Ten Years Ago Tonight-- On October 29, 1994, Scott and I were engaged! 

Ten Years Ago...

It was ten years ago tonight that Scott and I were engaged!

Scott had planned a surprise candle passing for me at his fraternity hayride. A "candle passing" is a Lipscomb tradition. When a girl gets engaged she secretly organizes a candle passing at curfew in the lobby of the dorm and all the girls gather. Only she and her closest friends are told about the engagement. Excitement builds all day-- people guessing who it might be. After some songs and scripture reading, a candle with a ring tied to it is passed around in a circle from person to person until the one who has gotten engaged gets it and blows it out. This lets everyone know that she is getting married.

I had already graduated, so I would never have gotten to have one... but, Scott gave me one after all! I just didn't know that when the candle got to me that I would get to be the one to blow it out! Surprise!

We have been married 9 years now, and we feel very blessed to have such a wonderful relationship-- that we can now share with our new son Luke!

Some excerpts from my journal entry that night-- October 29, 1994:

After the hayride, the Social Director told everyone to gather around the fire. He pulled out a candle with gold and garnet-colored (my birthstone!) ribbons on it. He said that one of the members of Tau Phi had something very special that he wanted to do for someone he loved very much. He said this was Tau Phi's first "candle passing"! He started the candle around the fire. I had my arm around Scott, thinking about the day he would ask me to marry him-- and also wondering who the lucky girl might be this night!

When the candle got to me, I looked down at the ring and couldn't believe it! A million different emotions swallowed me! I looked at Scott through the tears in my eyes, "I can't believe you did this!" He got down on one knee and quietly asked, "Amy Beth, will you marry me?" I said. "Yes!" And he got up and we hugged each other tight! I was so overwhelmed-- I still had the candle and someone yelled "Blow out the candle!" So I did. Scott took the candle and untied the ring. My hand was shaking terribly! He slipped the ring on my finger. A perfect fit! I was still in shock! He handed me a huge bouquet of roses, daises, and some type of small garnet-colored lilies that were gorgeous. All of his pledge brothers circled around to congratulate us! He told me he had driven up to my house Wednesday, Oct. 26, to ask my parents....

Scott said he had been nervous all weekend! He's a good actor! I didn't have a clue! He said that he decided that night we talked before he went hiking with his pledge brothers, and told them-- "On our tenth anniversary we'd probably be saying we could've been married eleven years!"

It was the perfect night! I called Mother and Daddy from the horse stable to break the good news! The ring was so gorgeous! Scott and I were finally going to get married!

Happy Fall!

This a photo we had taken last week of our family!

Luke is 8 1/2 months-old.

All Saints Day

Just two weeks left until Luke's first Halloween! He is going to be a chicken! "Just Hatched 2004!"

It is funny because not so very long ago the entire concept of Halloween really bothered me. Let me give a little background--- I taught high school English, American Literature--10th and 11th grade, for 8 years. Part of the territory I covered each year was pieces such as The Scarlet Letter and The Crucible. We had to discuss the early colonies and their attitudes on Satan and witchcraft and the events surrounding the Witch Trials in Salem. It just so happened that every year this unit ended up corresponding with October and Halloween. SO-- inevitably as we discussed witches and the colonists' perceptions of good and evil we would get into the whole Halloween debate. For some reason it just bothered me that the kids so readily dismissed the darker side of what the day actually represents... If you haven't ever pondered the origins of the day-- visit http://www.historychannel.com/exhibits/halloween/holiday_origins1.html

Yes- I know the same pagan claims can be made about Christmas-- not as convincingly perhaps--- But, anyway-- I liked to challenge the kids to think a little beyond the "getting free candy mentality." It always got a good heated debate started! :) They would get extremely fired up at the thought that anything evil could be associated with dressing up-- even as witches and ghosts and monsters-- or wanting to get as much candy as possible! The Bible is very clear about what God thinks of witchcraft in ANY form or guise:

"When you enter the land which the LORD your God gives you, you shall not learn to imitate the detestable things of those nations. "There shall not be found among you anyone who makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire, one who uses divination, one who practices witchcraft, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, or one who casts a spell, or a medium, or a spirits, or one who calls up the dead. "For whoever does these things is detestable to the LORD; and because of these detestable things the LORD your God will drive them out before you. "You shall be blameless before the LORD your God. "For those nations, which you shall dispossess, listen to those who practice witchcraft and to diviners, but as for you, the LORD your God has not allowed you to do so." Deuteronomy 18:9-14

But, the event that truly shook my beliefs about Halloween happened one year when I actually had a student who professed a belief in Wicca-- a religion derived from pre-Christian times, also called Witchcraft. This girl, I'll call her "Jane"-- had always been troubled to say the least... She was introverted yet brash and sometimes cruel in her remarks. This did not make her a class favorite at the more "preppy" and conservative private Christian high school where I taught.

Jane had major family issues-- a father who had left to pursue a life with a younger live-in girlfriend. Her mom suffered major depression as a result and Jane had to witness the misery she lived through each day. So, it wasn't hard to understand how Jane was drawn to Wicca or to anything that she felt could give her answers on how to cope with life. Wicca was also nice for the shock value it brought her. She could annoy her dad and the kids at school-- it was "cool" in her mind to take a completely different path than the rest, and she loved flaunting her new beliefs.

I had a pretty good relationship with Jane. She could confide in me, and she wasn't afraid to discuss her beliefs concerning Wicca with me. This lead to many long talks where I tried my best to listen and to encourage, while at the same time trying to speak truth to Jane about the myth of Wicca. Toward the end I was practically begging her to see how opposed to God and Jesus this "religion" was and how it would only leave her empty and unfulfilled-- not to mention lost.

Jane had become increasingly suicidal at one point. I will never forget the conversation I had with her on one particular day. She came in wanting to talk, so I actually went to my principal-- who was already aware of the situation. He had someone cover my classes for me, and Jane and I went to a quiet, secluded corner of the library to talk. I had again tried to talk to her about Christ and how only in Him could she find the peace and joy she desperately needed in her life. I was trying to explain to her that God was opposed to witches, witchcraft, divination, and that these were not the way to connect with a "higher power" or the way to find meaning in life. She listened, but I never really could convince her at that point that witchcraft was a horrible scam which was tricking her into thinking that she could come up with the answers on her own apart from God's help.

As I left her that day, I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted! We had talked for close to three hours. I walked out of the library and down the now quiet and empty halls of the school. I was just passing the door of the home-ec room when I looked up and saw a whimsical cartoon witch smiling at me. The bitter irony reflected back at me in the toothless grin of that tattered cardboard witch was almost more than I could take. The harmless Halloween decoration seemed to mock everything that I had been trying to share with Jane that day and now seemed horribly out of place and inappropriate in my Christian school.

For the better part of a year this whole dialogue with Jane went on-- and I will not take the time here to explain all that happened both good and bad... But, just to give some closure to Jane's story-- She ultimately did abandon Wicca. She became pregnant before graduation. I think the sobering reality of motherhood pushed her toward real truth and faith.

I haven't seen Jane in awhile, but now every year when the pumpkins and goblins and witches come out- I think of her and pray that she is doing well and living in the joy of the Lord with her precious child.

So, when I zip up Luke's chicken outfit in a couple of week's, I will be struck by the innocence of it all. He has no thoughts of witches, monsters, or ghosts. I will be thankful that he is my sweet baby boy. Some day when he is old enough I will try to share with him my new definition of "All Hallow's Eve"-- thanks to Jane. The old Middle English title of "All Saints Day" means that we can celebrate! Thanks to God we are indeed saints. We are saved and spared from the misery of the evil that was so feared and represented in the images of ghosts, monsters, devils, and witches. We don't have to fear death or evil because God has already given us, His saints, the victory! Praise God!

