Thoughts on Loss and Love

I know all of you have been deeply touched and affected by the haunting images of the Katrina victims. It seems like such an overwhelming tragedy-- you want to help, but you aren't even sure where to begin.... Luke and I went by Target today and picked up supplies which will be taken down this afternoon by a local church to another church in Jackson, Mississippi to be distributed. At least I felt like I was doing something to help.

As I loaded up boxes of diapers, sheets, food....-- it just struck me how VERY blessed we are. Buying those items was no real sacrifice for us. We have been so fortunate and this small gesture doesn't even seem like much. How can we not help when we have a hot meal to eat together tonight in our comfortable home and cozy beds to sink into when we turn out the lights?! I can't even begin to fathom how those people are coping... it truly does break your heart. I am praying that God will use us in even bigger ways in the near future to help out in any way we can. This is definitely not a cause that will be over in a matter of weeks.

I am almost finished with Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller-- what an interesting read. I have really enjoyed his insights on faith. Last night's chapter was "How to Really Love People." It was a great take on how we tend to only relate to people in economic terms. He started by showing us an example with cancer. When you ask people to use metaphors relating to cancer they more than not respond with "we battle cancer", "we fight cancer", "we defeat cancer", etc.-- all terms that have overtones of battle/war. Doctors say that this has a negative effect on cancer patients-- that it stresses them out and puts a lot of pressure on them when they see it as an enemy to be fought in a life and death battle. Then he moved on to our personal relationships and noted that our metaphors there follow a similar pattern-- not battle, but economic-driven-- "we value people", "people are priceless", "we avoid emotionally bankrupt relationships", "we invest in people's lives", etc. Miller comments:

And that's when it hit me like so much epiphany getting dislodged from my arteries. The problem with the Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money.... If somebody is doing for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity, or what have you, we feel they are priceless.... With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did. [We] used love like money, but love doesn't work like money. It is not a commodity. When we barter with it, we lose. Blue Like Jazz, pg. 218

I am sure that I have treated relationships in my life that way. It is so easy to reduce them to "How will this person benefit me?" or "Are they worth the investment of my time and energy?". That is very hard to admit/confess-- but so often true.

Miller goes on to share-- "Nobody will listen to you unless they sense that you like them. If a person senses that you do not like them, that you do not approve of their existence, then your religion and your political ideas will all seem wrong to them. If they sense that you like them, then they are open to what you have to say." BLJ, pg. 220

When we never allow ourselves to truly open up and love people-- we are the real losers. We are missing out on so much. Everyone has a beautiful story to share and things that we can learn from...

I am starting to see that my religious and political views don't really matter all that much in the scheme of things and that there is an entire world of people out there who need to be loved-- regardless of their views and perspectives on the world. It is too easy to surround myself with people who like me and think like me. Jesus called us to more than that. I think it is finally dawning on me that this is really at the heart of what it means to be "missional". It is getting outside of yourself just long enough to realize that people matter because they matter to Him. It isn't my job to change people-- it is my job to show everyone the love of Christ.

I sincerely pray that God will open my eyes and show me ways to LOVE people.

Blue Like Jazz

Last night I was so blessed to hear an incredible speaker named Donald Miller. Two years ago he wrote a book called Blue Like Jazz which really took off among believers as well as non-believers. He presents an amazingly real view of Christianity. He doesn't profess to be any sort of preacher-- just a "man in the pew" like the rest of us.

His talk last night was "Romeo, Juliet, and Jesus". I can't count how many times I have taught this play to students-- some like it, some don't. But, last night, I was shown a side of the story that I had NEVER considered-- that the entire story mirrors our relationship with Christ. We are the Romeo who has no power to change our name or nature apart from Juliet (Christ). Then and only then can we be "newly baptized" and share in a real relationship with Him. I can't do the entire talk justice-- but it truly was eye-opening for me. At the end, he showed a clip from Baz Lurhmann's remake of the film with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. He pointed out that surprisingly, Baz made Biblical/spiritual references throughout the movie-- with a cross in almost every scene. And in the final death scene, he stages it in a church, with Juliet (Christ) laid out as a sacrifice on an altar. Romeo must walk down the aisle and then join Juliet in Death, then Lurhmann pans out to show that Romeo and Juliet are lying within a huge cross made from thousands of candles. - much like Paul talks about us dying with Christ to rise again in a new relationship with Him.

