I've Seen Fire and I've Seen Rain....

Well-- I can't believe that it has been so long since I last posted! This is a record I am not proud to have set!

There aren't really any good excuses for it. Perhaps there has been so much going on in my world that is simply not good "blog fodder".... Things that are just too intimate to splash around for all to see. Some of those things are extremely wonderful and joyful-- some aren't.

I honestly haven't had the time-- or maybe it's the energy--- to spend on pondering deep spiritual principles or to even begin to think about posting them out here in blog land! I hope that I can write about all the stuff that is happening one day soon-- maybe after everything has been resolved. I hope that comes quickly!!

Beyond that-- life has been good! Our dear ZOE tenor Jason was married a couple of weeks ago! It was a beautiful wedding! Another wonderful ZOE milestone!

Luke is 18 months old today! He is still a great kid, but he is definitely starting to push those limits! He isn't good about sitting still or obeying yet! He just wants to run around and do as he pleases! He has no concept of patience either! Add to his new attitude the complexity of transitioning into a new nap schedule-- and life is interesting! :) He is still a sweetie, though!

It's hard to believe that August is already here! Why does time speed up as we age?!

Scott and I went to a James Taylor concert Sunday night. What a place to people watch! We had grass seats. As I looked around at the sea of young-- and old-- lovebirds, it struck me just how much time had gone by since Scott and I first went to see James Taylor in 1992. We had only been dating a month-- our relationship was so new! We were SO "in love"! We reveled in the summer night and had no clue what the years ahead had in store for us!

Now as we sat and listened to the same songs, on the same grass-- life had taken such a different turn! We weren't so much the infatuated lovebird-type-- maybe more the loving, mature married couple with an 18 month-old! At one point, we were forced to move our blanket to escape the smoke clouds from three teenaged boys who had plopped down next to us.... We ended up behind a couple who were probably in their early 40s. A few songs later, I couldn't help but notice that they hadn't even spoken one word to each other, and the distance between them, even on their tiny quilt, couldn't have been greater. From my outside observation, it really seemed sad. How could they be at a concert like this, with JT singing "How Sweet it Is to be Loved By You?" and act so indifferently towards one another?! Why did they even come? Then it hit me that I NEVER EVER want to be in a place like that in my marriage! I want to do whatever it takes to rediscover and never lose sight of our inner-"lovebirds" and to remember that passion that we shared back in '92!

Scott and I laid back on our little quilt, with our funnel-cake, and felt happy that we were still in love and so blessed to have such a wonderful family!

I wonder if JT will be touring when Luke is a teen? It would be fun to take him! :)

Happy 10th anniversary to us! In front of the Atlantis hotel in the Bahamas.

Paradise Island, the Bahamas.

This Pop Quiz We Call Life

Scott and I returned Monday night from our tenth anniversary getaway. The hotel was great-- the aquarium displays were truly amazing-- food was REALLY expensive though.

June is the beginning of the rainy season there, and it did rain quite a bit in the afternoons, but there was still enough sun for us both to get sufficiently burned our first day out. The beach was just the best! The water was crystal clear and tropical fish were everywhere swimming right by us-- no need for a snorkel!

The best part of the trip was the time we had to reconnect-- to talk about our marriage and to set goals for the future. Like I have discussed many times before-- it is so easy to fall into the "roommate" trap as a couple-- which is the point where your relationship becomes all about the facts and practical aspects of life and less about the passion and purpose that keeps you together. We agreed that we should cut each other some slack since having a child definitely has an effect on the overall relationship-- especially in the beginning. We are glad that we are able to discuss things openly and that we realize we need to be aware of how important our marriage is. So-- weekend getaways are a very good thing! Thanks to my Mom and Dad for watching Luke for us!

Luke was very happy to see us return! It is crazy to me how he looks so much older than he did just a mere 5 days earlier when I dropped him off! He is definitely a little "spoiled" after being with the grandparents. Maybe spoiled isn't the right word, but he is just "whinny"-- he doesn't like being told "no" and he wants to be the center of attention. Hopefully he will fall back into his old self soon and start sleeping until 8 am again-- for some reason he started getting up an hour or so earlier while we were gone.

