain all that happened both good and bad... But, just to give some closure to Jane's story-- She ultimately did abandon Wicca. She became pregnant before graduation. I think the sobering reality of motherhood pushed her toward real truth and faith.
I haven't seen Jane in awhile, but now every year when the pumpkins and goblins and witches come out- I think of her and pray that she is doing well and living in the joy of the Lord with her precious child.
So, when I zip up Luke's chicken outfit in a couple of week's, I will be struck by the innocence of it all. He has no thoughts of witches, monsters, or ghosts. I will be thankful that he is my sweet baby boy. Some day when he is old enough I will try to share with him my new definition of "All Hallow's Eve"-- thanks to Jane. The old Middle English title of "All Saints Day" means that we can celebrate! Thanks to God we are indeed saints. We are saved and spared from the misery of the evil that was so feared and represented in the images of ghosts, monsters, devils, and witches. We don't have to fear death or evil because God has already given us, His saints, the victory! Praise God!
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Eternity in Our Hearts
Sunday night Scott and I were blessed to spend some time with three couples who are very dear friends. We ate together, and then we spent some time reading out of Ephesians. We all feel like we can easily share what is on our hearts whenever we are together, and each of us had a great deal to discuss. It is a safe place.
One of the guys had begun and new job and expressed that it is hard for he and his wife to trust that God will take care of them financially. He also admitted that they both felt like they were at a spiritual low. One of the girls was going to have surgery the next day and we all prayed over her and her family. One of the guys confessed that he has struggled greatly over the past several years with whether God was calling him to a different role-- should he be in the mission field instead of making good money in the financial world. One of the girls admitted that she struggled with really knowing what God wanted her to do with her life.
Much more was shared about our own interpretations of the text from Ephesians 1. What does it mean to live through the power of the Spirit? Why do we not tap into this power instead of relying on our own strength-- this ultimately leaves us empty and burned-out. How would we live our lives differently if we truly believed that our citizenship was in heaven and not here on earth?
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This text hits so closely to home for me-- I just wish that I could fully allow it to transform my life.
Almost every person I know is struggling right now with trying to figure out how God can best use him/her. Almost every person I know right now is struggling with feeling spiritually empty and unfulfilled.
In Ecclesiastes 3:11, Solomon makes an interesting observation:
God has placed eternity in our hearts! That has to be why we get so restless here-- it is the eternal homing device that God placed inside us that longs to be where He is... We can never truly be at home or comfortable here. So, maybe in a strange way, the emptiness and dissatisfaction we feel is good-- it reminds us that if we rely on the things of this world or allow the external conditions we encounter to affect us, we will always be disappointed and anxious.
If only we could make full use of the Holy Spirit God has placed within each of us "for the praise of His glory." If only we believed that this same power that raised Christ from the dead is available to us! And, that He is able to do more than we ask or imagine through this Power that is at work within us! If only we could trust that heaven awaits us and that frees us to live lives of reckless abandon here for Him-- free from fear!
Lord, forgive us for allowing the struggles and trivialities of this world to blind us from you and our eternal destiny. Help us to see the power of Your spirit at work in our lives! Help us to be faithful to You in the many small day-to-day opportunities you place at our feet us each day, so that when You call we will be ready to serve you in a BIG way! Continue to discipline us, Father. Amen.
One of the guys had begun and new job and expressed that it is hard for he and his wife to trust that God will take care of them financially. He also admitted that they both felt like they were at a spiritual low. One of the girls was going to have surgery the next day and we all prayed over her and her family. One of the guys confessed that he has struggled greatly over the past several years with whether God was calling him to a different role-- should he be in the mission field instead of making good money in the financial world. One of the girls admitted that she struggled with really knowing what God wanted her to do with her life.
Much more was shared about our own interpretations of the text from Ephesians 1. What does it mean to live through the power of the Spirit? Why do we not tap into this power instead of relying on our own strength-- this ultimately leaves us empty and burned-out. How would we live our lives differently if we truly believed that our citizenship was in heaven and not here on earth?
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Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people--free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth. It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. It's in Christ that you, once you heard the truth and believed it (this Message of your salvation), found yourselves home free--signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit. This signet from God is the first installment on what's coming, a reminder that we'll get everything God has planned for us, a praising and glorious life. That's why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the Christians, I couldn't stop thanking God for you--every time I prayed, I'd think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask--ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory--to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for Christians, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him--endless energy, boundless strength!