Eternity in Our Hearts

Sunday night Scott and I were blessed to spend some time with three couples who are very dear friends. We ate together, and then we spent some time reading out of Ephesians. We all feel like we can easily share what is on our hearts whenever we are together, and each of us had a great deal to discuss. It is a safe place.

One of the guys had begun and new job and expressed that it is hard for he and his wife to trust that God will take care of them financially. He also admitted that they both felt like they were at a spiritual low. One of the girls was going to have surgery the next day and we all prayed over her and her family. One of the guys confessed that he has struggled greatly over the past several years with whether God was calling him to a different role-- should he be in the mission field instead of making good money in the financial world. One of the girls admitted that she struggled with really knowing what God wanted her to do with her life.

Much more was shared about our own interpretations of the text from Ephesians 1. What does it mean to live through the power of the Spirit? Why do we not tap into this power instead of relying on our own strength-- this ultimately leaves us empty and burned-out. How would we live our lives differently if we truly believed that our citizenship was in heaven and not here on earth?
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Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people--free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth. It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. It's in Christ that you, once you heard the truth and believed it (this Message of your salvation), found yourselves home free--signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit. This signet from God is the first installment on what's coming, a reminder that we'll get everything God has planned for us, a praising and glorious life. That's why, when I heard of the solid trust you have in the Master Jesus and your outpouring of love to all the Christians, I couldn't stop thanking God for you--every time I prayed, I'd think of you and give thanks. But I do more than thank. I ask--ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory--to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for Christians, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him--endless energy, boundless strength!
All this energy issues from Christ: God raised him from death and set him on a throne in deep heaven, in charge of running the universe, everything from galaxies to governments, no name and no power exempt from his rule. And not just for the time being, but forever. He is in charge of it all, has the final word on everything. At the center of all this, Christ rules the church. The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence.

This text hits so closely to home for me-- I just wish that I could fully allow it to transform my life.

Almost every person I know is struggling right now with trying to figure out how God can best use him/her. Almost every person I know right now is struggling with feeling spiritually empty and unfulfilled.

In Ecclesiastes 3:11, Solomon makes an interesting observation:

He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.

God has placed eternity in our hearts! That has to be why we get so restless here-- it is the eternal homing device that God placed inside us that longs to be where He is... We can never truly be at home or comfortable here. So, maybe in a strange way, the emptiness and dissatisfaction we feel is good-- it reminds us that if we rely on the things of this world or allow the external conditions we encounter to affect us, we will always be disappointed and anxious.

If only we could make full use of the Holy Spirit God has placed within each of us "for the praise of His glory." If only we believed that this same power that raised Christ from the dead is available to us! And, that He is able to do more than we ask or imagine through this Power that is at work within us! If only we could trust that heaven awaits us and that frees us to live lives of reckless abandon here for Him-- free from fear!

Lord, forgive us for allowing the struggles and trivialities of this world to blind us from you and our eternal destiny. Help us to see the power of Your spirit at work in our lives! Help us to be faithful to You in the many small day-to-day opportunities you place at our feet us each day, so that when You call we will be ready to serve you in a BIG way! Continue to discipline us, Father. Amen.

Our small group. 

It Only Takes a Spark... to Keep a Small Group Going

Just returned from an overnight camping trip at Natchez Trace State Park with our small group.... We decided to drop Luke off at my parents in Paris, which is on the way. This was the first night that I had ever been away from him. Everyone asked me how I was doing and if I was ok, but honestly I didn't worry about him for one second. I knew he would be just fine with my parents. We didn't get to the camp sites until 8:00, but we didn't end up missing out on anything.