As far my return to the real world-- there is much going on at church with our Sunday school class-- some good, some bad. It amazes me how adults can always so easily revert back to a state of "high school drama"-- (I include myself in that category). I have continued to be struck by how very differently people can view the world even though you would think we are all looking out the same window. Not a chance! Some people see a vast frontier yet to be conquered, some see a desert wasteland not worth pursuing, some look past the sand and see an oasis, some can't see anything because they can't stop focusing on the patterns on the curtains!! My problem is that I can't seem to determine which category I fall into on this one! I fear that I am ready to jump out of the window or at least I want to shut it and pray for God to point me to the door-- or at least another window!!!

One thought has struck me-- why are some so desperate to find a formula for faith? It seems like so many of us are more than ready to follow blindly anyone who makes spiritual sense and seems to have a faith of their own. Do we think that we can share in that faith if we become "good students of the teacher" and start to think the same way and hold to the same views? It's like we want someone to say, "Here is how you find God and a real relationship with Him in three easy steps." Sign me up! I like to follow directions and be involved with something where I can see real, tangible results-- and I can measure my progress-- and yours-- along the way. Somehow, I think Jesus came to show us that there are no formulas, only the form of a cross. Lord, please help me to open my eyes to how easily I have let this happen in my own life. Help me to mature in my own walk and to put my trust in you alone-- not in any person or Bible study.

Another side to all of this is how desperate we have become to find "community" in a world that has become increasingly more isolated. Few dare to venture outside their homes except to take out the trash or mow the lawn. We rely on our internet, TV, and the pizza delivery man! We don't have the time to cultivate meaningful relationships with others-- we are always trying to recover from the rush and hassles of our own lives, so when we have a few moments of unspoken for time, we want to retreat into our homes and enjoy the silence and seclusion. So, when we do manage to drag ourselves to church on Sunday, we expect the people there to be our "community" and to make up for all that we have been missing the other six days of our isolated week. We soon find that a few hours on Sunday is a hard way to develop those deep ties-- we soon find that the church is so large that no one really notices if we show up or not (and we can always watch the sermon online anyway!). We begin to wonder why we don't fit in and why we don't belong, why we aren't needed, and why everyone else seems to have their lives together except us, and we get angry and frustrated that we can't figure out how to obtain that community that seems to be out of our reach..... Church becomes more of a country club with cliques and rules and social hierarchies..... and some decide that they no longer see the benefit of paying their weekly dues-- and really, the church down the street seems to have a better atmosphere and perks as of late anyway.

How did Jesus define "church"?

Yikes! Didn't mean to ramble on! It's late. Scott's in Denver, and I have more questions than answers lately! Such is life! One stage after another where you continue to realize that just when you think you might have started to answer the question, you realize the question has changed, you are living in a "post" something or another world, and that you have NO idea why you ever thought you had the slightest inkling of knowledge on that subject or any other one for that matter!!! :)

That is when you have to slow down (stop typing!), take a deep breath, and remind yourself that Jesus is THE only Answer needed for this pop quiz we call "life."

Our 10th Anniversary - June 10, 2005

Lightning never strikes twice-- but 10 times!

Scott and I celebrated our 10th anniversary on Friday! I can't believe it! TEN YEARS!

Scott brought me flowers and surprised me with a diamond cross necklace! Very pretty! Then, we went to Fleming's for a nice romantic dinner! We are also headed to the Bahamas this Friday for an amazing getaway to the Atlantis resort! It will be a second honeymoon of sorts! We are VERY excited about this trip together to think back over our last 13 years together. (3 dating!)

Who can sum up 10 years in a few words? Thought I would share from the journal entry I wrote on June 9, 1995-- the night before our wedding.
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Finally, the night I have been waiting for is here! Actually, it's almost come and gone! I wasn't nervous at all today except for a few brief moments on the way to the church for the rehearsal dinner.... Scott and I didn't get to talk much. You're just too busy to think! I am glad that I am writing about how I'm feeling the night before our wedding! I'm pretty calm and very tired! I hope to get some good sleep tonight- everything is going so fast! It seems like chaos to me, but I guess it's normal!

