Pathetic Pity Party

Today I was a little sad for the first time since I have been on bed rest-- which I guess has been going on for close to a month now. Why? Well, besdies the fact that Luke turned 22 months-old today, Santa came to church, and I wanted to make sure that Luke had his picture made. I also wanted to make sure that Scott captured every second on video and with our digital camera so I could share in the moment. It turns out that Luke is still not very keen on sitting on a man's lap who is dressed in red with a big white beard! Scott had his hands full trying to get him to sit long enough for a picture-- he cried the entire time. This didn't leave him much of an opportunity to capture the moment on film-- he had his hands full.

I was disappointed. I wanted a nice shot of Luke on Santa's lap for our Christmas newsletter (the official photos won't be back in time to include). I felt like if I had only been able to go I could have helped-- I might have been able to calm him and get him to sit long enough for a good shot. I was also just sad and frustrated that I missed out on the moment period.

I have missed out on several things already due to bed rest-- two weeks ago ZOE got to lead worship at the Ryman! How I wish I could have had that experience! Last week ZOE led at church and I hated to miss out on that since we rarely sing during church services here in Nashville. This weekend is Scott's company Christmas party in Denver. Of course, I can't go now... And the list goes on... But, I think the whole Luke thing bothers me more than any of the rest.

It is hard to be motivated to even decorate for Christmas since I can't be the one to hang the wreaths and trim the tree. It won't be the same directing Scott on where to put everything. I absolutely LOVE to decorate for Christmas, too... I have four trees and boxes and boxes of decorations that I love to pull out every year-- not to mention my Santa ornament collection! I must have close to 500 at least! I always pull out my Christmas music stash as soon as the plates are cleared at Thanksgiving! I so love to hear all my favorite Christmas cds again and to sit down at the piano and play carols to my heart's content... Add to that not being able to go shopping for hours in all the wonderful bustle of Christmas looking for the perfect presents.... Anyway-- I know I need to at least get one tree up for Luke's sake even if it's hard to get into the spirit.

OK-- so enough of the pity party sob story! My gloom only lasted for 30 minutes at most! I just reminded myself of how very blessed I am this Christmas. I have the most wonderful husband any woman could ever ask for-- I have the most precious son who delights me each day in new ways-- I have a gorgeous, comfortable home with or without Christmas decorations-- and I have a sweet baby girl who is on the way that I can't possibly even imagine how she will shape and change my life for the better-- I have devoted family and friends who are always there to support and love me.... Who could ask for anything more?!? God you are TOO good to me! Forgive me when I stop for even a single moment and try to feel sorry for myself! How pathetic!

So-- my "one day at a time" mentality is still in full gear. And despite the first four paragraphs of this entry, it hasn't been nearly as bad as I had anticipated. I started our Christmas newsletter today and that will take me all next week to compile-- plenty to keep me occupied! It is so fun to look back on the past 12 months and to ponder all that has happened, and it further reminds me of how very blessed we are.

25 Weeks and Counting!

The past few days have been rather tiring! Odd that I can actually get tired from sitting around all day doing next to nothing! Luke has been with us every day since Thanksgiving-- which really means that Scott has been mainly responsible for him along with trying to work from home. I know it must be very draining for him, but he hasn't complained once. He is being such a trooper through this entire ordeal.

Having Luke around is tiring for me, too, just because it wears on me that I cannot do anything with him like I used to. It is frustrating and sad, but at the same time, I love having him near me. I am thankful that he is still a tad too young to really have a concept of what is going on, but I know he realizes something is up with Mommy.

Today I was pondering how very strange it is all the silly day-to-day things I haven't been able to do for the last month. I haven't picked Luke up or changed his clothes or diapers. I haven't cooked a meal, swept a floor, folded/washed clothes, made a bed, gone to the Y to exercise-- all things which completely defined my world just a short while ago. It makes me long for the day when I will be able to resume all these tasks-- with joy and a renewed appreciation for my role around the house. I really miss the "normality" of it all. I hate feeling like I contribute nothing to the maintaining and running of the house. Like I already mentioned... Scott is a saint for picking up my slack along with all of his regular responsibilities, although I would have expected no less from him anyway. In the scheme of things, all of this temporary "sacrifice" on our parts is really minimal and trivial. Lord willing, once our little girl safely arrives, we'll be able to resume our lives again-- although having her here will automatically make things a ton more hectic-- not to mention the sleep deprivation we have to look forward to!-- But what a blessing even that will be!

I have a few projects lined up for the next couple of weeks. One is working on a smocked day gown for her. I was so excited to learn we were having a girl, because I had always wanted to learn how to smock. I wasn't convinced it was worth it for a boy, but was so eager to sign up for classes after we had our ultrasound! Obviously I wasn't actually able to make it to any of the classes due to the best rest. God has a way of sending you angels though, thus special thanks are due to Lana, our dear friend, who came over to teach me how to smock as well as also picking out material for me for the gown! She is the BEST! I will also start work on our 2005 Christmas newsletter. I really look forward to doing that each year. It is so nice to reflect back on all that has happened to our family during the past year and to see how much we have experienced and learned along the way.

Some things I am learning even now--- sacrifice is a crucial part of life along with self-denial. It teaches you to think outside yourself and to truly observe the world that is going on around you. I am learning that time is relative-- and very precious as well. The next month is critical for us and for our little girl's very survival, but for most, it will just be 4 weeks of chaos, shopping, parties, and routine which will pass in a blur. It all depends on your perspective and life circumstances. Externals tend to dictate the way we live our lives.

So- today we definitely have reason to celebrate since today I have safely reached 25 weeks of pregnancy! Each passing day means a better shot at life for our little one, and we feel very blessed! Thank you, Father! :)

In All Things Give Thanks

On this Thanksgiving, we have so many things for which to be thankful-- I don't even know where to start!

We give thanks for

• our little girl, who is still doing well and has made it to 24 weeks
• our incredible Luke, who is the most perfect son any parent could ask for-- he is such a joy to us-- so smart and sweet
• our marriage-- through the good and the bad, we remain best friends and genuinely appreciate the relationship that we have shared for 13 years
• our wonderful friends and family who lavish us with love and support
• our beautiful home that we are so blessed to have and to enjoy each day
• all the many blessings, big and small that God continues to send

It is good to pause and reflect on how fortunate and amazingly blessed we are. It is a day to refocus and "re-prioritize" and renew our spirits...

That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever. Psalm 30:12

May you all have a magnificent day of thanks with the ones you love and may you bask in the love that the Father has lavished upon us!

Good News!

We had a good report from the doctor today! The latest ultrasound showed that my cervix is now back to 2.5 cm! This is still on the short side, but much better than what it was when they first noticed it was short at 20 weeks when it measured 2 cm. He did a good job placing the cerclage, it seems to be holding well, and so far, I have had no complications from the surgery.

Yes, 2.5 cm is still short, but considering I was down to less than 1.5 cm at the time of my surgery, this is good news. Yeah, God!

I will remain on my modified bed rest, but they did say I can eat at the table and also encouraged me to walk around a bit more-- no prolonged standing, no lifting, etc. I will continue to play it safe over the next several weeks until I get to around 28 weeks-- no need to take any risks. They told me that it would also be ok to travel for Thanksgiving dinner with all my family!

The best news is that our little girl looks like she is doing great and looks perfectly healthy!

Baby Girl Westerman-- her head is to the right and she has her hand over her eyes!

We are so thankful for the good news, and we believe that all the prayers have sustained us to this point.

Blest Be the Ties...

I have posted before about our small group-- what a blessing they are to us. We usually switch up the hosting duties amongst us, but they are planning to meet at our house each week now, so that I can still participate from the couch! :) They all gathered around me tonight to lay hands on me and to pray over me and the baby. It was such a special moment for me.

Tough times can truly be a blessing. They remind you of how important relationships are and how much you need good friends, good family, and God to see you through the hard times. If you even have a circle of good friends and a supportive family, you are already blessed... and God is always with you!

It was so nice to hear Luke running around the house again this weekend. He is so wonderful and we love him so much. No matter what happens, we will still be blessed to have him.

I just feel so incredibly thankful tonight. I have no idea why I deserve to have such amazing people around me who continue to offer help and prayer. We literally have hundreds of people praying for our situation-- it is overwhelming, and I truly believe I have the peace that I have due to all those petitions on our behalf to the Father.

Luke Sweet Luke

Another good day today-- made especially great because Luke returned home!! I think he has aged at least 5 months in five days!!! He looks so much older than when I saw him last! Mom and Dad said he did great and didn't even cry once-- which is almost hard to believe.... They might be trying to make me feel better.