Another great point that he made was how our Americanized culture has stripped the power of the gospel--- that as good consumers, we are always on the look out for the miracle product that will change our life and bring us happiness and fulfillment.... and that we have done the same with Jesus. We want a 5 step plan on how to have a relationship with him that we can easily implement and that, if pursued correctly, will bring us the fulfillment we long for.... He says that it is a complete distortion of Christ's message. That if it were some type of formula, Jesus would have laid it out for us in scripture-- He didn't... Instead he presented everything in terms of relationship metaphors-- Father to child, Shepherd to sheep, King to servant, etc.

Miller's bottom line point was that the very nature of finding Christ resides in that relationship and NOTHING else.... that our "Age of Enlightenment" mentality has robbed us from seeing the amazing beauty of the love relationship He wants to have with each of us-- that we have lost the artistry and beauty of the story, and we have tried to reduce it to something we can prove or measure. He argues that it cannot be done-- which is so hard to accept in our "see it to believe it" world. He says it is simply a beautiful mystery which cannot be explained any more than you can walk up to a blackboard and define the steps it takes for a man and woman to fall in love.

A great example he gave of how our logical minds hear and interpret Christ-- When we read Jesus' claim that we must reject mother and father, etc. to follow Him, we think, "That is so harsh! He was such a by the book kind of guy. How can I ever do that?" But when we read Shakespeare's Juliet say to Romeo deny thy father and reject your family, we think, "Oh how beautiful! What a love story!" We need to reorient our view of Christ in relationship terms so that we don't miss out on the amazing obsession and love He has for us.

Anyway-- it was a SUPER talk that I wish all of you could have heard! It really made me think, and I went home and read half of Blue Like Jazz last night!

I thrive on people who can challenge me to see things in a way I have never thought of, and Miller did just that!

Check out his site for some excerpts from his books!

http://www.bluelikejazz.com/

Making Memories in Destin

We had a great time in Destin.

It was fun watching Luke experience the ocean for the first time.

Luke wasn't sure if he liked the sand on his feet or not! He kept wanting us to get it off!

Mommy and Luke at the beach.

Sunset in Destin!

Luke enjoyed being in the ocean-- he just didn't like to be on the water's edge when the water hit the sand.

Up the Down Staircase

This Sunday, Scott, Luke and I leave for a big family vacation in Destin-- my Mom and Dad, my Aunt, my two sisters, and niece and nephew! Over the past several years, our family has taken trips together-- mostly our West-- to Yellowstone and Glacier. This is the first time we have ever headed to the beach-- much to my youngest sister's delight!

Luke continues to teach me new things about the world and life each day. He is getting very independent lately as far as his mobility. He weighs around 30 lbs. now, so I am more than happy for him to walk everywhere that he chooses, as long as he holds my hand when necessary. One of his favorite jaunts is from our car, inside the Y, to the nursery, and back every morning. He will proudly hold my hand and stroll in the front door, greeting Miss Erin and Mr. Michael each day as they scan our card and say hello to him. Then we head to the double staircase which leads us down to the nursery. I am still amazed at how his walking skills have progressed just over the past few months. Now he can easily hold the railings and maneuver his way down the stairs, slowly but surely.

His persistent stair climbing always draws thoughtful comments and smiles, whether he is going up or down. Perhaps this is because everyone must wait on him or step around him in order to use the stairs themselves! Everyone is sweet and patient with him.

Wednesday, we were headed up the stairs from the nursery. As I was encouraging him with, "Good job, Luke!", "What a big boy you are!", I noticed a precious elderly woman coming down the stairs on the opposite side of the railing. She looked over at Luke and smiled. It occurred to me at that moment what an irony this all was... Luke was trying with all his might to get up the stairs as she was now trying with all her might to get down the stairs... It was a whole "circle of life" realization that at some point, time kind of reverses itself and we all become "young" and helpless again-- just as we started out in the world.

Luke and I spent Tuesday night with our small group (Scott was in Denver). One of the couples in our group is moving to Knoxville this weekend-- he will start law school there in a week. This was a "going away party" of sorts. Their little boy is 6 months older than Luke. We all hate to see them go, but at the same time, we are excited for them. Change is an inevitable part of life, no doubt, but sometimes it is easier than others.