This is my very last night as "Amy Anderson"-- I wonder what Scott is doing tonight at this moment?.... On the way home from the rehearsal dinner tonight, the sky was filled with lightning over the lake. It was very beautiful. Scott loves lightning. I think that it is very special that it happened tonight, because the first time Scott told me that he loved me, lightning had just struck, and I said, "I love lightning" and then Scott said, "I love you." I was so happy to hear those words because I knew I loved him, too! That was about a month and a half after we started dating! God truly brought us together! I can't wait to take his name tomorrow and start a new life with him! Lord, thank You for this beautifully hectic time!
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The past 10 years with him have been truly blessed! I can't imagine having a better husband or father to our son, Luke. I am looking forward to the next ten years with my best friend!

My Babble and the Flip Side of Babel

Well-- it is almost midnight, and I should have gone to bed a LONG time ago. It is hard to keep a normal schedule when Scott is out of town. I always end up staying up late for some reason.

Having Scott gone makes for LONG days, too. Luke is still a dream-- so fun to be with, but I never underestimate how great it is when "Daddy" comes walking through the door at night. It is just nice to be able to sit back and watch him interact with Luke, or change a diaper, or feed him, or give him a bath. It lets me focus on other things and allows me to have a more objective perspective on things. Scott really is an AMAZING dad. Luke and I are blessed.

Once again I find myself struggling with my spiritual journey. I have finally begun to acknowledge that I am running on empty. I have been so busy lately that it has taken awhile for me to finally see that I have overdrawn on my "faith account" because I have not been making any deposits! I am the classic example of someone who can get so caught up in the "doing" that I can completely forget about the "being"-- as long as I'm "doing" churchy things, then I must be deepening my walk. This is simply a lie.

Tonight I was blessed to hear something that I needed to hear... Thanks, God, for speaking to me through the message of a godly woman. She reminded me of a very important thing....

I have been wondering what my purpose was as far as how God wanted to use me or what He wanted me to do in life. Surely there had to be more than being a stay-at-home mom living in isolated domestic bliss! What do you want from me, Lord?! Tell me! Tell me!

He did tell me-- and all of us:

Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." John 6:29

It is so simple that it is profound! God wants me to stop trying to chart out the future and to focus on Jesus only-- BELIEVE! I had been trying to put the proverbial cart before the horse. For some reason, I had fooled myself into thinking that I was fulfilling the will of God by "doing" instead of allowing my heart to be totally taken with believing in Him, and trusting that He would lead me where He wanted me to be in His own time. It is only in first believing in Him, and being changed by all that encompasses, that we are even able to begin to comprehend what He might have in store for us. It is also the overwhelming nature of our belief and our faith which motivates us to do those works that "He has prepared us in advance to do." It has to be in that order-- or our motivations are not pure. I had lost sight of that.... I pray that I will be more aware of it-- my tendencies to focus on the spiritual "externals" instead of the internals.

I also feel like I have had a minor break through in my thinking on the Holy Spirit. I have always been stumped by the concept of Him. How does He work in our lives today? Am I truly living a life in the Spirit-- by His power? If not, why?..... Anyway, I have also been in many late night talks about why He seems to have worked differently amongst the disciples in the first century than He does today-- at least, if He still does, I have never witnessed it firsthand-- although I have heard many reports-- even from within my own family. I have never seen someone healed on the spot, raised from the dead, or seen someone prophecy.

So-- I have been reading a book that mentioned that throughout Scripture God would pour out His Spirit on people for a specific time or task-- like Gideon, Samson, David, Elijah, Elisha-- He allowed them to participate in miracles that demonstrated His power to a lost world. Then, when Jesus came and died, we were able to access the Spirit once and for all time-- He came to dwell in us. I had never thought about John 20:22 before-- when a resurrected Christ returns to reveal himself to a sad, defeated bunch of His terrified disciples:

And with that he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit."

Is this the first sign of the new indwelling Spirit-- the Comforter that Christ had promised?! It is all so deep for me to ponder, but-- at least I have had some new thoughts on it.

It is the Spirit who allows us to move beyond the "doing" and to truly live in the power of "being" what God has called us to be!