I am honestly shocked that this week has almost come to a close. It went by remarkably faster than I had anticipated, and I managed to maintain a positive attitude the entire time-- only by God's grace I am sure. I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now that Dr. M said that I might be able to minimize the bed rest at 28 weeks. That's only about a month from now. One month-- still sounds like an eternity from the couch, but it could definitely be worse, I'm sure. I just pray that our visit with the surgeon on Monday shows signs of improvement or at minimum that things haven't worsened.

Lessons I have learned this week? Good friends are priceless. Family is priceless. Knowing that people are praying for you-- priceless. Thanks to you all!

One Day at a Time

Good day today-- I think my body is starting to adjust to its new situation. It's hard to believe that not even a month ago I was making daily trips to the Y to do kickboxing, power sculpt, and spin classes! In one day's time, I went from intense hour-long workouts to sitting on a couch for 14 hours a day. I can't imagine what my system is thinking!

I wonder sometimes if all that exercise worsened my condition.... I worked out in a similar way throughout my pregnancy with Luke-- up until two weeks before he was born. I just had no idea that things would be any different this time around. Dr. M says that it probably had no impact... I'll never know, I guess.

I got a fun treat in the mail today! One of my best friends in the world who now lives in Texas sent me a book! SO nice to know she is thinking of me and giving me something to do to pass the time. I actually had people calling all day long to check on me-- offering food and help. Brandon also sent me a beautiful MP3 that he and Sheryl recorded last night at church of "He's Always Been Faithful" (Sara Groves). What a great song to remind me that God is at work in this stage of my life and that He has never let me down. It is so humbling and overwhelming to have such wonderful people to call "friends."

Luke has been gone 5 nights now-- this is the longest I have ever been away from him. God has given me a peace about it, thankfully. I know he is having fun, and it is hard on me when he is here because I can't do ANYTHING for him. I am also glad that he is so young that he won't remember any of this drama. I just pray he won't feel deprived in some way. It kills me that I can't pick him up. If I am blessed to carry this baby girl to term, then have a c-section, and then recover for 6-8 weeks-- I won't be able to pick Luke up until sometime in April!!! That is SO sad! By then he will probably be too big to carry anyway!!!! :(

They are bringing him back tomorrow! I am excited to see him! I pray he isn't too spoiled! :)

Parting is such SWEET sorrow!

Forgot to mention that I also learned yesterday that my kidneys are starting to show signs of not handling my sugar intake very well. This happened with Luke when I had my sugar test done at 28 weeks. Although I never tested positive for gestational diabetes, I was probably borderline. Dr. M said that since I was exercising throughout the pregnancy with Luke, I probably offset the condition.

Now that I am on the couch, immobile, this will be an issue for me this time more than likely. Dr. M told me that the diabetes rates for women on bed rest were much higher.... SO-- that means no more sugar for me!

This will be a challenge since I love cakes and all things chocolate! It at least made being on the couch a little easier to bear! Oh well-- yet another lesson in self control and sacrifice.

Praying for 2006

Went to our doctor today. Although she couldn't tell us that there's nothing to worry about... she did find a way to make me feel a little better about some things anyway. She said they still had no idea if my condition was due to an incompetent cervix or pre-term labor-- I am actually still a little vague on what the exact difference is! Then she went through some sobering facts on survival rates of babies born at certain points. If our little girl were to arrive any time within the next three weeks, her odds of living and/or surviving serious or long-term health issues would be next to none. At 26 weeks, things begin to look slightly better, but still not good. At 28 weeks things look even better, but the magic line is 30 weeks. This would put us right at the new year-- so we are continuing to pray that she doesn't come before 2006.

The encouraging bit-- she did say if things were still going well for me around week 28ish (mid-December), then maybe I could get off of the couch and resume some limited activity!!!! That would be so wonderful! So I am definitely hoping and praying for that!

She also said that she didn't want us to be discouraged about having future children-- that this was a manageable condition and that having a cerclage (the surgery I had on Thursday) much earlier- around 13 weeks-- would probably help. I just want to make it through this pregnancy first with a healthy little one before I can even think about the possibility of being pregnant again! I would feel completely blessed to have Luke and a sweet little girl.

We go to see the doctor who did my surgery on Monday, so I hope he will be able to give us more information on how things look at this point. In some rare cases the cervix will actually lengthen after the surgery, so we would be thrilled to learn that this had happened in my case!

We still feel so blessed to have so many friends and family checking in on us each day to make sure we are ok and to see if we need anything. It is truly overwhelming and we appreciate it SO SO much! THANK YOU! I also thank those of you out in blogland for all your kind words and prayers.

No matter what happens, God is good. He has always been so faithful to us.

My Countdown Clock!

Triage to Tornadoes

Today was rather uneventful compared to yesterday's scare. I felt fine-- no signs of contractions. In some weird way, I am thankful that we had yesterday's false alarm. I think it makes me feel better to know that I can have those kind of contractions and yet nothing has to be wrong necessarily. And, I now know what it is like to check into triage and what they will do to assess my situation-- not that I ever want to go back until she is full term-- Lord willing!!!!

Anyway-- we just feel so thankful that we had an ultrasound tech who was alert enough to notice that something was wrong with my cervix in the first place. From other stories we have heard (and that I have researched on the internet), most women never get the chance to prevent losing their babies... it just happens quickly and silently before than can react. No matter what happens now, at least we can have some sense of peace that we have done everything possible to give our little girl the best chance at life.

One of my dear ZOE friends Melissa came by today with her daughter to cheer me up and fix me lunch. It was such a treat to spend the day with her-- makes time pass so much more quickly! Another precious ZOE friend, JV, and his wife Liz are our neighbors now. She fixed us lasagna for dinner. Yum! We are just so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family who are on our side and willing to help in any way. We couldn't make it through this without them, although it is still hard for me to accept help. Scott tried to explain it to me-- that just like we long to help our friends in need whenever the need arises, that is what our friends are feeling now-- it's not right to keep them out, and we are so blessed in accepting their kindness and generosity. I am definitely learning lessons already from all of this.

So, Luke weathered the massive tornado scares in Henry County today in Pa Bob and Ma Betz' basement. I predicted last night that my worst nightmare would come true--- I always have recurring tornado dreams for some reason-- and I was sure that my parents would be in tornado alley since Luke was staying with them!-- and they were! Thankfully, the storms passed just to the north and south of their home and they are all fine. Luke didn't even want to leave the basement after the front had passed through! He is having fun and I don't think he even misses us or realizes that he is gone. It is most definitely harder on us than it is him-- he won't even remember any of this-- but I have a feeling he will be spoiled rotten after several weeks of being pampered and catered to! Oh well!!!

We go to my doctor tomorrow although I'm not really sure what she will be able to tell us. She might give us her thoughts on the notes she got on my surgery. As far as the bed rest goes, I doubt anything will change... Even though they have no real facts that support or prove that bed rest even helps, they pretty much have to recommend I stay put. If anything happened and they had said bed rest was optional, all of us would have regrets.... So... the couch will most likely be home my home for the foreseeable future.

I'll update tomorrow!

Better Safe Than...

This morning I woke up around 7:30 with some tightening in my stomach. Since I am already at such a "high risk" point in this pregnancy, I immediately started to think that something was wrong. One of the warning signs they had told me to watch for was contractions.

I tried to tell myself I was over-reacting, so I lay back down and decided to just monitor things for awhile. Scott had scheduled business meetings all day long and I hated to think about calling him to say that he was going to have to reschedule them... he was already making such sacrifices by working from home anyway-- I wanted him to be able to attend some meetings as usual for a change.

As I lay in bed in my completely quiet house (Luke is with my parents), I just talked to God. It is so hard to know what to pray for in this situation. Obviously we ask Him for healing and for a safe delivery for our little one. But, what if she does come too early? It is hard to admit, but I have told Him that if she is destined to be born early and forced to suffer for months in the NICU and fight physical challenges her entire life-- then, wouldn't it just be better for her to go ahead and join Him? Maybe I am just being selfish because I don't think that I could handle it...

At about 9:30 my stomach tightened up in a ball. I had experienced this many times toward the end of my pregnancy with Luke--- I was sure it was just the typical Braxton Hicks contractions... But-- now, nothing seems "typical" in this pregnancy, so I was worried.

I called my doctor and spoke to Jeannie my favorite nurse who has looked out for us some many times over the past several years. She said that if I was worried that I should just head into the triage center and have it checked out.

I am usually one to analyze and over-analyze any situation before acting... but now my first priority is to get our little girl as far as I can in this pregnancy before she decides to be born. I decided that it was worth going in. If it turned out to be nothing, then I would still feel better knowing than wishing that I had done something after the fact.