All this energy issues from Christ: God raised him from death and set him on a throne in deep heaven, in charge of running the universe, everything from galaxies to governments, no name and no power exempt from his rule. And not just for the time being, but forever. He is in charge of it all, has the final word on everything. At the center of all this, Christ rules the church. The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence.
All this energy issues from Christ: God raised him from death and set him on a throne in deep heaven, in charge of running the universe, everything from galaxies to governments, no name and no power exempt from his rule. And not just for the time being, but forever. He is in charge of it all, has the final word on everything. At the center of all this, Christ rules the church. The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence.
This text hits so closely to home for me-- I just wish that I could fully allow it to transform my life.
Almost every person I know is struggling right now with trying to figure out how God can best use him/her. Almost every person I know right now is struggling with feeling spiritually empty and unfulfilled.
In Ecclesiastes 3:11, Solomon makes an interesting observation:
He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.
God has placed eternity in our hearts! That has to be why we get so restless here-- it is the eternal homing device that God placed inside us that longs to be where He is... We can never truly be at home or comfortable here. So, maybe in a strange way, the emptiness and dissatisfaction we feel is good-- it reminds us that if we rely on the things of this world or allow the external conditions we encounter to affect us, we will always be disappointed and anxious.
If only we could make full use of the Holy Spirit God has placed within each of us "for the praise of His glory." If only we believed that this same power that raised Christ from the dead is available to us! And, that He is able to do more than we ask or imagine through this Power that is at work within us! If only we could trust that heaven awaits us and that frees us to live lives of reckless abandon here for Him-- free from fear!
Lord, forgive us for allowing the struggles and trivialities of this world to blind us from you and our eternal destiny. Help us to see the power of Your spirit at work in our lives! Help us to be faithful to You in the many small day-to-day opportunities you place at our feet us each day, so that when You call we will be ready to serve you in a BIG way! Continue to discipline us, Father. Amen.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
It Only Takes a Spark... to Keep a Small Group Going
Just returned from an overnight camping trip at Natchez Trace State Park with our small group.... We decided to drop Luke off at my parents in Paris, which is on the way. This was the first night that I had ever been away from him. Everyone asked me how I was doing and if I was ok, but honestly I didn't worry about him for one second. I knew he would be just fine with my parents. We didn't get to the camp sites until 8:00, but we didn't end up missing out on anything.
Our group is a pretty diverse bunch. We formed the group almost three years ago. Then, none of us had any kids-- Now, 5 out of the 7 couples have kids! Boy how time changes things! The age range in our group is roughly 27-40 but most are in their late 20's. I am probably the most extroverted of the group, and I feel like I talk too much at times, but that's just who I am. I feel like I do a good job of listening, too-- so, I guess that might make up for it in some way! We have an engineer, a med-student, a lawyer, a contractor, a business executive, a male nurse, a financial planner, a salesperson, an insurance person and now 5 stay-at-home moms. And although that sounds like a pretty conservative and predictable group, it really isn't. We have a broad range of ideas and perceptions on Christianity, politics, and life in general.
We wanted to use the camp-out as a time to discuss the direction of the group-- how things were going, talk about changes that might need to be made in study material and leadership, be honest about our feelings, etc. We ended up talking until 2:00 a.m. overall, it was a good time of sharing and getting everything out on the table. Our basic problem is getting each one of us to commit 100% to the group. This means making the effort not just to attend each week and be prepared to discuss-- (we do a pretty good job of that already), but also to put in the time outside the group in order to build on the relationships/friendships.
For me personally it meant-- to agree to make this group a top priority regardless of how busy I am or how involved in other activities I am. It has been easy for me to have my spiritual needs met in many other places apart from the couples in our small group. That is great for me in many ways, but it isn't really fair to the people who are in the small group. I don't really need to keep the "one foot in the group and one foot out" attitude anymore-- I need to recommit. And by that, I think the thing I need to work on most is the friendships with the girls in the group. I am older than all of them, and I have such a different personality and outlook on life than most of them-- I think I feel like an oddball at times-- a "spiritual nerd" of sorts if that makes sense-- and I have used that as an excuse not to pursue deeper relationships with them because I have told myself that they aren't interested. I can't continue to do that, and I have to get over any baggage that I have about whether I "fit in" or can completely relate to them or feel comfortable showing them the real me. I need to realize that I don't have to be just like any of them or have to agree with them-- I can just be myself-- They will still love me-- with all my flaws! I need to better appreciate the value of having close friends who are really NOTHING like me-- what great things I can learn from them and what great lessons they can help me learn about myself.