I also have to pass on this tidbit that I picked up from John York at church on Sunday-- I had NEVER EVER thought of this before!! (Excuse my poor attempt to summarize your sermon, John!) He had proposed that for all of time, humans have sought to differentiate themselves from each other-- Cain and Able, Northside Church of Christ and First Baptist Church, etc. He said that the Tower of Babel is the perfect example of that differentiation. They were arrogantly trying to establish themselves as on par with God, and He chose to show them that they were sadly mistaken. BUT-- when God's perfect plan of reconciliation began to further unfold at Pentecost, there was a complete reversal.... Now instead of many languages and confusion, there was one message of truth understood by all! Pentecost was the flip side of the Babel coin! God's perfect timing and plan revealed! Or, as the man I was sitting next to exclaimed, "The Tower of Babel was all about the mouth-- Pentecost was all about the ears!" Neat thoughts! Ponder that for awhile! Thanks, John!

Well-- thanks for reading my midnight thoughts! I must sleep! :)

Scott and I at Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas.

What happens in Vegas...!

Scott and I just returned from a getaway trip to Vegas! I had never been before, and I'm not really the gambling type-- but we had fun! He even taught me the fine art of craps at 1:00 a.m.! I actually learned the basic tenants and even took a turn and throwing the dice! We made $400! VERY fun! (sorry to those of you who are offended at my wild streak!) We also got to see Ray Romano (Everybody Loves Raymond) do his stand up act. He was very funny and talked a lot about his wife and family.

It was so nice to get away and to spend time with each other-- without Luke! As much as we love him, we are realizing that taking time out for the two of us is VITAL! We had reached a point where life had gotten consumed with appointments, trips, schedules, etc! We had stopped connecting and had started to feel like roommates united in a common cause to raise Luke. This in itself is probably not all bad-- but, we realized that we were missing out on the wonderful relationship we had always enjoyed together.

So-- getting away was nice! We left Luke with Mom and Dad and didn't fret over him for one second! That is such a blessing just to know that he is safe, loved, and completely oblivious to the fact that Ma Ma and Da Da are lying by the pool at Caesars Palace!!! Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Our 10th anniversary is in a couple of weeks! CRAZY! In some ways it seems like yesterday when we were walking down the aisle-- in other ways it seems like ions ago! I am SO blessed to be with such an amazing man.

The past year has been an interesting time of adjustment for us, our changing relationship, our new roles as parents-- but for me, I think it has been especially hard trying to balance the role of "wife and mother". The mother part has come easy for me-- mostly thanks to Luke being such a perfect, easy-going kid and an awesome, loving husband. But-- the wife part has left me sadly lacking I am ashamed to say. I often find myself being less than loving and supportive at the end of the day-- mainly I assume because I have spent the entire day pouring out my love, energy, and emotions on Luke... I just don't leave any thing for Scott! At least I recognize it, and I vow to work on it!!! Thankfully, Scott is patient, too!

Our little daredevil! Luke was an angel on the trip! He remained flexible and easy-going even though he had to be dragged around all week! He is such a GREAT kid! What a sweetie!

The ZOE Crew at this year's Pepperdine Lectures.

Pepperdine 2005

Covering the Gamut...

What a GREAT week-- but different than the other years! We got home from our annual Pepperdine trip late Sunday night. My parents and my little sister accompanied us on the trip this year.

The lectures were really good-- our class with Mike went well, and I actually got to sit in on several of the other wonderful classes-- Yes, I am a lecture geek! I enjoy it! My favorite was Rick Atchley's class with Dave Stone, minister at the Southeast Christian Church in Louisville. Their talks were first rate! They have both been gifted by the Lord! They spoke such truth.

Being in Ken Star's session was also interesting-- he is such a lawyer nerd, but amazingly smart and funny-- which surprised me, because that part of his personality NEVER came across through the media.

No major star sightings this year-- we ate Mexican with Pierce Brosnan and family-- and the lead singer of Incubus (whoever he is?!).