Scott just happened to call in the midst of my panic. He was adamant that we go to the hospital. So, he cancelled his meetings and came straight home.

We got to the hospital parking garage, said a prayer, and then headed in. All the triage rooms were full with women actually in full labor, so we had to wait. When we were finally taken to a room, it wasn't the typical triage room, but a large private birthing room. At this point I hadn't felt anything in over an hour.

She hooked me up to the monitors and asked me a million questions (the same ones I had been asked before my surgery on Thursday!). When she finally revealed the monitor, I could tell that the contraction line looked good-- I have gotten pretty good at reading those things at this point! Her heartbeat sounded and looked good as well. I began to breathe a sigh of relief.

After an hour and a half of monitoring later, they decided that it was a false alarm! :)

My doctor had come by to check on me and she confirmed that I was right to come on in. There is just no way to know and in my situation, I have to err on the side of caution.

So-- we are thrilled and relieved to no end that the outcome today was not more tragic. In my heart I feel like this is just yet another hurdle we will have to jump before we have our little one home safely... but... one day at a time.

Thanks for all the support, love, and encouragement! Scott and I feel the indescribable peace that we know comes from all the prayers being lifted up on our behalf.

We are blessed.

Luke is blissfully unaware of all the drama and is having the time of his life with Pa Bob and Ma Betz!

Luke sitting in Pa Bob's computer chair!

As I Lay Resting...

Much has happened over the last several weeks... When we went for our 20-week ultrasound, they noticed that my cervix was measuring short. No action was taken at the time; my doctor decided I should return in a week to see what things looked like then. A week later it looked pretty much the same, and she was encouraged.... But this past Monday, things looked worse-- my cervix had shortened again.

On Thursday, I had a cerclage done-- a surgery to hopefully prevent my cervix from shortening any further and hopefully keeping our little girl where she needs to be so that I can carry her close to full term.

Needless to say, all of this has caught us off guard and has been a little hard to grasp. I am now on bed rest for the foreseeable future, which is also going to be a major adjustment for all of us.

Scott has me hooked up now on a laptop so that I can stay in touch, and I am sure I will have more time than I ever dreamed to keep my blog up-to-date!

Keep us in your prayers! We are confident that God is in control, and that His will will be done.

Much more soon from the couch!

Our little race car driver. Luke's new room will have a race car bed, so we thought we'd keep with the theme!

Happy Fall from Amy & Luke!

Happy Halloween

Tonight is my 2nd Halloween!
I'm ready to race onto the scene!
Hope you all have more treats than tricks...
And that you get your candy fix!

Love,

It's A Girl!

Well-- Luke is going to have a little sister! We are so thrilled-- most of all because she looked healthy and normal. We are very blessed.

Scott was a little shocked, even though he had a feeling early on that it was a girl. Perhaps he is already thinking about the wedding he will have to pay for in the future! I suppose girls are more "high maitenance" in some ways!

I am excited because now I am going to learn to smock and I can go crazy buying cute, pink frilly things! I'll also have a shopping partner- Luke hates shopping so far!

It is still hard to imagine adding another soul to the family, but we are looking forward to it! :)

Long Time, No Post!

Life has a way of keeping us busy, huh?! I have had SO many great blogging ideas-- even lying awake at night thinking of things-- but, I just haven't made my way to the computer to post them! Oh, well!

Life is good-- we had a tiny scare with the baby a few weeks back.... It appears that I had developed a rare antibody in my blood. My doctor wasn't sure if I had picked it up when I had the two blood transfusions after Luke was born, or if I had started producing it in reaction to the baby. So, they checked Scott's blood-- he came back negative, which means more than likely my body is not trying to fight off the baby, and I probably just have this weird antibody thanks to the transfusions. That was a relief, but I will still feel better when we go to have our 20 week ultrasound on Tuesday. I want to make sure that the baby's development is on target and normal. We are also very excited to learn if we are having a baby boy or baby girl Westerman!! I honestly do not care which as long as it is healthy-- plus there are definite advantages either way-- if it is boy, then Luke will have a GREAT playmate close to his age who will be interested in the same sort of things-- they can share toys and he can wear all of Luke's clothes!! If it is a girl, then I can learn to smock and have fun buying tons of pink clothing! So-- whatever God has chosen is fine with us! I'll keep you posted! :)

It's so hard to believe November is almost here! I SO love this time of year! From the changing of the leaves and the cooler air-- things just keep getting better and better! Halloween, costumes, and candy-- Thanksgiving, food, family-- Christmas-- parties, presents!!!-- New Year's, Scott's birthday, my birthday!, Luke's birthday, Valentine's Day, the new baby's birthday-- Spring, Easter!!!! Fun holidays and reasons to celebrate just seem to keep coming one right after another!!!

I sat on the couch tonight with Luke watching my thousandth "Charlie and Lola" episonde (a Disney cartoon Luke is addicted to!) before it was time for him to get ready for bed. He is such a blessing and SUCH a great kid! Every day is a joy with him! I don't know how we can possibly be so lucky with child #2!! He is getting so smart! He understands everything we say and is babbling away himself-- soon to be talking up a storm, I'm sure. We were cuddled up on the couch in the playroom when he reached over and grabbed my hand. Right then it hit me that this is what life is all about-- taking the time to treasure these sweet, simple moments. They go by way too quickly.

Scott and I attended a "new/prospective members" luncheon after church today at Otter Creek. I am SO agreeing with their entire philosophy on the vision of the church! We both feel SO comfortable there and "at home", but it is still an extremely hard decision to leave Woodmont, which we also love for many reasons. We're still visiting, and praying!

Last week in my Bible study on Becoming a Woman after God's Own Heart we examined having a heart for your children. It was a great look at our responsibilities as parents to raise our kids to know God's law and His Word, to teach them God's wisdom, to dedicate them daily to the Lord, and to love them in all circumstances-- just as God loves us. One of the things that really convicted me-- among many... She had us look at the "ideal wife" from Proverbs 31. She had us list the things we felt we had in common with her. This was pretty daunting in and of itself-- she sets a pretty high standard-- I haven't bought any fields lately! :) But, the thing that struck me was when she asked us if there were things in the list that we felt we needed to work on or to add to our life as a parent. The verse that hit me was this: She's quick to assist anyone in need, and reaches out to help the poor (Proverbs 31:20). I want Luke to see a true passion in my life and Scott's for the poor and those in need. I want to give him opportunities to serve others in that way. I really want to work on that, and for God to open our eyes to how He wants to use us for His glory.

So, tandem onto this the powerful missional message at the ZOE conference weekend, and I more than ever feel challenged by the call to really "be Jesus" to those I come into contact with each day. As scary as it is for me, I am praying each day that God will open my eyes to the opportunities all around me. I truly want to step out of my comfort zone and be bold for Him, I'm still not sure exactly what that is going to look like for me though-- but, at least I am opening myself up to the possibility!

ONE WEEK TILL ZOE CONFERENCE! :)

Scott and I have been truly blessed in life to have a great set of friends surrounding us. They are an amazing support system. They have prayed for us when we needed prayer, they have encouraged us, they have challenged us.... This summer we all decided to start a Sunday night Bible study together. We had all been in various small groups-- some of which worked well, some of which were scattered and unorganized.... But, we all felt this deep need to establish this group and take our relationships to an even deeper spiritual level.

All of us are now entering the "30-something" stage of life-- kids, job/career choices, house choices, church choices. Basically, we are all "growing up" and starting to realize just how important our spiritual walk is and how desperately we need good friends on the journey with us-- people we can be real with and share ALL of our lives with-- a level of intimacy which totally surpasses purely social interaction. We want our kids to grow up together, playing, etc. but we also want them to see us trying to grow closer to God as we strengthen the ties with each other.

Yes, our lives are crazily busy and our schedules are maxed out-- but meeting each week is a priority for us... the cost of NOT meeting is simply too great. We are trying to hold each other accountable to this commitment and to be very disciplined about it.

We are studying "Waking the Dead" by John Eldredge which has proven to be a great book for where we are. The basic premise is that we all rob ourselves of the true abundant life that Jesus came to give us because we aren't aware of the many ways we live in denial-- we hide behind masks and emotional/spiritual indecision rather than acknowledging our real reason/purpose for living. God has called us to a life fully alive in Him, and when we hide behind our masks, we rob Him-- and others-- of His glory.

It is so incredible how our group has melded even over the last few weeks once we have started to drop the "masks" and to get real about where we are on the journey. Once you decide to surpass the social appearances and lay everything out on the table for all to see, relationships quickly deepen. People begin to see "Hey, they struggle with the same things we do!"; "I feel the same way at times in my life."