Our group is a pretty diverse bunch. We formed the group almost three years ago. Then, none of us had any kids-- Now, 5 out of the 7 couples have kids! Boy how time changes things! The age range in our group is roughly 27-40 but most are in their late 20's. I am probably the most extroverted of the group, and I feel like I talk too much at times, but that's just who I am. I feel like I do a good job of listening, too-- so, I guess that might make up for it in some way! We have an engineer, a med-student, a lawyer, a contractor, a business executive, a male nurse, a financial planner, a salesperson, an insurance person and now 5 stay-at-home moms. And although that sounds like a pretty conservative and predictable group, it really isn't. We have a broad range of ideas and perceptions on Christianity, politics, and life in general.

We wanted to use the camp-out as a time to discuss the direction of the group-- how things were going, talk about changes that might need to be made in study material and leadership, be honest about our feelings, etc. We ended up talking until 2:00 a.m. overall, it was a good time of sharing and getting everything out on the table. Our basic problem is getting each one of us to commit 100% to the group. This means making the effort not just to attend each week and be prepared to discuss-- (we do a pretty good job of that already), but also to put in the time outside the group in order to build on the relationships/friendships.

For me personally it meant-- to agree to make this group a top priority regardless of how busy I am or how involved in other activities I am. It has been easy for me to have my spiritual needs met in many other places apart from the couples in our small group. That is great for me in many ways, but it isn't really fair to the people who are in the small group. I don't really need to keep the "one foot in the group and one foot out" attitude anymore-- I need to recommit. And by that, I think the thing I need to work on most is the friendships with the girls in the group. I am older than all of them, and I have such a different personality and outlook on life than most of them-- I think I feel like an oddball at times-- a "spiritual nerd" of sorts if that makes sense-- and I have used that as an excuse not to pursue deeper relationships with them because I have told myself that they aren't interested. I can't continue to do that, and I have to get over any baggage that I have about whether I "fit in" or can completely relate to them or feel comfortable showing them the real me. I need to realize that I don't have to be just like any of them or have to agree with them-- I can just be myself-- They will still love me-- with all my flaws! I need to better appreciate the value of having close friends who are really NOTHING like me-- what great things I can learn from them and what great lessons they can help me learn about myself.

Isn't it funny that you think you leave all those types of insecurities and hang-ups behind you when you leave high school and graduate from college-- but really you spend your entire life wanting to be loved, accepted, and to feel important to people. (You would think that after teaching and working with high school kids for 11 years I would have recognized how silly all my paranoias were....) We look around and assume that everyone else has it together and has a perfect life-- then we beat ourselves up because we don't. We don't cook as well, or read as many books, or have as many friends, or have as clean a house-- But, the truth is no one has it together--well, maybe a few-- but on the whole, we are all messed up and searching for real relationships with other Christians. What is it with our generation? We are all SO busy doing things that we think are bringing fulfillment and joy to our lives, and we are constantly on the go-- yet at the end of the day we feel empty, like we have no real connections with anyone!?!

I remember my parents always being busy with church stuff and involved with couples from our church, but I don't think I ever saw them struggling with trying to develop those deep, meaningful relationships with them. It just seemed to happen. Are we all just too busy now and too self-absorbed? Do we want to avoid being vulnerable, or are we just too exhausted to devote the time and energy into making those relationships happen?

It still amazing to me how hard it is to strike just the right balance in a small group setting. You want to have meaningful Bible study, but you also want to have meaningful times of sharing about the day-to-day struggles we each face. And getting people to be really honest and willing to share doesn't happen easily. Even though we have been together for awhile, there is still some resistance that is hard to even articulate-- but, I think we are making good progress. We have had several times where I think we all felt a special connection to each other, and I really think we all want to continue to build on that.

I am probably over-analyzing the whole situation. Most of us have very young children and life is busy... I am hoping that with the ever-changing stages of life that we will discover the importance of these spiritual relationships even more than we already do and find the desire and the time to pursue them more enthusiastically. We are very familiar with each other on a social level-- now we just need to slowly dig deeper into the truly important faith matters of life. It will happen-- we just need to be patient and enjoy the journey together. This is all just a part of the growth process.... I really do love all of the couples in the group. I need them in my life, and I believe God definitely had His hand in the formation of the group from the very beginning.