Isn't it funny that you think you leave all those types of insecurities and hang-ups behind you when you leave high school and graduate from college-- but really you spend your entire life wanting to be loved, accepted, and to feel important to people. (You would think that after teaching and working with high school kids for 11 years I would have recognized how silly all my paranoias were....) We look around and assume that everyone else has it together and has a perfect life-- then we beat ourselves up because we don't. We don't cook as well, or read as many books, or have as many friends, or have as clean a house-- But, the truth is no one has it together--well, maybe a few-- but on the whole, we are all messed up and searching for real relationships with other Christians. What is it with our generation? We are all SO busy doing things that we think are bringing fulfillment and joy to our lives, and we are constantly on the go-- yet at the end of the day we feel empty, like we have no real connections with anyone!?!
I remember my parents always being busy with church stuff and involved with couples from our church, but I don't think I ever saw them struggling with trying to develop those deep, meaningful relationships with them. It just seemed to happen. Are we all just too busy now and too self-absorbed? Do we want to avoid being vulnerable, or are we just too exhausted to devote the time and energy into making those relationships happen?
It still amazing to me how hard it is to strike just the right balance in a small group setting. You want to have meaningful Bible study, but you also want to have meaningful times of sharing about the day-to-day struggles we each face. And getting people to be really honest and willing to share doesn't happen easily. Even though we have been together for awhile, there is still some resistance that is hard to even articulate-- but, I think we are making good progress. We have had several times where I think we all felt a special connection to each other, and I really think we all want to continue to build on that.
I am probably over-analyzing the whole situation. Most of us have very young children and life is busy... I am hoping that with the ever-changing stages of life that we will discover the importance of these spiritual relationships even more than we already do and find the desire and the time to pursue them more enthusiastically. We are very familiar with each other on a social level-- now we just need to slowly dig deeper into the truly important faith matters of life. It will happen-- we just need to be patient and enjoy the journey together. This is all just a part of the growth process.... I really do love all of the couples in the group. I need them in my life, and I believe God definitely had His hand in the formation of the group from the very beginning.
Our group is a pretty diverse bunch. We formed the group almost three years ago. Then, none of us had any kids-- Now, 5 out of the 7 couples have kids! Boy how time changes things! The age range in our group is roughly 27-40 but most are in their late 20's. I am probably the most extroverted of the group, and I feel like I talk too much at times, but that's just who I am. I feel like I do a good job of listening, too-- so, I guess that might make up for it in some way! We have an engineer, a med-student, a lawyer, a contractor, a business executive, a male nurse, a financial planner, a salesperson, an insurance person and now 5 stay-at-home moms. And although that sounds like a pretty conservative and predictable group, it really isn't. We have a broad range of ideas and perceptions on Christianity, politics, and life in general.
We wanted to use the camp-out as a time to discuss the direction of the group-- how things were going, talk about changes that might need to be made in study material and leadership, be honest about our feelings, etc. We ended up talking until 2:00 a.m. overall, it was a good time of sharing and getting everything out on the table. Our basic problem is getting each one of us to commit 100% to the group. This means making the effort not just to attend each week and be prepared to discuss-- (we do a pretty good job of that already), but also to put in the time outside the group in order to build on the relationships/friendships.
For me personally it meant-- to agree to make this group a top priority regardless of how busy I am or how involved in other activities I am. It has been easy for me to have my spiritual needs met in many other places apart from the couples in our small group. That is great for me in many ways, but it isn't really fair to the people who are in the small group. I don't really need to keep the "one foot in the group and one foot out" attitude anymore-- I need to recommit. And by that, I think the thing I need to work on most is the friendships with the girls in the group. I am older than all of them, and I have such a different personality and outlook on life than most of them-- I think I feel like an oddball at times-- a "spiritual nerd" of sorts if that makes sense-- and I have used that as an excuse not to pursue deeper relationships with them because I have told myself that they aren't interested. I can't continue to do that, and I have to get over any baggage that I have about whether I "fit in" or can completely relate to them or feel comfortable showing them the real me. I need to realize that I don't have to be just like any of them or have to agree with them-- I can just be myself-- They will still love me-- with all my flaws! I need to better appreciate the value of having close friends who are really NOTHING like me-- what great things I can learn from them and what great lessons they can help me learn about myself.