It is no wonder that James tells us in chapter 5 that confessing brings about healing. We can only begin to heal those things we are honest in naming aloud to each other. I am so thankful that we have a safe place in which to do this! I can't wait to look back in 20 years and see how God has been working among us and to see all the ups and downs we have helped each other through. Community is a good-- and necessary-- thing.

ZOE conference is coming up NEXT weekend! Can't wait to worship with everyone! It truly is one of my favorite times of the year! God is so obviously present in the hearts of all those who come to seek Him. We were all practicing last night, and it just felt so good to know that these songs will minister to people in ways we can't even know-- but that at the same time, it isn't about us. There is so much freedom in that!

Safe travels for all of you who are coming! Can't wait to see you-- or to meet you! :)

The LIFE of the Party

We are doing a study of Luke at church and today the sermon was from chapter five. Tonight in our Bible study group we were discussing the sermon and what we had gleaned from the chapter and someone brought up the dinner at Levi's (Matthew's) house. What a scene-- Jesus hanging out with tax collectors and "other people" at a huge "party/feast"! Were these old drinking/cheating buddies of Matthew? Did he want them to encounter Jesus in the same way he had? Is this why he threw the party in the first place? Or, had his buddies heard about Matthew's crazy decision to give up the tax collector life to follow some strange rabbi? Had they come to the feast to see for themselves what Matthew had signed up for and what could possibly be so great about this guy he was so willing to give up everything to follow?

And, at the party, were those guys sitting around laughing amongst themselves about how much money they had swindled from people over the past month? Did Jesus hear them? Did he say anything, or did He let it slide? Or, did those men sense something when Jesus looked into their eyes? Did they have some strange feeling that this man knew them-- and all their sinfulness-- in ways they could never begin to imagine?

And then when the "good guys" showed up to crash the party and stop the fun, Jesus stuns them with: "It is not those who are well who need a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance."

So-- we thought for awhile.... What did that all really look like? What did he really mean by that statement? And-- maybe even more convictingly-- what does that mean for us today?

I would consider myself amongst the "sick"-- even on my best days.... Jesus' use of metaphors is so frustrating at times at least on the surface. He could have answered those guys in more direct terms on so many occasions, but instead, He always seems to paint a word picture for them-- giving them something to chew on for awhile.

The relationship between a doctor and his patient is an interesting dynamic. We don't seek a doctor unless we are sick, and when we are sick, we are desperate for healing and relief. We are in some ways completely at the mercy of the doctor and his cures. We are totally dependent on him to fix what is ailing us. Was Jesus trying to get the Pharisees to realize that they, too, were utterly dependent upon Him-- only they refused to admit it? They were in complete denial of just how spiritually sick they were. Perhaps it is no coincidence that just before this banquet passage Jesus heals the leper and the paralytic-- both of whom sought out Jesus and had faith that He could provide the healing that they needed. A stark contrast with the Pharisee's mind set.

So-- what does this mean to those of us who are definitely "sick" in one sense, too, but who also have recognized that Jesus is the only answer for our lives? When we encounter the sick of this world who don't know Him, how do we meet them where they are and not come across as judgmental or overly fanatical about wanting to share our faith? Jesus also says-- "The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire"(Matt. 3:10). He obviously never condoned the immoral actions of the men-- so what does hanging out with sinners really look like? How can you simply associate with "sinners" without at some point having to face the "I am compelled to confront them about the sin in their life" moment? How did you socialize and let them know the truth at the same time? Where is the balance between calling someone from a life of sin and at the same time just loving them the way that they are?

Maybe those are really the easy questions. Maybe the harder questions have to do with why we are not hosting any banquets ourselves. How often do we really go out on a limb and put ourselves in those kind of situations where we know that we are actively pursuing the "sick"?-- those that Jesus made a specific point to reach while He was here. I think we most often have parties for the people who already love Jesus and already view Him the same way we do-- it isn't often that we pull up our chairs to a table with those who don't see faith in the same way we do. Why?!

Are we afraid of becoming the "door knockers" or "spiritual vacuum cleaner salesmen" of our generation? Do we assume that everyone around us already knows His love and mercy-- or that at the very least they have been exposed to Jesus already and have already made up their minds one way or another about Him?

It is all hard stuff to wrestle with! It takes us into scary territory. Reaching out to others can be so uncomfortable. I don't really want to put myself into such a vulnerable position. We live in a world whose mantra is "I'm ok-You're ok". We don't ever want to set ourselves up in the position of telling others that the lifestyle they have chosen to live is not consistent with how God has called us to live. Is that because we know only too well the baggage and sin we carry in our own lives?

It all has to come down to grace. When we can become comfortable simply sharing the wonderful freedom of His grace with others, then real change begins to happen-- in our lives and in other's lives. Donald Miller says that it isn't our job to change people, but rather it is our job to love people. When that connection is made, then God can work to bring about the change He desires.

Lord, please teach me and show me how to do this in real ways in my daily life!! I am so blind to the many opportunities that You lay before me every day to share Your love and mercy. Help me to be less self-focused and more other-focused. You have graciously given Your love and mercy to me-- help me to share it with others!

Future Big Brother!

We can now proudly announce that yet another Westerman will be joining our ranks in March! We are looking forward to seeing Luke with his new brother or sister and experiencing all the chaos that will come with having two! Keep us in your prayers!

Thoughts on Loss and Love

I know all of you have been deeply touched and affected by the haunting images of the Katrina victims. It seems like such an overwhelming tragedy-- you want to help, but you aren't even sure where to begin.... Luke and I went by Target today and picked up supplies which will be taken down this afternoon by a local church to another church in Jackson, Mississippi to be distributed. At least I felt like I was doing something to help.

As I loaded up boxes of diapers, sheets, food....-- it just struck me how VERY blessed we are. Buying those items was no real sacrifice for us. We have been so fortunate and this small gesture doesn't even seem like much. How can we not help when we have a hot meal to eat together tonight in our comfortable home and cozy beds to sink into when we turn out the lights?! I can't even begin to fathom how those people are coping... it truly does break your heart. I am praying that God will use us in even bigger ways in the near future to help out in any way we can. This is definitely not a cause that will be over in a matter of weeks.

I am almost finished with Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller-- what an interesting read. I have really enjoyed his insights on faith. Last night's chapter was "How to Really Love People." It was a great take on how we tend to only relate to people in economic terms. He started by showing us an example with cancer. When you ask people to use metaphors relating to cancer they more than not respond with "we battle cancer", "we fight cancer", "we defeat cancer", etc.-- all terms that have overtones of battle/war. Doctors say that this has a negative effect on cancer patients-- that it stresses them out and puts a lot of pressure on them when they see it as an enemy to be fought in a life and death battle. Then he moved on to our personal relationships and noted that our metaphors there follow a similar pattern-- not battle, but economic-driven-- "we value people", "people are priceless", "we avoid emotionally bankrupt relationships", "we invest in people's lives", etc. Miller comments:

And that's when it hit me like so much epiphany getting dislodged from my arteries. The problem with the Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money.... If somebody is doing for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity, or what have you, we feel they are priceless.... With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did. [We] used love like money, but love doesn't work like money. It is not a commodity. When we barter with it, we lose. Blue Like Jazz, pg. 218

I am sure that I have treated relationships in my life that way. It is so easy to reduce them to "How will this person benefit me?" or "Are they worth the investment of my time and energy?". That is very hard to admit/confess-- but so often true.

Miller goes on to share-- "Nobody will listen to you unless they sense that you like them. If a person senses that you do not like them, that you do not approve of their existence, then your religion and your political ideas will all seem wrong to them. If they sense that you like them, then they are open to what you have to say." BLJ, pg. 220

When we never allow ourselves to truly open up and love people-- we are the real losers. We are missing out on so much. Everyone has a beautiful story to share and things that we can learn from...

I am starting to see that my religious and political views don't really matter all that much in the scheme of things and that there is an entire world of people out there who need to be loved-- regardless of their views and perspectives on the world. It is too easy to surround myself with people who like me and think like me. Jesus called us to more than that. I think it is finally dawning on me that this is really at the heart of what it means to be "missional". It is getting outside of yourself just long enough to realize that people matter because they matter to Him. It isn't my job to change people-- it is my job to show everyone the love of Christ.

I sincerely pray that God will open my eyes and show me ways to LOVE people.

Blue Like Jazz

Last night I was so blessed to hear an incredible speaker named Donald Miller. Two years ago he wrote a book called Blue Like Jazz which really took off among believers as well as non-believers. He presents an amazingly real view of Christianity. He doesn't profess to be any sort of preacher-- just a "man in the pew" like the rest of us.