I have never been good at change. I have openly admitted that for several years now, but that hasn't made the changes I have faced--and am currently facing-- any easier, most of the time. As I am growing older, I am realizing many things about myself-- I am especially weird about some things. I think I analyze life and the world more than most-- this is both good and bad. For example, I have always questioned the church "baggage" that I grew up hearing and being taught, wondering why it was so easy for most people to come to church every week, sit on a pew, and NEVER question things! It seemed as if they chose to live in ignorant bliss. They surely never sat up all night debating a particular part of Scripture or wondering why things were the way they were! They just lived life and enjoyed the time they had... I always had to make things more complicated for myself. But, now, maybe I see that they all probably had those questioning moments in life, but they lived through them, survived them, and chose NOT to make their lives more complicated than necessary! Maybe bliss isn't ignorance after all, but instead it is "release". I need to remember to release all my concerns, frustrations, and questions to God and let Him handle it! When I don't, I am showing a lack of faith and a pathetic reliance on myself instead of Him.

So-- I trust that in "My Summer of Spiritual Discontent" that God will ultimately make all things clear to me, and He will bring me peace about the changes in my life.

Scott competed in his first triathlon on Saturday, July 30th.
He did well and met his goal! He and Luke celebrated at the finish line!

Luke and Mommy on the 4th of July!

I've Seen Fire and I've Seen Rain....

Well-- I can't believe that it has been so long since I last posted! This is a record I am not proud to have set!

There aren't really any good excuses for it. Perhaps there has been so much going on in my world that is simply not good "blog fodder".... Things that are just too intimate to splash around for all to see. Some of those things are extremely wonderful and joyful-- some aren't.

I honestly haven't had the time-- or maybe it's the energy--- to spend on pondering deep spiritual principles or to even begin to think about posting them out here in blog land! I hope that I can write about all the stuff that is happening one day soon-- maybe after everything has been resolved. I hope that comes quickly!!

Beyond that-- life has been good! Our dear ZOE tenor Jason was married a couple of weeks ago! It was a beautiful wedding! Another wonderful ZOE milestone!

Luke is 18 months old today! He is still a great kid, but he is definitely starting to push those limits! He isn't good about sitting still or obeying yet! He just wants to run around and do as he pleases! He has no concept of patience either! Add to his new attitude the complexity of transitioning into a new nap schedule-- and life is interesting! :) He is still a sweetie, though!

It's hard to believe that August is already here! Why does time speed up as we age?!

Scott and I went to a James Taylor concert Sunday night. What a place to people watch! We had grass seats. As I looked around at the sea of young-- and old-- lovebirds, it struck me just how much time had gone by since Scott and I first went to see James Taylor in 1992. We had only been dating a month-- our relationship was so new! We were SO "in love"! We reveled in the summer night and had no clue what the years ahead had in store for us!

Now as we sat and listened to the same songs, on the same grass-- life had taken such a different turn! We weren't so much the infatuated lovebird-type-- maybe more the loving, mature married couple with an 18 month-old! At one point, we were forced to move our blanket to escape the smoke clouds from three teenaged boys who had plopped down next to us.... We ended up behind a couple who were probably in their early 40s. A few songs later, I couldn't help but notice that they hadn't even spoken one word to each other, and the distance between them, even on their tiny quilt, couldn't have been greater. From my outside observation, it really seemed sad. How could they be at a concert like this, with JT singing "How Sweet it Is to be Loved By You?" and act so indifferently towards one another?! Why did they even come? Then it hit me that I NEVER EVER want to be in a place like that in my marriage! I want to do whatever it takes to rediscover and never lose sight of our inner-"lovebirds" and to remember that passion that we shared back in '92!

Scott and I laid back on our little quilt, with our funnel-cake, and felt happy that we were still in love and so blessed to have such a wonderful family!

I wonder if JT will be touring when Luke is a teen? It would be fun to take him! :)

Happy 10th anniversary to us! In front of the Atlantis hotel in the Bahamas.

Paradise Island, the Bahamas.