We also had a VERY late into the night conversation with my parents, my sister and my hometown preacher (Paris, TN) which covered the gamut of most of the C of C baggage that you could ever think of.... my parents reluctance to broaden their views on "Christian", instrumental music, the first day of the week Lord's Supper, the issue of baptism-- specifically over if it is necessary for salvation, i.e. is that the point at which you receive the Holy Spirit and the forgiveness of your sins, or did that happen on the cross-- etc. etc. etc. -- If you could only have been there for that one folks!!! Isn't it amazing how little we actually discuss our faith with our own immediate family?! Well-- I guess that's not totally true for my side of the family! Seems like we are always staying up late to debate! I think my parents are still a tad in denial over some of their closed-mindedness-- they just can't give up the "glory days of the church", and they aren't much on all the change they see happening-- can't say that I blame them for being sentimental-- just as I am sure I am a tad too open-minded, opinionated, and vain about my own views-- which I am sure I am wrong about on some points!!! Anyway-- they have come a LONG LONG way, and it is nice to see and hear-- even if it is 1:00 a.m. As for me? I am still on the journey myself.

Before coming home, we visited the Reagan Library. It was nice. So odd to be walking through a timeline of someone's life--- his baby photo and announcement in the local paper, his elementary yearbook, the actual restaurant booth where he proposed to Nancy, a display of handwritten love letters and notes he had penned for her, the wedding suit Nancy wore, a concrete remnant from the backyard of their first home where they had carved their initials... Hundreds and thousands of bits and pieces and trinkets which comprised his life. It made me stop and think about what would be in my "museum" when all is said and done.

Here is Amy with the ugly glasses she had to wear during middle school to correct the lazy eye problem she had; the actual clarinet she played in the band; basketball jersey with #32 which she wore for the Mayfield Middle School Cardinals-- (although she might have been #33-- she and her best friend Stacie always mixed up their jerseys, so they never really knew who was which by the end of the season); photo of Amy and her high school sweetheart Lance; her senior portrait with the BIG 80's hair; Her graduation program from Lipscomb; hundreds of books from her days as an English teacher; Photos of her with Scott-- their engagement at the horse farm, their wedding; thousands of photos of their son Luke.....

I can't really begin to imagine what would go behind the glass after that.... makes my head hurt! Life is so funny-- it all comes down to old stuff, faded photos, and snippets of memories.... Gather ye rosebuds while you may-- or at least the digital photo files! Praise the Lord, that there is more to this life than what we make it of it here on earth!

So great to run into so many bloggers out at Pepperdine! What a neat group of people! Keep on blogging!

Scott, Luke, and Me-- New Arrivals Day, April 2005.

You were, You are, and You will always be

Aside from coming down with a cold on Saturday, this week was much calmer for us! I didn't feel like I had a million things to do, places to go, and people to see... It was nice! We didn't even have one thing on our agenda for the weekend! I really love when that happens!

Well, the 9th ZOE conference CD is finished as of last Saturday! Yippee! Our last day in the studio proved to be our most daunting though-- of course! We had saved "You Were There"-- a powerful song that Avalon recorded (The Creed, www.avalonlive.com)-- to finish up with... It was a pretty diffucult arrangement, and that one song took us 5 hours to complete! I'm not sure that is a ZOE record, but it has to be close. It was really hard! We must have sung it through a hundred times! I think it is going to be awesome though once the solos are laid down and it is mixed. The words to the song are just so meaningful and strong and true:

I wonder how it must have felt
When David stood to face Goliath on a hill
I imagine that he shook with all his might
Until You took his hand, and held on tight
'Cause You were there, You were there
In the midst of danger's snare
You were there, You were there always
You were there when the hardest fight
Seemed so out of reach
Oh, You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So there he stood upon that hill
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans
And just in time, You brought a lamb
'Cause You were there,
You were there
In the midst of the unclear
You were there, you were there always
You were there when obedience
Seemed to not make sense
You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So haven't I learned that my ways
Aren't as high as Yours are
And You alone keep the universe
From crumbling into dust
You are God and though we would
Not have understood You
There You were

Hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
Just all makes sense
With Your last breath
You were there, You were there
During darkest hour
You were there, You were there always

You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one

You were, You are and You will always be the Risen Lamb of God
You were, You are and You will always be the Risen Lamb of God

It is crazy when we go into the studio and cut 13 songs over a month and half that you actually forget what you recorded! I sat down at the piano this weekend and pulled out the music from my notebook. As I began to play through the songs, I realized that there are some GOOD songs on this one. I pray that they will touch many lives. They have already touched mine....