Isn't it funny that you think you leave all those types of insecurities and hang-ups behind you when you leave high school and graduate from college-- but really you spend your entire life wanting to be loved, accepted, and to feel important to people. (You would think that after teaching and working with high school kids for 11 years I would have recognized how silly all my paranoias were....) We look around and assume that everyone else has it together and has a perfect life-- then we beat ourselves up because we don't. We don't cook as well, or read as many books, or have as many friends, or have as clean a house-- But, the truth is no one has it together--well, maybe a few-- but on the whole, we are all messed up and searching for real relationships with other Christians. What is it with our generation? We are all SO busy doing things that we think are bringing fulfillment and joy to our lives, and we are constantly on the go-- yet at the end of the day we feel empty, like we have no real connections with anyone!?!
I remember my parents always being busy with church stuff and involved with couples from our church, but I don't think I ever saw them struggling with trying to develop those deep, meaningful relationships with them. It just seemed to happen. Are we all just too busy now and too self-absorbed? Do we want to avoid being vulnerable, or are we just too exhausted to devote the time and energy into making those relationships happen?
It still amazing to me how hard it is to strike just the right balance in a small group setting. You want to have meaningful Bible study, but you also want to have meaningful times of sharing about the day-to-day struggles we each face. And getting people to be really honest and willing to share doesn't happen easily. Even though we have been together for awhile, there is still some resistance that is hard to even articulate-- but, I think we are making good progress. We have had several times where I think we all felt a special connection to each other, and I really think we all want to continue to build on that.
I am probably over-analyzing the whole situation. Most of us have very young children and life is busy... I am hoping that with the ever-changing stages of life that we will discover the importance of these spiritual relationships even more than we already do and find the desire and the time to pursue them more enthusiastically. We are very familiar with each other on a social level-- now we just need to slowly dig deeper into the truly important faith matters of life. It will happen-- we just need to be patient and enjoy the journey together. This is all just a part of the growth process.... I really do love all of the couples in the group. I need them in my life, and I believe God definitely had His hand in the formation of the group from the very beginning.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
An Earthquake of the Soul
What a completely gorgeous day here in Nashville! There was a chill in the air this morning as Luke and I headed to the Y-- a part of our normal routine.... But, today when I dropped him off in the nursery, it was rather quiet-- not many kids had arrived yet. The nursery is divided into two sections-- the area in the back of the room is for the smaller babies-- 6 weeks to those who haven't learned to crawl/walk. It is divided by a wooden gate and it is the side where I always place Luke every morning. I sign him in, hang up his bag, and take him to the back and put him in an exersaucer and grab him some toys. Well, since there weren't many older babies-- less than 18 months-- all the babies were on the "big baby" side. So, I plopped Luke down beside one of his neighbor friends who is 4 months older. I figured that by the time I returned, they would have moved Luke back to the baby side....
Well, when I came back to pick him up and looked in the window, there he was still on the big kid side-- But, what really struck me is that he was playing!! He was totally enthralled and having fun. There was another little girl next to him named Mary who could already walk. He was picking toys out of a storage bucket and looked like such a big boy! It almost brought tears to my eyes because it made me realize that he is growing up SO fast! Soon he will be crawling and walking, too!
When I walked in the room he didn't even notice me-- he was too interested in the toys. I sat down on the floor next to him and just observed. It is so amazing to think back to the days I would hold him and get absolutely no response from him-- he was just a newborn with an underdeveloped brain-- Now he is a full-fledged boy who can laugh and think and learn! AMAZING!
Last night we took dinner to friends of ours who have just had their first child. As I held their sweet little 8 pound girl, it was so hard to imagine that Luke had been that way once, too. I listened as Lana asked questions that all new moms wrestle with... Is it normal for her to cry and be upset or is something wrong? She seems to have a gas problems and her stomach seems upset--- Is nursing always so hard at first? As I attempted to reassure her and encourage her, it dawned on me that it was completely ironic that I was now a motherhood expert-- at least in her eyes! If she could have only witnessed my first few weeks with Luke!
