Ignorantly in the Middle of It All

Yesterday Luke turned 13 months-old.... It seems so predictable and somewhat contrived to say, yet again, how fast the past 13 months have gone.... but it is so true. 13 months ago I had no concept of motherhood, no real concept of selflessness, of sacrifice.... I have learned so much through the experience of him entering into my life.

What is so hard to fathom is that one day I will be thinking those same thoughts, yet he will be on the verge of graduating high school, or getting married, or having his own child--- and to me it will probably still seem like it was just a blink back to when he was first learning to walk and to speak.

Time itself is such an interesting proposition-- after reading Slaughterhouse 5 (Kurt Vonnegut) in high school, I have always pondered "time"-- the amazing concept that it is perceived as chronological to us: one second followed by another second, by another minute, by another day, week, month, etc... But, really time is a much bigger construct than that-- so big that I am sure we can't even grasp it with our human minds. Some day I will have to ask God to reveal His whole thought process behind coming up with our concept of time. Meanwhile, I am doing my best to appreciate each second of it and to treasure the days I have with my wonderful husband and son.

As my life with Luke is going so well and is so joyful, my heart goes out to the Shaub and Griffith families. These families are spending their days kneeling beside hospital beds, watching their precious sons struggle to regain strength and spirit-- while trying to maintain theirs as well. I think about the Cope family and all that they have been through before and recently with their children.... I can't even imagine having to see Luke in a state like that-- I am not sure that I would have the strength or faith that these families continue to display. It is truly amazing.

Life is so bewilderingly overwhelming and indescribable most of the time! When I was younger I would sit around and philosophize about it-- trying to come up with answers to so many questions... Now I think I just sit around amazed.... no answers-- not even too many questions anymore-- I just observe and analyze my reactions to it-- and the reactions of others. It is just so interesting. Nothing stays the same for long-- Most everything is different than it is actually perceived-- Pain is just a pathway to learning and enlightenment-- Happiness is a choice not an event that we create-- Love is a fragile gift from above that can be terribly neglected, forgotten, or misused, but can also be the very reason for living.

Such are the crazy thoughts rambling around in my head-- I just put Luke in his crib for a nap and had to sit down and write. One day I will read this again and smile at how little I really knew about time, pain, life, and love-- but for now, I am content to sit ignorantly in the middle of it all-- to be amazed, to be thankful, and to be here, in this place, at this time, with these people who surround me, love me, and offer me a "life" to be lived and celebrated.

Thank you, Lord.