This Pop Quiz We Call Life

Scott and I returned Monday night from our tenth anniversary getaway. The hotel was great-- the aquarium displays were truly amazing-- food was REALLY expensive though.

June is the beginning of the rainy season there, and it did rain quite a bit in the afternoons, but there was still enough sun for us both to get sufficiently burned our first day out. The beach was just the best! The water was crystal clear and tropical fish were everywhere swimming right by us-- no need for a snorkel!

The best part of the trip was the time we had to reconnect-- to talk about our marriage and to set goals for the future. Like I have discussed many times before-- it is so easy to fall into the "roommate" trap as a couple-- which is the point where your relationship becomes all about the facts and practical aspects of life and less about the passion and purpose that keeps you together. We agreed that we should cut each other some slack since having a child definitely has an effect on the overall relationship-- especially in the beginning. We are glad that we are able to discuss things openly and that we realize we need to be aware of how important our marriage is. So-- weekend getaways are a very good thing! Thanks to my Mom and Dad for watching Luke for us!

Luke was very happy to see us return! It is crazy to me how he looks so much older than he did just a mere 5 days earlier when I dropped him off! He is definitely a little "spoiled" after being with the grandparents. Maybe spoiled isn't the right word, but he is just "whinny"-- he doesn't like being told "no" and he wants to be the center of attention. Hopefully he will fall back into his old self soon and start sleeping until 8 am again-- for some reason he started getting up an hour or so earlier while we were gone.

As far my return to the real world-- there is much going on at church with our Sunday school class-- some good, some bad. It amazes me how adults can always so easily revert back to a state of "high school drama"-- (I include myself in that category). I have continued to be struck by how very differently people can view the world even though you would think we are all looking out the same window. Not a chance! Some people see a vast frontier yet to be conquered, some see a desert wasteland not worth pursuing, some look past the sand and see an oasis, some can't see anything because they can't stop focusing on the patterns on the curtains!! My problem is that I can't seem to determine which category I fall into on this one! I fear that I am ready to jump out of the window or at least I want to shut it and pray for God to point me to the door-- or at least another window!!!

One thought has struck me-- why are some so desperate to find a formula for faith? It seems like so many of us are more than ready to follow blindly anyone who makes spiritual sense and seems to have a faith of their own. Do we think that we can share in that faith if we become "good students of the teacher" and start to think the same way and hold to the same views? It's like we want someone to say, "Here is how you find God and a real relationship with Him in three easy steps." Sign me up! I like to follow directions and be involved with something where I can see real, tangible results-- and I can measure my progress-- and yours-- along the way. Somehow, I think Jesus came to show us that there are no formulas, only the form of a cross. Lord, please help me to open my eyes to how easily I have let this happen in my own life. Help me to mature in my own walk and to put my trust in you alone-- not in any person or Bible study.

Another side to all of this is how desperate we have become to find "community" in a world that has become increasingly more isolated. Few dare to venture outside their homes except to take out the trash or mow the lawn. We rely on our internet, TV, and the pizza delivery man! We don't have the time to cultivate meaningful relationships with others-- we are always trying to recover from the rush and hassles of our own lives, so when we have a few moments of unspoken for time, we want to retreat into our homes and enjoy the silence and seclusion. So, when we do manage to drag ourselves to church on Sunday, we expect the people there to be our "community" and to make up for all that we have been missing the other six days of our isolated week. We soon find that a few hours on Sunday is a hard way to develop those deep ties-- we soon find that the church is so large that no one really notices if we show up or not (and we can always watch the sermon online anyway!). We begin to wonder why we don't fit in and why we don't belong, why we aren't needed, and why everyone else seems to have their lives together except us, and we get angry and frustrated that we can't figure out how to obtain that community that seems to be out of our reach..... Church becomes more of a country club with cliques and rules and social hierarchies..... and some decide that they no longer see the benefit of paying their weekly dues-- and really, the church down the street seems to have a better atmosphere and perks as of late anyway.

How did Jesus define "church"?

Yikes! Didn't mean to ramble on! It's late. Scott's in Denver, and I have more questions than answers lately! Such is life! One stage after another where you continue to realize that just when you think you might have started to answer the question, you realize the question has changed, you are living in a "post" something or another world, and that you have NO idea why you ever thought you had the slightest inkling of knowledge on that subject or any other one for that matter!!! :)

That is when you have to slow down (stop typing!), take a deep breath, and remind yourself that Jesus is THE only Answer needed for this pop quiz we call "life."