ZOE is off to Pepperdine next week! One of our most fun trips of the year! This year will be a tad different... Sheryl-- our AMAZING soprano (Brandon's wife)-- isn't coming since little Sam is so close to making his debut. Jason-- our AMAZING tenor and comic relief-- isn't coming since he is getting married in July and needs the vacation time for his honeymoon. And, the group isn't staying for the Friday class (Mike Cope) this year. So-- it will be a little different, but still an awesome week I'm sure. We have two incredible subs that sound GREAT! We are so fortunate to have so many great singers to pull from in Nashville. These two are like family to us anyway, and they will fit right in. I am really looking forward to it! Can't wait to see Luke at the beach this year! Hard to believe he turned 3 MONTHS-OLD at Pepperdine last year! He is SO big now! I think he will be so fun, if he survives the plane ride out!

I'm posting our family photo from New Arrivals Day a few weeks back. It turned out well!

God, help us to constantly remember that You are there-- even when we don't feel Your presence. In spite of our unreliable emotions and "feelings"-- You were, You are, and You will ALWAYS be our Lamb who came to save us! THANK YOU, Father!

Real Estate vs. REAL

Luke is back to his normal, happy self after several days of grumpiness-- He just wasn't feeling like himself and was battling the same stomach issues that he fought off last month. It wasn't as bad this time-- no vomit, etc. So-- times like that make me REALLY appreciate what a truly good kid he is. If he were a grump all the time, I would be, too!

He is just so much fun. He is getting smarter and smarter each day. Every day he does something that astonishes me and makes me smile. I will point to a car and say "vroom vroom" and he will say "car" and then mimic my "vroom" sound-- and I think-- "How does he know to do that?!" He also has Scott's sly, mischievous side to him. He will do something he knows he's not supposed to and then look up at you with those gorgeous blue eyes and a half-grin... it is so hard for me not to laugh when I am trying to teach him a valuable lesson in self-discipline! :)

Scott has been gone all week to the Ritz in Orlando-- rough life!! I was going to go, but I have ZOE commitments this weekend-- oh well! Poor me! I am actually looking forward to another weekend in the studio. We are only 3 songs away from being done! I have to say-- I really love this CD. I think it has a completely different feel from our last few, but I can't really say how or why... I just like it. I also love hanging with the gang. What an awesome group of people! LOVE THEM! Bring on the Pringles!

The neurotic side of me has been working over time the past few weeks... I confess that I think I have gotten a little stuck in the "Keeping Up with the Joneses" mire. Several of our friends have bought new homes or land to build new homes on... and that started me on a search for the perfect piece of property for us. Well, we actually have an extremely nice home already, and I do feel so blessed and I love it! BUT (isn't there always a "but" somewhere!?)-- one of my downfalls has now become home decor. I love thinking about new layouts, paint colors, fabric, etc. I get excited thinking about the possibility of getting/building a new house just because I think it would be fun! We probably will want to find another place with a bigger yard as Luke grows... but that will probably be at least a couple of more years... Which means my spending hours online at "realtor.com" was not exactly needed-- neither was my cruising of neighborhoods as Luke slept in the carseat! I am so bad about getting focused on a "mission"-- I don't want to do anything else until it is accomplished. I get impatient and want to make it happen right now!

After coming home and telling Scott about a perfect home that I found for us, he looked at the price, and then proceeded to tell me that we weren't ready to move just yet. He reminded me off what a great place we already have and how blessed we are. He's right. House hunting will have to wait-- although I have talked him into looking at two lots for sale this weekend! :)

We really do have more than MANY and I am blessed. I am so thankful to be able to stay with Luke and to have a beautiful home. This morning I think God was speaking to me-- I was watching Joyce Meyer while Luke was eating his breakfast. She was speaking from James and she said that when we run around impatiently, not trusting that God has a plan for us, it shows spiritual immaturity. That is so true-- I am spiritually immature, and I have such a long way to go! I need to just trust that we will be and live where we need to be and live-- regardless of whether I check the new MLS postings each day. I have some work to do on myself! Instead of "real estate", I just need to get REAL about my walk!!

Lord, teach me not to love this world and its trappings so much! You have blessed me over and above what I deserve! Let me live in the happiness You have blessed me with and be content. Content to be Your child and to know Your love. And-- thanks for my adorable son and amazing husband!! AMEN!