His talk last night was "Romeo, Juliet, and Jesus". I can't count how many times I have taught this play to students-- some like it, some don't. But, last night, I was shown a side of the story that I had NEVER considered-- that the entire story mirrors our relationship with Christ. We are the Romeo who has no power to change our name or nature apart from Juliet (Christ). Then and only then can we be "newly baptized" and share in a real relationship with Him. I can't do the entire talk justice-- but it truly was eye-opening for me. At the end, he showed a clip from Baz Lurhmann's remake of the film with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. He pointed out that surprisingly, Baz made Biblical/spiritual references throughout the movie-- with a cross in almost every scene. And in the final death scene, he stages it in a church, with Juliet (Christ) laid out as a sacrifice on an altar. Romeo must walk down the aisle and then join Juliet in Death, then Lurhmann pans out to show that Romeo and Juliet are lying within a huge cross made from thousands of candles. - much like Paul talks about us dying with Christ to rise again in a new relationship with Him.

Another great point that he made was how our Americanized culture has stripped the power of the gospel--- that as good consumers, we are always on the look out for the miracle product that will change our life and bring us happiness and fulfillment.... and that we have done the same with Jesus. We want a 5 step plan on how to have a relationship with him that we can easily implement and that, if pursued correctly, will bring us the fulfillment we long for.... He says that it is a complete distortion of Christ's message. That if it were some type of formula, Jesus would have laid it out for us in scripture-- He didn't... Instead he presented everything in terms of relationship metaphors-- Father to child, Shepherd to sheep, King to servant, etc.

Miller's bottom line point was that the very nature of finding Christ resides in that relationship and NOTHING else.... that our "Age of Enlightenment" mentality has robbed us from seeing the amazing beauty of the love relationship He wants to have with each of us-- that we have lost the artistry and beauty of the story, and we have tried to reduce it to something we can prove or measure. He argues that it cannot be done-- which is so hard to accept in our "see it to believe it" world. He says it is simply a beautiful mystery which cannot be explained any more than you can walk up to a blackboard and define the steps it takes for a man and woman to fall in love.

A great example he gave of how our logical minds hear and interpret Christ-- When we read Jesus' claim that we must reject mother and father, etc. to follow Him, we think, "That is so harsh! He was such a by the book kind of guy. How can I ever do that?" But when we read Shakespeare's Juliet say to Romeo deny thy father and reject your family, we think, "Oh how beautiful! What a love story!" We need to reorient our view of Christ in relationship terms so that we don't miss out on the amazing obsession and love He has for us.

Anyway-- it was a SUPER talk that I wish all of you could have heard! It really made me think, and I went home and read half of Blue Like Jazz last night!

I thrive on people who can challenge me to see things in a way I have never thought of, and Miller did just that!

Check out his site for some excerpts from his books!

http://www.bluelikejazz.com/

Making Memories in Destin

We had a great time in Destin.

It was fun watching Luke experience the ocean for the first time.

Luke wasn't sure if he liked the sand on his feet or not! He kept wanting us to get it off!

Mommy and Luke at the beach.

Sunset in Destin!

Luke enjoyed being in the ocean-- he just didn't like to be on the water's edge when the water hit the sand.

Up the Down Staircase

This Sunday, Scott, Luke and I leave for a big family vacation in Destin-- my Mom and Dad, my Aunt, my two sisters, and niece and nephew! Over the past several years, our family has taken trips together-- mostly our West-- to Yellowstone and Glacier. This is the first time we have ever headed to the beach-- much to my youngest sister's delight!

Luke continues to teach me new things about the world and life each day. He is getting very independent lately as far as his mobility. He weighs around 30 lbs. now, so I am more than happy for him to walk everywhere that he chooses, as long as he holds my hand when necessary. One of his favorite jaunts is from our car, inside the Y, to the nursery, and back every morning. He will proudly hold my hand and stroll in the front door, greeting Miss Erin and Mr. Michael each day as they scan our card and say hello to him. Then we head to the double staircase which leads us down to the nursery. I am still amazed at how his walking skills have progressed just over the past few months. Now he can easily hold the railings and maneuver his way down the stairs, slowly but surely.

His persistent stair climbing always draws thoughtful comments and smiles, whether he is going up or down. Perhaps this is because everyone must wait on him or step around him in order to use the stairs themselves! Everyone is sweet and patient with him.

Wednesday, we were headed up the stairs from the nursery. As I was encouraging him with, "Good job, Luke!", "What a big boy you are!", I noticed a precious elderly woman coming down the stairs on the opposite side of the railing. She looked over at Luke and smiled. It occurred to me at that moment what an irony this all was... Luke was trying with all his might to get up the stairs as she was now trying with all her might to get down the stairs... It was a whole "circle of life" realization that at some point, time kind of reverses itself and we all become "young" and helpless again-- just as we started out in the world.

Luke and I spent Tuesday night with our small group (Scott was in Denver). One of the couples in our group is moving to Knoxville this weekend-- he will start law school there in a week. This was a "going away party" of sorts. Their little boy is 6 months older than Luke. We all hate to see them go, but at the same time, we are excited for them. Change is an inevitable part of life, no doubt, but sometimes it is easier than others.

I have never been good at change. I have openly admitted that for several years now, but that hasn't made the changes I have faced--and am currently facing-- any easier, most of the time. As I am growing older, I am realizing many things about myself-- I am especially weird about some things. I think I analyze life and the world more than most-- this is both good and bad. For example, I have always questioned the church "baggage" that I grew up hearing and being taught, wondering why it was so easy for most people to come to church every week, sit on a pew, and NEVER question things! It seemed as if they chose to live in ignorant bliss. They surely never sat up all night debating a particular part of Scripture or wondering why things were the way they were! They just lived life and enjoyed the time they had... I always had to make things more complicated for myself. But, now, maybe I see that they all probably had those questioning moments in life, but they lived through them, survived them, and chose NOT to make their lives more complicated than necessary! Maybe bliss isn't ignorance after all, but instead it is "release". I need to remember to release all my concerns, frustrations, and questions to God and let Him handle it! When I don't, I am showing a lack of faith and a pathetic reliance on myself instead of Him.

So-- I trust that in "My Summer of Spiritual Discontent" that God will ultimately make all things clear to me, and He will bring me peace about the changes in my life.

Scott competed in his first triathlon on Saturday, July 30th.
He did well and met his goal! He and Luke celebrated at the finish line!

Luke and Mommy on the 4th of July!

I've Seen Fire and I've Seen Rain....

Well-- I can't believe that it has been so long since I last posted! This is a record I am not proud to have set!

There aren't really any good excuses for it. Perhaps there has been so much going on in my world that is simply not good "blog fodder".... Things that are just too intimate to splash around for all to see. Some of those things are extremely wonderful and joyful-- some aren't.

I honestly haven't had the time-- or maybe it's the energy--- to spend on pondering deep spiritual principles or to even begin to think about posting them out here in blog land! I hope that I can write about all the stuff that is happening one day soon-- maybe after everything has been resolved. I hope that comes quickly!!

Beyond that-- life has been good! Our dear ZOE tenor Jason was married a couple of weeks ago! It was a beautiful wedding! Another wonderful ZOE milestone!

Luke is 18 months old today! He is still a great kid, but he is definitely starting to push those limits! He isn't good about sitting still or obeying yet! He just wants to run around and do as he pleases! He has no concept of patience either! Add to his new attitude the complexity of transitioning into a new nap schedule-- and life is interesting! :) He is still a sweetie, though!

It's hard to believe that August is already here! Why does time speed up as we age?!

Scott and I went to a James Taylor concert Sunday night. What a place to people watch! We had grass seats. As I looked around at the sea of young-- and old-- lovebirds, it struck me just how much time had gone by since Scott and I first went to see James Taylor in 1992. We had only been dating a month-- our relationship was so new! We were SO "in love"! We reveled in the summer night and had no clue what the years ahead had in store for us!

Now as we sat and listened to the same songs, on the same grass-- life had taken such a different turn! We weren't so much the infatuated lovebird-type-- maybe more the loving, mature married couple with an 18 month-old! At one point, we were forced to move our blanket to escape the smoke clouds from three teenaged boys who had plopped down next to us.... We ended up behind a couple who were probably in their early 40s. A few songs later, I couldn't help but notice that they hadn't even spoken one word to each other, and the distance between them, even on their tiny quilt, couldn't have been greater. From my outside observation, it really seemed sad. How could they be at a concert like this, with JT singing "How Sweet it Is to be Loved By You?" and act so indifferently towards one another?! Why did they even come? Then it hit me that I NEVER EVER want to be in a place like that in my marriage! I want to do whatever it takes to rediscover and never lose sight of our inner-"lovebirds" and to remember that passion that we shared back in '92!