Our 10th Anniversary - June 10, 2005

Lightning never strikes twice-- but 10 times!

Scott and I celebrated our 10th anniversary on Friday! I can't believe it! TEN YEARS!

Scott brought me flowers and surprised me with a diamond cross necklace! Very pretty! Then, we went to Fleming's for a nice romantic dinner! We are also headed to the Bahamas this Friday for an amazing getaway to the Atlantis resort! It will be a second honeymoon of sorts! We are VERY excited about this trip together to think back over our last 13 years together. (3 dating!)

Who can sum up 10 years in a few words? Thought I would share from the journal entry I wrote on June 9, 1995-- the night before our wedding.
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Finally, the night I have been waiting for is here! Actually, it's almost come and gone! I wasn't nervous at all today except for a few brief moments on the way to the church for the rehearsal dinner.... Scott and I didn't get to talk much. You're just too busy to think! I am glad that I am writing about how I'm feeling the night before our wedding! I'm pretty calm and very tired! I hope to get some good sleep tonight- everything is going so fast! It seems like chaos to me, but I guess it's normal!

This is my very last night as "Amy Anderson"-- I wonder what Scott is doing tonight at this moment?.... On the way home from the rehearsal dinner tonight, the sky was filled with lightning over the lake. It was very beautiful. Scott loves lightning. I think that it is very special that it happened tonight, because the first time Scott told me that he loved me, lightning had just struck, and I said, "I love lightning" and then Scott said, "I love you." I was so happy to hear those words because I knew I loved him, too! That was about a month and a half after we started dating! God truly brought us together! I can't wait to take his name tomorrow and start a new life with him! Lord, thank You for this beautifully hectic time!
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The past 10 years with him have been truly blessed! I can't imagine having a better husband or father to our son, Luke. I am looking forward to the next ten years with my best friend!

My Babble and the Flip Side of Babel

Well-- it is almost midnight, and I should have gone to bed a LONG time ago. It is hard to keep a normal schedule when Scott is out of town. I always end up staying up late for some reason.

Having Scott gone makes for LONG days, too. Luke is still a dream-- so fun to be with, but I never underestimate how great it is when "Daddy" comes walking through the door at night. It is just nice to be able to sit back and watch him interact with Luke, or change a diaper, or feed him, or give him a bath. It lets me focus on other things and allows me to have a more objective perspective on things. Scott really is an AMAZING dad. Luke and I are blessed.

Once again I find myself struggling with my spiritual journey. I have finally begun to acknowledge that I am running on empty. I have been so busy lately that it has taken awhile for me to finally see that I have overdrawn on my "faith account" because I have not been making any deposits! I am the classic example of someone who can get so caught up in the "doing" that I can completely forget about the "being"-- as long as I'm "doing" churchy things, then I must be deepening my walk. This is simply a lie.

Tonight I was blessed to hear something that I needed to hear... Thanks, God, for speaking to me through the message of a godly woman. She reminded me of a very important thing....

I have been wondering what my purpose was as far as how God wanted to use me or what He wanted me to do in life. Surely there had to be more than being a stay-at-home mom living in isolated domestic bliss! What do you want from me, Lord?! Tell me! Tell me!

He did tell me-- and all of us:

Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." John 6:29

It is so simple that it is profound! God wants me to stop trying to chart out the future and to focus on Jesus only-- BELIEVE! I had been trying to put the proverbial cart before the horse. For some reason, I had fooled myself into thinking that I was fulfilling the will of God by "doing" instead of allowing my heart to be totally taken with believing in Him, and trusting that He would lead me where He wanted me to be in His own time. It is only in first believing in Him, and being changed by all that encompasses, that we are even able to begin to comprehend what He might have in store for us. It is also the overwhelming nature of our belief and our faith which motivates us to do those works that "He has prepared us in advance to do." It has to be in that order-- or our motivations are not pure. I had lost sight of that.... I pray that I will be more aware of it-- my tendencies to focus on the spiritual "externals" instead of the internals.