An Earthquake of the Soul

What a completely gorgeous day here in Nashville! There was a chill in the air this morning as Luke and I headed to the Y-- a part of our normal routine.... But, today when I dropped him off in the nursery, it was rather quiet-- not many kids had arrived yet. The nursery is divided into two sections-- the area in the back of the room is for the smaller babies-- 6 weeks to those who haven't learned to crawl/walk. It is divided by a wooden gate and it is the side where I always place Luke every morning. I sign him in, hang up his bag, and take him to the back and put him in an exersaucer and grab him some toys. Well, since there weren't many older babies-- less than 18 months-- all the babies were on the "big baby" side. So, I plopped Luke down beside one of his neighbor friends who is 4 months older. I figured that by the time I returned, they would have moved Luke back to the baby side....

Well, when I came back to pick him up and looked in the window, there he was still on the big kid side-- But, what really struck me is that he was playing!! He was totally enthralled and having fun. There was another little girl next to him named Mary who could already walk. He was picking toys out of a storage bucket and looked like such a big boy! It almost brought tears to my eyes because it made me realize that he is growing up SO fast! Soon he will be crawling and walking, too!

When I walked in the room he didn't even notice me-- he was too interested in the toys. I sat down on the floor next to him and just observed. It is so amazing to think back to the days I would hold him and get absolutely no response from him-- he was just a newborn with an underdeveloped brain-- Now he is a full-fledged boy who can laugh and think and learn! AMAZING!

Last night we took dinner to friends of ours who have just had their first child. As I held their sweet little 8 pound girl, it was so hard to imagine that Luke had been that way once, too. I listened as Lana asked questions that all new moms wrestle with... Is it normal for her to cry and be upset or is something wrong? She seems to have a gas problems and her stomach seems upset--- Is nursing always so hard at first? As I attempted to reassure her and encourage her, it dawned on me that it was completely ironic that I was now a motherhood expert-- at least in her eyes! If she could have only witnessed my first few weeks with Luke!

We are so far removed from those crazy anxious feelings of new parenthood! Those sleep deprived days and nights and days and nights that all run together into a blur! But, oh how well I remember the stress and the feeling that nothing would ever return to normal! Be glad I didn't blog the first few months of Luke's life! HORMONES!

Anyway-- I have said all of the above to say this... The little moment I was blessed to witness this morning with Luke makes me realize that so much of life is all about perspective. In the midst of chaos, confusion, and stress it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is easy to forget that God is faithful and that He is at work to make good out of all things, if we only let Him. I am so glad that I have reached a point in motherhood where it is no longer stressful and exhausting-- although once he starts crawling and walking, I'm sure that will change! I am so glad that I get to spend every day with him and that I am blessed to watch him develop into an amazing miracle of God. Children genuinely are a gift from the Lord! (Psalm 127:3)

One of my friends gave me this quote when I was only a couple of months pregnant last summer:
"Those first few weeks are an unearthly season. From the outside you remain so ordinary, no one can tell from looking at you that you have experienced an earthquake of the soul. You've been torn asunder, invested with an ancient, incomprehensible magic. It's the one thing we never quite get over: that we contain our own future." --Barbara Kingsolver (Animal Dreams)

I would add that it is an incomprehensible MIRACLE of GOD! How wonderful that He has allowed us to know the beautiful ups and downs of parenthood here on earth! Life is no longer ordinary, and we can now be thankful for the earthquake that forever reshaped our souls.

My ZOE family! This was taken at Otter Creek on Sunday morning. We have so much fun being together! What a blessing they each are to me!

 

Luke turned 8 months-old on Sunday! He is our precious boy, continuing to get bigger and smarter all the time! 

Water into Wine

What an incredible weekend! I am not even sure where to start!