Scott and I laid back on our little quilt, with our funnel-cake, and felt happy that we were still in love and so blessed to have such a wonderful family!

I wonder if JT will be touring when Luke is a teen? It would be fun to take him! :)

Happy 10th anniversary to us! In front of the Atlantis hotel in the Bahamas.

Paradise Island, the Bahamas.

This Pop Quiz We Call Life

Scott and I returned Monday night from our tenth anniversary getaway. The hotel was great-- the aquarium displays were truly amazing-- food was REALLY expensive though.

June is the beginning of the rainy season there, and it did rain quite a bit in the afternoons, but there was still enough sun for us both to get sufficiently burned our first day out. The beach was just the best! The water was crystal clear and tropical fish were everywhere swimming right by us-- no need for a snorkel!

The best part of the trip was the time we had to reconnect-- to talk about our marriage and to set goals for the future. Like I have discussed many times before-- it is so easy to fall into the "roommate" trap as a couple-- which is the point where your relationship becomes all about the facts and practical aspects of life and less about the passion and purpose that keeps you together. We agreed that we should cut each other some slack since having a child definitely has an effect on the overall relationship-- especially in the beginning. We are glad that we are able to discuss things openly and that we realize we need to be aware of how important our marriage is. So-- weekend getaways are a very good thing! Thanks to my Mom and Dad for watching Luke for us!

Luke was very happy to see us return! It is crazy to me how he looks so much older than he did just a mere 5 days earlier when I dropped him off! He is definitely a little "spoiled" after being with the grandparents. Maybe spoiled isn't the right word, but he is just "whinny"-- he doesn't like being told "no" and he wants to be the center of attention. Hopefully he will fall back into his old self soon and start sleeping until 8 am again-- for some reason he started getting up an hour or so earlier while we were gone.

As far my return to the real world-- there is much going on at church with our Sunday school class-- some good, some bad. It amazes me how adults can always so easily revert back to a state of "high school drama"-- (I include myself in that category). I have continued to be struck by how very differently people can view the world even though you would think we are all looking out the same window. Not a chance! Some people see a vast frontier yet to be conquered, some see a desert wasteland not worth pursuing, some look past the sand and see an oasis, some can't see anything because they can't stop focusing on the patterns on the curtains!! My problem is that I can't seem to determine which category I fall into on this one! I fear that I am ready to jump out of the window or at least I want to shut it and pray for God to point me to the door-- or at least another window!!!

One thought has struck me-- why are some so desperate to find a formula for faith? It seems like so many of us are more than ready to follow blindly anyone who makes spiritual sense and seems to have a faith of their own. Do we think that we can share in that faith if we become "good students of the teacher" and start to think the same way and hold to the same views? It's like we want someone to say, "Here is how you find God and a real relationship with Him in three easy steps." Sign me up! I like to follow directions and be involved with something where I can see real, tangible results-- and I can measure my progress-- and yours-- along the way. Somehow, I think Jesus came to show us that there are no formulas, only the form of a cross. Lord, please help me to open my eyes to how easily I have let this happen in my own life. Help me to mature in my own walk and to put my trust in you alone-- not in any person or Bible study.

Another side to all of this is how desperate we have become to find "community" in a world that has become increasingly more isolated. Few dare to venture outside their homes except to take out the trash or mow the lawn. We rely on our internet, TV, and the pizza delivery man! We don't have the time to cultivate meaningful relationships with others-- we are always trying to recover from the rush and hassles of our own lives, so when we have a few moments of unspoken for time, we want to retreat into our homes and enjoy the silence and seclusion. So, when we do manage to drag ourselves to church on Sunday, we expect the people there to be our "community" and to make up for all that we have been missing the other six days of our isolated week. We soon find that a few hours on Sunday is a hard way to develop those deep ties-- we soon find that the church is so large that no one really notices if we show up or not (and we can always watch the sermon online anyway!). We begin to wonder why we don't fit in and why we don't belong, why we aren't needed, and why everyone else seems to have their lives together except us, and we get angry and frustrated that we can't figure out how to obtain that community that seems to be out of our reach..... Church becomes more of a country club with cliques and rules and social hierarchies..... and some decide that they no longer see the benefit of paying their weekly dues-- and really, the church down the street seems to have a better atmosphere and perks as of late anyway.

How did Jesus define "church"?

Yikes! Didn't mean to ramble on! It's late. Scott's in Denver, and I have more questions than answers lately! Such is life! One stage after another where you continue to realize that just when you think you might have started to answer the question, you realize the question has changed, you are living in a "post" something or another world, and that you have NO idea why you ever thought you had the slightest inkling of knowledge on that subject or any other one for that matter!!! :)

That is when you have to slow down (stop typing!), take a deep breath, and remind yourself that Jesus is THE only Answer needed for this pop quiz we call "life."

Our 10th Anniversary - June 10, 2005

Lightning never strikes twice-- but 10 times!

Scott and I celebrated our 10th anniversary on Friday! I can't believe it! TEN YEARS!

Scott brought me flowers and surprised me with a diamond cross necklace! Very pretty! Then, we went to Fleming's for a nice romantic dinner! We are also headed to the Bahamas this Friday for an amazing getaway to the Atlantis resort! It will be a second honeymoon of sorts! We are VERY excited about this trip together to think back over our last 13 years together. (3 dating!)

Who can sum up 10 years in a few words? Thought I would share from the journal entry I wrote on June 9, 1995-- the night before our wedding.
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Finally, the night I have been waiting for is here! Actually, it's almost come and gone! I wasn't nervous at all today except for a few brief moments on the way to the church for the rehearsal dinner.... Scott and I didn't get to talk much. You're just too busy to think! I am glad that I am writing about how I'm feeling the night before our wedding! I'm pretty calm and very tired! I hope to get some good sleep tonight- everything is going so fast! It seems like chaos to me, but I guess it's normal!

This is my very last night as "Amy Anderson"-- I wonder what Scott is doing tonight at this moment?.... On the way home from the rehearsal dinner tonight, the sky was filled with lightning over the lake. It was very beautiful. Scott loves lightning. I think that it is very special that it happened tonight, because the first time Scott told me that he loved me, lightning had just struck, and I said, "I love lightning" and then Scott said, "I love you." I was so happy to hear those words because I knew I loved him, too! That was about a month and a half after we started dating! God truly brought us together! I can't wait to take his name tomorrow and start a new life with him! Lord, thank You for this beautifully hectic time!
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The past 10 years with him have been truly blessed! I can't imagine having a better husband or father to our son, Luke. I am looking forward to the next ten years with my best friend!

My Babble and the Flip Side of Babel

Well-- it is almost midnight, and I should have gone to bed a LONG time ago. It is hard to keep a normal schedule when Scott is out of town. I always end up staying up late for some reason.

Having Scott gone makes for LONG days, too. Luke is still a dream-- so fun to be with, but I never underestimate how great it is when "Daddy" comes walking through the door at night. It is just nice to be able to sit back and watch him interact with Luke, or change a diaper, or feed him, or give him a bath. It lets me focus on other things and allows me to have a more objective perspective on things. Scott really is an AMAZING dad. Luke and I are blessed.

Once again I find myself struggling with my spiritual journey. I have finally begun to acknowledge that I am running on empty. I have been so busy lately that it has taken awhile for me to finally see that I have overdrawn on my "faith account" because I have not been making any deposits! I am the classic example of someone who can get so caught up in the "doing" that I can completely forget about the "being"-- as long as I'm "doing" churchy things, then I must be deepening my walk. This is simply a lie.

Tonight I was blessed to hear something that I needed to hear... Thanks, God, for speaking to me through the message of a godly woman. She reminded me of a very important thing....

I have been wondering what my purpose was as far as how God wanted to use me or what He wanted me to do in life. Surely there had to be more than being a stay-at-home mom living in isolated domestic bliss! What do you want from me, Lord?! Tell me! Tell me!

He did tell me-- and all of us:

Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." John 6:29

It is so simple that it is profound! God wants me to stop trying to chart out the future and to focus on Jesus only-- BELIEVE! I had been trying to put the proverbial cart before the horse. For some reason, I had fooled myself into thinking that I was fulfilling the will of God by "doing" instead of allowing my heart to be totally taken with believing in Him, and trusting that He would lead me where He wanted me to be in His own time. It is only in first believing in Him, and being changed by all that encompasses, that we are even able to begin to comprehend what He might have in store for us. It is also the overwhelming nature of our belief and our faith which motivates us to do those works that "He has prepared us in advance to do." It has to be in that order-- or our motivations are not pure. I had lost sight of that.... I pray that I will be more aware of it-- my tendencies to focus on the spiritual "externals" instead of the internals.