I also feel like I have had a minor break through in my thinking on the Holy Spirit. I have always been stumped by the concept of Him. How does He work in our lives today? Am I truly living a life in the Spirit-- by His power? If not, why?..... Anyway, I have also been in many late night talks about why He seems to have worked differently amongst the disciples in the first century than He does today-- at least, if He still does, I have never witnessed it firsthand-- although I have heard many reports-- even from within my own family. I have never seen someone healed on the spot, raised from the dead, or seen someone prophecy.

So-- I have been reading a book that mentioned that throughout Scripture God would pour out His Spirit on people for a specific time or task-- like Gideon, Samson, David, Elijah, Elisha-- He allowed them to participate in miracles that demonstrated His power to a lost world. Then, when Jesus came and died, we were able to access the Spirit once and for all time-- He came to dwell in us. I had never thought about John 20:22 before-- when a resurrected Christ returns to reveal himself to a sad, defeated bunch of His terrified disciples:

And with that he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit."

Is this the first sign of the new indwelling Spirit-- the Comforter that Christ had promised?! It is all so deep for me to ponder, but-- at least I have had some new thoughts on it.

It is the Spirit who allows us to move beyond the "doing" and to truly live in the power of "being" what God has called us to be!

I also have to pass on this tidbit that I picked up from John York at church on Sunday-- I had NEVER EVER thought of this before!! (Excuse my poor attempt to summarize your sermon, John!) He had proposed that for all of time, humans have sought to differentiate themselves from each other-- Cain and Able, Northside Church of Christ and First Baptist Church, etc. He said that the Tower of Babel is the perfect example of that differentiation. They were arrogantly trying to establish themselves as on par with God, and He chose to show them that they were sadly mistaken. BUT-- when God's perfect plan of reconciliation began to further unfold at Pentecost, there was a complete reversal.... Now instead of many languages and confusion, there was one message of truth understood by all! Pentecost was the flip side of the Babel coin! God's perfect timing and plan revealed! Or, as the man I was sitting next to exclaimed, "The Tower of Babel was all about the mouth-- Pentecost was all about the ears!" Neat thoughts! Ponder that for awhile! Thanks, John!

Well-- thanks for reading my midnight thoughts! I must sleep! :)

Scott and I at Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas.

What happens in Vegas...!

Scott and I just returned from a getaway trip to Vegas! I had never been before, and I'm not really the gambling type-- but we had fun! He even taught me the fine art of craps at 1:00 a.m.! I actually learned the basic tenants and even took a turn and throwing the dice! We made $400! VERY fun! (sorry to those of you who are offended at my wild streak!) We also got to see Ray Romano (Everybody Loves Raymond) do his stand up act. He was very funny and talked a lot about his wife and family.

It was so nice to get away and to spend time with each other-- without Luke! As much as we love him, we are realizing that taking time out for the two of us is VITAL! We had reached a point where life had gotten consumed with appointments, trips, schedules, etc! We had stopped connecting and had started to feel like roommates united in a common cause to raise Luke. This in itself is probably not all bad-- but, we realized that we were missing out on the wonderful relationship we had always enjoyed together.

So-- getting away was nice! We left Luke with Mom and Dad and didn't fret over him for one second! That is such a blessing just to know that he is safe, loved, and completely oblivious to the fact that Ma Ma and Da Da are lying by the pool at Caesars Palace!!! Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Our 10th anniversary is in a couple of weeks! CRAZY! In some ways it seems like yesterday when we were walking down the aisle-- in other ways it seems like ions ago! I am SO blessed to be with such an amazing man.

The past year has been an interesting time of adjustment for us, our changing relationship, our new roles as parents-- but for me, I think it has been especially hard trying to balance the role of "wife and mother". The mother part has come easy for me-- mostly thanks to Luke being such a perfect, easy-going kid and an awesome, loving husband. But-- the wife part has left me sadly lacking I am ashamed to say. I often find myself being less than loving and supportive at the end of the day-- mainly I assume because I have spent the entire day pouring out my love, energy, and emotions on Luke... I just don't leave any thing for Scott! At least I recognize it, and I vow to work on it!!! Thankfully, Scott is patient, too!

Our little daredevil! Luke was an angel on the trip! He remained flexible and easy-going even though he had to be dragged around all week! He is such a GREAT kid! What a sweetie!