We are so far removed from those crazy anxious feelings of new parenthood! Those sleep deprived days and nights and days and nights that all run together into a blur! But, oh how well I remember the stress and the feeling that nothing would ever return to normal! Be glad I didn't blog the first few months of Luke's life! HORMONES!
Anyway-- I have said all of the above to say this... The little moment I was blessed to witness this morning with Luke makes me realize that so much of life is all about perspective. In the midst of chaos, confusion, and stress it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is easy to forget that God is faithful and that He is at work to make good out of all things, if we only let Him. I am so glad that I have reached a point in motherhood where it is no longer stressful and exhausting-- although once he starts crawling and walking, I'm sure that will change! I am so glad that I get to spend every day with him and that I am blessed to watch him develop into an amazing miracle of God. Children genuinely are a gift from the Lord! (Psalm 127:3)
One of my friends gave me this quote when I was only a couple of months pregnant last summer:
"Those first few weeks are an unearthly season. From the outside you remain so ordinary, no one can tell from looking at you that you have experienced an earthquake of the soul. You've been torn asunder, invested with an ancient, incomprehensible magic. It's the one thing we never quite get over: that we contain our own future." --Barbara Kingsolver (Animal Dreams)
I would add that it is an incomprehensible MIRACLE of GOD! How wonderful that He has allowed us to know the beautiful ups and downs of parenthood here on earth! Life is no longer ordinary, and we can now be thankful for the earthquake that forever reshaped our souls.
Well, when I came back to pick him up and looked in the window, there he was still on the big kid side-- But, what really struck me is that he was playing!! He was totally enthralled and having fun. There was another little girl next to him named Mary who could already walk. He was picking toys out of a storage bucket and looked like such a big boy! It almost brought tears to my eyes because it made me realize that he is growing up SO fast! Soon he will be crawling and walking, too!
When I walked in the room he didn't even notice me-- he was too interested in the toys. I sat down on the floor next to him and just observed. It is so amazing to think back to the days I would hold him and get absolutely no response from him-- he was just a newborn with an underdeveloped brain-- Now he is a full-fledged boy who can laugh and think and learn! AMAZING!
Last night we took dinner to friends of ours who have just had their first child. As I held their sweet little 8 pound girl, it was so hard to imagine that Luke had been that way once, too. I listened as Lana asked questions that all new moms wrestle with... Is it normal for her to cry and be upset or is something wrong? She seems to have a gas problems and her stomach seems upset--- Is nursing always so hard at first? As I attempted to reassure her and encourage her, it dawned on me that it was completely ironic that I was now a motherhood expert-- at least in her eyes! If she could have only witnessed my first few weeks with Luke!
We are so far removed from those crazy anxious feelings of new parenthood! Those sleep deprived days and nights and days and nights that all run together into a blur! But, oh how well I remember the stress and the feeling that nothing would ever return to normal! Be glad I didn't blog the first few months of Luke's life! HORMONES!
Anyway-- I have said all of the above to say this... The little moment I was blessed to witness this morning with Luke makes me realize that so much of life is all about perspective. In the midst of chaos, confusion, and stress it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is easy to forget that God is faithful and that He is at work to make good out of all things, if we only let Him. I am so glad that I have reached a point in motherhood where it is no longer stressful and exhausting-- although once he starts crawling and walking, I'm sure that will change! I am so glad that I get to spend every day with him and that I am blessed to watch him develop into an amazing miracle of God. Children genuinely are a gift from the Lord! (Psalm 127:3)
One of my friends gave me this quote when I was only a couple of months pregnant last summer:
"Those first few weeks are an unearthly season. From the outside you remain so ordinary, no one can tell from looking at you that you have experienced an earthquake of the soul. You've been torn asunder, invested with an ancient, incomprehensible magic. It's the one thing we never quite get over: that we contain our own future." --Barbara Kingsolver (Animal Dreams)
I would add that it is an incomprehensible MIRACLE of GOD! How wonderful that He has allowed us to know the beautiful ups and downs of parenthood here on earth! Life is no longer ordinary, and we can now be thankful for the earthquake that forever reshaped our souls.
Monday, October 04, 2004
Water into Wine
What an incredible weekend! I am not even sure where to start!
This past weekend was our ZOE conference here in Nashville. Over 1,000 people attended-- our largest number ever! The weekend was rich with great teaching including Brian McLaren author of "A New Kind of Christian."