I also feel like I have had a minor break through in my thinking on the Holy Spirit. I have always been stumped by the concept of Him. How does He work in our lives today? Am I truly living a life in the Spirit-- by His power? If not, why?..... Anyway, I have also been in many late night talks about why He seems to have worked differently amongst the disciples in the first century than He does today-- at least, if He still does, I have never witnessed it firsthand-- although I have heard many reports-- even from within my own family. I have never seen someone healed on the spot, raised from the dead, or seen someone prophecy.

So-- I have been reading a book that mentioned that throughout Scripture God would pour out His Spirit on people for a specific time or task-- like Gideon, Samson, David, Elijah, Elisha-- He allowed them to participate in miracles that demonstrated His power to a lost world. Then, when Jesus came and died, we were able to access the Spirit once and for all time-- He came to dwell in us. I had never thought about John 20:22 before-- when a resurrected Christ returns to reveal himself to a sad, defeated bunch of His terrified disciples:

And with that he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit."

Is this the first sign of the new indwelling Spirit-- the Comforter that Christ had promised?! It is all so deep for me to ponder, but-- at least I have had some new thoughts on it.

It is the Spirit who allows us to move beyond the "doing" and to truly live in the power of "being" what God has called us to be!

I also have to pass on this tidbit that I picked up from John York at church on Sunday-- I had NEVER EVER thought of this before!! (Excuse my poor attempt to summarize your sermon, John!) He had proposed that for all of time, humans have sought to differentiate themselves from each other-- Cain and Able, Northside Church of Christ and First Baptist Church, etc. He said that the Tower of Babel is the perfect example of that differentiation. They were arrogantly trying to establish themselves as on par with God, and He chose to show them that they were sadly mistaken. BUT-- when God's perfect plan of reconciliation began to further unfold at Pentecost, there was a complete reversal.... Now instead of many languages and confusion, there was one message of truth understood by all! Pentecost was the flip side of the Babel coin! God's perfect timing and plan revealed! Or, as the man I was sitting next to exclaimed, "The Tower of Babel was all about the mouth-- Pentecost was all about the ears!" Neat thoughts! Ponder that for awhile! Thanks, John!

Well-- thanks for reading my midnight thoughts! I must sleep! :)

Scott and I at Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas.

What happens in Vegas...!

Scott and I just returned from a getaway trip to Vegas! I had never been before, and I'm not really the gambling type-- but we had fun! He even taught me the fine art of craps at 1:00 a.m.! I actually learned the basic tenants and even took a turn and throwing the dice! We made $400! VERY fun! (sorry to those of you who are offended at my wild streak!) We also got to see Ray Romano (Everybody Loves Raymond) do his stand up act. He was very funny and talked a lot about his wife and family.

It was so nice to get away and to spend time with each other-- without Luke! As much as we love him, we are realizing that taking time out for the two of us is VITAL! We had reached a point where life had gotten consumed with appointments, trips, schedules, etc! We had stopped connecting and had started to feel like roommates united in a common cause to raise Luke. This in itself is probably not all bad-- but, we realized that we were missing out on the wonderful relationship we had always enjoyed together.

So-- getting away was nice! We left Luke with Mom and Dad and didn't fret over him for one second! That is such a blessing just to know that he is safe, loved, and completely oblivious to the fact that Ma Ma and Da Da are lying by the pool at Caesars Palace!!! Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Our 10th anniversary is in a couple of weeks! CRAZY! In some ways it seems like yesterday when we were walking down the aisle-- in other ways it seems like ions ago! I am SO blessed to be with such an amazing man.

The past year has been an interesting time of adjustment for us, our changing relationship, our new roles as parents-- but for me, I think it has been especially hard trying to balance the role of "wife and mother". The mother part has come easy for me-- mostly thanks to Luke being such a perfect, easy-going kid and an awesome, loving husband. But-- the wife part has left me sadly lacking I am ashamed to say. I often find myself being less than loving and supportive at the end of the day-- mainly I assume because I have spent the entire day pouring out my love, energy, and emotions on Luke... I just don't leave any thing for Scott! At least I recognize it, and I vow to work on it!!! Thankfully, Scott is patient, too!

Our little daredevil! Luke was an angel on the trip! He remained flexible and easy-going even though he had to be dragged around all week! He is such a GREAT kid! What a sweetie!

The ZOE Crew at this year's Pepperdine Lectures.

Pepperdine 2005

Covering the Gamut...

What a GREAT week-- but different than the other years! We got home from our annual Pepperdine trip late Sunday night. My parents and my little sister accompanied us on the trip this year.

The lectures were really good-- our class with Mike went well, and I actually got to sit in on several of the other wonderful classes-- Yes, I am a lecture geek! I enjoy it! My favorite was Rick Atchley's class with Dave Stone, minister at the Southeast Christian Church in Louisville. Their talks were first rate! They have both been gifted by the Lord! They spoke such truth.

Being in Ken Star's session was also interesting-- he is such a lawyer nerd, but amazingly smart and funny-- which surprised me, because that part of his personality NEVER came across through the media.

No major star sightings this year-- we ate Mexican with Pierce Brosnan and family-- and the lead singer of Incubus (whoever he is?!).

We also had a VERY late into the night conversation with my parents, my sister and my hometown preacher (Paris, TN) which covered the gamut of most of the C of C baggage that you could ever think of.... my parents reluctance to broaden their views on "Christian", instrumental music, the first day of the week Lord's Supper, the issue of baptism-- specifically over if it is necessary for salvation, i.e. is that the point at which you receive the Holy Spirit and the forgiveness of your sins, or did that happen on the cross-- etc. etc. etc. -- If you could only have been there for that one folks!!! Isn't it amazing how little we actually discuss our faith with our own immediate family?! Well-- I guess that's not totally true for my side of the family! Seems like we are always staying up late to debate! I think my parents are still a tad in denial over some of their closed-mindedness-- they just can't give up the "glory days of the church", and they aren't much on all the change they see happening-- can't say that I blame them for being sentimental-- just as I am sure I am a tad too open-minded, opinionated, and vain about my own views-- which I am sure I am wrong about on some points!!! Anyway-- they have come a LONG LONG way, and it is nice to see and hear-- even if it is 1:00 a.m. As for me? I am still on the journey myself.

Before coming home, we visited the Reagan Library. It was nice. So odd to be walking through a timeline of someone's life--- his baby photo and announcement in the local paper, his elementary yearbook, the actual restaurant booth where he proposed to Nancy, a display of handwritten love letters and notes he had penned for her, the wedding suit Nancy wore, a concrete remnant from the backyard of their first home where they had carved their initials... Hundreds and thousands of bits and pieces and trinkets which comprised his life. It made me stop and think about what would be in my "museum" when all is said and done.

Here is Amy with the ugly glasses she had to wear during middle school to correct the lazy eye problem she had; the actual clarinet she played in the band; basketball jersey with #32 which she wore for the Mayfield Middle School Cardinals-- (although she might have been #33-- she and her best friend Stacie always mixed up their jerseys, so they never really knew who was which by the end of the season); photo of Amy and her high school sweetheart Lance; her senior portrait with the BIG 80's hair; Her graduation program from Lipscomb; hundreds of books from her days as an English teacher; Photos of her with Scott-- their engagement at the horse farm, their wedding; thousands of photos of their son Luke.....

I can't really begin to imagine what would go behind the glass after that.... makes my head hurt! Life is so funny-- it all comes down to old stuff, faded photos, and snippets of memories.... Gather ye rosebuds while you may-- or at least the digital photo files! Praise the Lord, that there is more to this life than what we make it of it here on earth!

So great to run into so many bloggers out at Pepperdine! What a neat group of people! Keep on blogging!

Scott, Luke, and Me-- New Arrivals Day, April 2005.

You were, You are, and You will always be

Aside from coming down with a cold on Saturday, this week was much calmer for us! I didn't feel like I had a million things to do, places to go, and people to see... It was nice! We didn't even have one thing on our agenda for the weekend! I really love when that happens!