This past weekend was our ZOE conference here in Nashville. Over 1,000 people attended-- our largest number ever! The weekend was rich with great teaching including Brian McLaren author of "A New Kind of Christian."

So, now I have so much stuff rummaging around my brain-- so many great ideas that I have been exposed to and need to process.... Where to begin?!?!

First, let me say that I was overwhelmed at how many people approached me to say that they have been reading my blog! It is really hard to comprehend that so many would even want to read the random ramblings of a stay-at-home mom... but, I am honored that you have been blessed by it. It was great to meet those of you who have visited and I hope we will all keep learning from each other and growing on our journey.

A few things that stuck in my head from this weekend:

• If we truly call ourselves Christians and have no non-Christian friends, can we really say that we are His disciples? It is like someone who has studied to become a doctor-- who has spent years and years learning all the intricacies of medicine and how to practice, and yet he has never been near a sick person. It is wasted knowledge and skill if it is never put into practice.
• We can get caught up in "Holy Desperation" and burn-out if we begin to sign-on for every task that comes our way... God is not looking for how much we did or were involved in while on earth... He is much more concerned with how we lived and who we touched in His name.
• Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine. Even though it was not yet His time, He recognized the urgent situation that arose at the wedding when the wine ran out. He intervened and changed the water into an abundant supply of wine-- about 600 bottles worth! He is still working that way in our lives. For most of us, life is running pretty smoothly-- our wedding feast. But, then suddenly-- sometimes in an instant-- things take a tragic turn for the worst. Our wine runs out-- we are empty-- we are devastated. Jesus has compassion and He changes our "water" into His wonderful wine. That is the kind of God we serve!
• That Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline is a GREAT book, but challenging!

I could go on and on about the things that I continue to wrack my brain about! I am still frustrated that I don't feel like I am doing everything I should as far as my Christianity goes. I don't think I have quite figured out how to use my gifts to best reach others for Him. This goes so far beyond the "works vs. grace" mentality-- it is just a restlessness on my part that I am not living up to the dreams God has planned for me, and I am not really sure how to figure out exactly what those dreams/plans are-- but I have a sneaking suspicion that Foster's book is going to help me with that in some way.

I also feel frustrated that I can't seem to find peace about other spiritual aspects in my life like the small group I am in and our Sunday morning class at church-- But, perhaps as Brandon likes to say-- "Creamed corn anyone?!" For those of you who aren't familiar with that reference-- it means maybe a public blog is not the best place to lay out personal details.... Basically, I am sure that problems (as I perceive them to be problems) lie with me anyway-- I need to relinquish my need to control situations or try to make them what I feel they should be. I need to remember that God alone is the change Agent-- not me. I just wish He would show me how to be His tool in the change process-- but, maybe He doesn't desire change or isn't even concerned with the things that are issues to me. He might want me focused on an entirely different agenda. Maybe the "brick wall" I feel like I am hitting my head up against is His way of telling me to head a completely different direction-- to just walk away and start over again. But-- is running away a ever a good solution, especially if the core of the matter lies within me and has nothing to do with any external circumstances?! SO confusing!!

Luke turned 8 months old yesterday! It is mind-boggling that he could be that old! He is still such a sweetie! So happy and fun! Scott and I just can't believe how wonderful he is! I desperately want to make the most of each moment we have with him-- I don't want to have too many regrets on things I wish I had done. I am learning that time already flies by too quickly and I am praying that I won't be blind to the moments that Scott and I just need to be still and savor the precious times we have with Luke.

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Lord-- I definitely do not have all the answers-- just more questions lately. I trust that You are working at this very moment in my life to bring me to the place you want and need me to be-- even if I can't see Your hand at work right now. Help me to be a Godly mother to Luke and a Godly wife to Scott-- and use me, Father-- however You want. Help me to be more gracious for the many times you have turned my water into wine and help me to remember, that like the wine at the wedding-- you often save the best for last!