So, now I have so much stuff rummaging around my brain-- so many great ideas that I have been exposed to and need to process.... Where to begin?!?!
First, let me say that I was overwhelmed at how many people approached me to say that they have been reading my blog! It is really hard to comprehend that so many would even want to read the random ramblings of a stay-at-home mom... but, I am honored that you have been blessed by it. It was great to meet those of you who have visited and I hope we will all keep learning from each other and growing on our journey.
A few things that stuck in my head from this weekend:
This past weekend was our ZOE conference here in Nashville. Over 1,000 people attended-- our largest number ever! The weekend was rich with great teaching including Brian McLaren author of "A New Kind of Christian."
So, now I have so much stuff rummaging around my brain-- so many great ideas that I have been exposed to and need to process.... Where to begin?!?!
First, let me say that I was overwhelmed at how many people approached me to say that they have been reading my blog! It is really hard to comprehend that so many would even want to read the random ramblings of a stay-at-home mom... but, I am honored that you have been blessed by it. It was great to meet those of you who have visited and I hope we will all keep learning from each other and growing on our journey.
A few things that stuck in my head from this weekend:
- If we truly call ourselves Christians and have no non-Christian friends, can we really say that we are His disciples? It is like someone who has studied to become a doctor-- who has spent years and years learning all the intricacies of medicine and how to practice, and yet he has never been near a sick person. It is wasted knowledge and skill if it is never put into practice.
- We can get caught up in "Holy Desperation" and burn-out if we begin to sign-on for every task that comes our way... God is not looking for how much we did or were involved in while on earth... He is much more concerned with how we lived and who we touched in His name.
- Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine. Even though it was not yet His time, He recognized the urgent situation that arose at the wedding when the wine ran out. He intervened and changed the water into an abundant supply of wine-- about 600 bottles worth! He is still working that way in our lives. For most of us, life is running pretty smoothly-- our wedding feast. But, then suddenly-- sometimes in an instant-- things take a tragic turn for the worst. Our wine runs out-- we are empty-- we are devastated. Jesus has compassion and He changes our "water" into His wonderful wine. That is the kind of God we serve!
- That Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline is a GREAT book, but challenging!
I could go on and on about the things that I continue to wrack my brain about! I am still frustrated that I don't feel like I am doing everything I should as far as my Christianity goes. I don't think I have quite figured out how to use my gifts to best reach others for Him. This goes so far beyond the "works vs. grace" mentality-- it is just a restlessness on my part that I am not living up to the dreams God has planned for me, and I am not really sure how to figure out exactly what those dreams/plans are-- but I have a sneaking suspicion that Foster's book is going to help me with that in some way.
I also feel frustrated that I can't seem to find peace about other spiritual aspects in my life like the small group I am in and our Sunday morning class at church-- But, perhaps as Brandon likes to say-- "Creamed corn anyone?!" For those of you who aren't familiar with that reference-- it means maybe a public blog is not the best place to lay out personal details.... Basically, I am sure that problems (as I perceive them to be problems) lie with me anyway-- I need to relinquish my need to control situations or try to make them what I feel they should be. I need to remember that God alone is the change Agent-- not me. I just wish He would show me how to be His tool in the change process-- but, maybe He doesn't desire change or isn't even concerned with the things that are issues to me. He might want me focused on an entirely different agenda. Maybe the "brick wall" I feel like I am hitting my head up against is His way of telling me to head a completely different direction-- to just walk away and start over again. But-- is running away a ever a good solution, especially if the core of the matter lies within me and has nothing to do with any external circumstances?! SO confusing!!
Luke turned 8 months old yesterday! It is mind-boggling that he could be that old! He is still such a sweetie! So happy and fun! Scott and I just can't believe how wonderful he is! I desperately want to make the most of each moment we have with him-- I don't want to have too many regrets on things I wish I had done. I am learning that time already flies by too quickly and I am praying that I won't be blind to the moments that Scott and I just need to be still and savor the precious times we have with Luke.
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Lord-- I definitely do not have all the answers-- just more questions lately. I trust that You are working at this very moment in my life to bring me to the place you want and need me to be-- even if I can't see Your hand at work right now. Help me to be a Godly mother to Luke and a Godly wife to Scott-- and use me, Father-- however You want. Help me to be more gracious for the many times you have turned my water into wine and help me to remember, that like the wine at the wedding-- you often save the best for last!
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