Well, the 9th ZOE conference CD is finished as of last Saturday! Yippee! Our last day in the studio proved to be our most daunting though-- of course! We had saved "You Were There"-- a powerful song that Avalon recorded (The Creed, www.avalonlive.com)-- to finish up with... It was a pretty diffucult arrangement, and that one song took us 5 hours to complete! I'm not sure that is a ZOE record, but it has to be close. It was really hard! We must have sung it through a hundred times! I think it is going to be awesome though once the solos are laid down and it is mixed. The words to the song are just so meaningful and strong and true:

I wonder how it must have felt
When David stood to face Goliath on a hill
I imagine that he shook with all his might
Until You took his hand, and held on tight
'Cause You were there, You were there
In the midst of danger's snare
You were there, You were there always
You were there when the hardest fight
Seemed so out of reach
Oh, You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So there he stood upon that hill
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans
And just in time, You brought a lamb
'Cause You were there,
You were there
In the midst of the unclear
You were there, you were there always
You were there when obedience
Seemed to not make sense
You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So haven't I learned that my ways
Aren't as high as Yours are
And You alone keep the universe
From crumbling into dust
You are God and though we would
Not have understood You
There You were

Hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
Just all makes sense
With Your last breath
You were there, You were there
During darkest hour
You were there, You were there always

You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one

You were, You are and You will always be the Risen Lamb of God
You were, You are and You will always be the Risen Lamb of God

It is crazy when we go into the studio and cut 13 songs over a month and half that you actually forget what you recorded! I sat down at the piano this weekend and pulled out the music from my notebook. As I began to play through the songs, I realized that there are some GOOD songs on this one. I pray that they will touch many lives. They have already touched mine....

ZOE is off to Pepperdine next week! One of our most fun trips of the year! This year will be a tad different... Sheryl-- our AMAZING soprano (Brandon's wife)-- isn't coming since little Sam is so close to making his debut. Jason-- our AMAZING tenor and comic relief-- isn't coming since he is getting married in July and needs the vacation time for his honeymoon. And, the group isn't staying for the Friday class (Mike Cope) this year. So-- it will be a little different, but still an awesome week I'm sure. We have two incredible subs that sound GREAT! We are so fortunate to have so many great singers to pull from in Nashville. These two are like family to us anyway, and they will fit right in. I am really looking forward to it! Can't wait to see Luke at the beach this year! Hard to believe he turned 3 MONTHS-OLD at Pepperdine last year! He is SO big now! I think he will be so fun, if he survives the plane ride out!

I'm posting our family photo from New Arrivals Day a few weeks back. It turned out well!

God, help us to constantly remember that You are there-- even when we don't feel Your presence. In spite of our unreliable emotions and "feelings"-- You were, You are, and You will ALWAYS be our Lamb who came to save us! THANK YOU, Father!

Real Estate vs. REAL

Luke is back to his normal, happy self after several days of grumpiness-- He just wasn't feeling like himself and was battling the same stomach issues that he fought off last month. It wasn't as bad this time-- no vomit, etc. So-- times like that make me REALLY appreciate what a truly good kid he is. If he were a grump all the time, I would be, too!

He is just so much fun. He is getting smarter and smarter each day. Every day he does something that astonishes me and makes me smile. I will point to a car and say "vroom vroom" and he will say "car" and then mimic my "vroom" sound-- and I think-- "How does he know to do that?!" He also has Scott's sly, mischievous side to him. He will do something he knows he's not supposed to and then look up at you with those gorgeous blue eyes and a half-grin... it is so hard for me not to laugh when I am trying to teach him a valuable lesson in self-discipline! :)

Scott has been gone all week to the Ritz in Orlando-- rough life!! I was going to go, but I have ZOE commitments this weekend-- oh well! Poor me! I am actually looking forward to another weekend in the studio. We are only 3 songs away from being done! I have to say-- I really love this CD. I think it has a completely different feel from our last few, but I can't really say how or why... I just like it. I also love hanging with the gang. What an awesome group of people! LOVE THEM! Bring on the Pringles!

The neurotic side of me has been working over time the past few weeks... I confess that I think I have gotten a little stuck in the "Keeping Up with the Joneses" mire. Several of our friends have bought new homes or land to build new homes on... and that started me on a search for the perfect piece of property for us. Well, we actually have an extremely nice home already, and I do feel so blessed and I love it! BUT (isn't there always a "but" somewhere!?)-- one of my downfalls has now become home decor. I love thinking about new layouts, paint colors, fabric, etc. I get excited thinking about the possibility of getting/building a new house just because I think it would be fun! We probably will want to find another place with a bigger yard as Luke grows... but that will probably be at least a couple of more years... Which means my spending hours online at "realtor.com" was not exactly needed-- neither was my cruising of neighborhoods as Luke slept in the carseat! I am so bad about getting focused on a "mission"-- I don't want to do anything else until it is accomplished. I get impatient and want to make it happen right now!

After coming home and telling Scott about a perfect home that I found for us, he looked at the price, and then proceeded to tell me that we weren't ready to move just yet. He reminded me off what a great place we already have and how blessed we are. He's right. House hunting will have to wait-- although I have talked him into looking at two lots for sale this weekend! :)

We really do have more than MANY and I am blessed. I am so thankful to be able to stay with Luke and to have a beautiful home. This morning I think God was speaking to me-- I was watching Joyce Meyer while Luke was eating his breakfast. She was speaking from James and she said that when we run around impatiently, not trusting that God has a plan for us, it shows spiritual immaturity. That is so true-- I am spiritually immature, and I have such a long way to go! I need to just trust that we will be and live where we need to be and live-- regardless of whether I check the new MLS postings each day. I have some work to do on myself! Instead of "real estate", I just need to get REAL about my walk!!

Lord, teach me not to love this world and its trappings so much! You have blessed me over and above what I deserve! Let me live in the happiness You have blessed me with and be content. Content to be Your child and to know Your love. And-- thanks for my adorable son and amazing husband!! AMEN!

Just a swingin' with my buddy!

Luke and I on New Arrivals Sunday, April 10, 2005.

Me and my buddy, Jason. We "fight" over which parts the tenors and altos will sing-- who will get the best notes!

ZOE Girls! My sweet friends-- Sheryl, Melissa, Me, and Karin.

ZOE in the studio-- April 2005

Luke and Scott on the way into church yesterday, April 3rd, 2005.

Zoe, Zones, and Kingdom Work

Luke turned 14 months-old yesterday! He is getting SO big! Today I went to get him out of his crib after his nap-- he is always so happy and cuddly when he wakes up--- and the moment just kind of hit me... just what a great kid he is and how much fun I have being with him each day. He really is a joy and such fun to be around. I love seeing how his mind is able to process more complex ideas and concepts-- such as, now he will pick up his shoes and try to put them on his feet; he knows that that is where they belong and where mommy puts them every day. When he picks up a hairbrush, he will start brushing his hair, etc. He is a very good "mimic", too. I love showing him an object, telling him what it is called, and then seeing if he can say it back. Today he had one of my bracelets in his hand, and I think he actually said "bracelet"!!! At least that's what it sounded like he said! :) Anyway-- I am one proud Mommy! He is the best!

Last weekend in the studio was great! We knocked out 4 more songs which means we are 2/3 of the way through with this project. I still think this will be one of my favorites. Everything just seems to be clicking, and we have some very powerful songs-- several originals! I think my favorite right now would be "Mighty is the Power of the Cross". The words are SO great! Anyway-- can't wait to hear the mixed CD-- after Chris and Josh (our wonderful engineers this year) take all our rough stuff and work their magic! I think this will be the best sounding CD we have ever done as far as production quality. I'm excited! We are SO blessed to be able to use the Bennett House this year. Thanks, Ken! I'll post a few shots of us in the studio.

So-- I am doing well on my pursuit of hospitality!! This week I took the names and addresses of 60 couples at Woodmont who are affiliated with our Marriage Builders class and plotted their locations on a map. Then, I divided the groups into 6 geographic zones of 8-10 couples each, assigned "host" couples, and-- I'm proud to say that on April 17th, we will all be having our first "Community Zone Dinner" all over the city! It really is a simple, no-brainer concept that I wish we would have done even sooner. It provides the perfect opportunity for people to meet new folks and to see who their church "neighbors" are. I think it will be a great success. I have also formed a "supper club" of sorts with two neighbor couples of ours. Together, we are going to invite new couples over each weekend for dinner. We are on this weekend for Friday night. We are also going out with several couples on Thursday night to a charity catfish dinner, and on Saturday, we have a wedding shower for two of my former students who are getting married! This Sunday is also new arrivals day at Woodmont. Our whole family will be there to see Luke get his Bible and his blessing and then come back to our place for lunch. Whew! Busy weekend, but fun!

It is a wonderful irony of sorts, that the more you give of yourself-- no matter how busy you are or "think" you are-- the more you get back. It is how God designed it to be. When we trust Him enough to simply be about the Kingdom work of loving others, He always makes sure that things turn out how they should and that our hearts are filled. He is good.