Just a swingin' with my buddy!

Luke and I on New Arrivals Sunday, April 10, 2005.

Me and my buddy, Jason. We "fight" over which parts the tenors and altos will sing-- who will get the best notes!

ZOE Girls! My sweet friends-- Sheryl, Melissa, Me, and Karin.

ZOE in the studio-- April 2005

Luke and Scott on the way into church yesterday, April 3rd, 2005.

Zoe, Zones, and Kingdom Work

Luke turned 14 months-old yesterday! He is getting SO big! Today I went to get him out of his crib after his nap-- he is always so happy and cuddly when he wakes up--- and the moment just kind of hit me... just what a great kid he is and how much fun I have being with him each day. He really is a joy and such fun to be around. I love seeing how his mind is able to process more complex ideas and concepts-- such as, now he will pick up his shoes and try to put them on his feet; he knows that that is where they belong and where mommy puts them every day. When he picks up a hairbrush, he will start brushing his hair, etc. He is a very good "mimic", too. I love showing him an object, telling him what it is called, and then seeing if he can say it back. Today he had one of my bracelets in his hand, and I think he actually said "bracelet"!!! At least that's what it sounded like he said! :) Anyway-- I am one proud Mommy! He is the best!

Last weekend in the studio was great! We knocked out 4 more songs which means we are 2/3 of the way through with this project. I still think this will be one of my favorites. Everything just seems to be clicking, and we have some very powerful songs-- several originals! I think my favorite right now would be "Mighty is the Power of the Cross". The words are SO great! Anyway-- can't wait to hear the mixed CD-- after Chris and Josh (our wonderful engineers this year) take all our rough stuff and work their magic! I think this will be the best sounding CD we have ever done as far as production quality. I'm excited! We are SO blessed to be able to use the Bennett House this year. Thanks, Ken! I'll post a few shots of us in the studio.

So-- I am doing well on my pursuit of hospitality!! This week I took the names and addresses of 60 couples at Woodmont who are affiliated with our Marriage Builders class and plotted their locations on a map. Then, I divided the groups into 6 geographic zones of 8-10 couples each, assigned "host" couples, and-- I'm proud to say that on April 17th, we will all be having our first "Community Zone Dinner" all over the city! It really is a simple, no-brainer concept that I wish we would have done even sooner. It provides the perfect opportunity for people to meet new folks and to see who their church "neighbors" are. I think it will be a great success. I have also formed a "supper club" of sorts with two neighbor couples of ours. Together, we are going to invite new couples over each weekend for dinner. We are on this weekend for Friday night. We are also going out with several couples on Thursday night to a charity catfish dinner, and on Saturday, we have a wedding shower for two of my former students who are getting married! This Sunday is also new arrivals day at Woodmont. Our whole family will be there to see Luke get his Bible and his blessing and then come back to our place for lunch. Whew! Busy weekend, but fun!

It is a wonderful irony of sorts, that the more you give of yourself-- no matter how busy you are or "think" you are-- the more you get back. It is how God designed it to be. When we trust Him enough to simply be about the Kingdom work of loving others, He always makes sure that things turn out how they should and that our hearts are filled. He is good.

Easter morning 2005

Amy and Luke after church on Easter.

Sickness, Songs, Pringles, and Passion

It has been awhile since I last blogged-- lots of stuff going on, as usual! First, Luke contracted his very first illness-- not bad since he is 13 1/2 months-old. He caught one of the stomach bugs that has been ravaging through Nashvegas. He spent an entire day vomiting, another day with 104 temp, and until today, hasn't had a bite of food in over three days! This morning he awoke with a little more spunk, although it took him one hour to eat a saltine cracker-- I think he's on the mend. So, all week, I have done little more than sit and hold him. It was actually nice to have nothing else on my schedule but to be with him and to comfort him.

We have also started work on our next conference CD for ZOE. We are recording in a beautiful studio this year-- The Bennett House in Franklin. That is where Ken Young (Hallal) is doing all of his stuff now, and he was instrumental in getting us in there-- THANKS! We are also working with two new engineers-- Josh and Chris, who ROCK! There has been such a nice chemistry amongst us so far-- I am expecting this to be one of my favorite CDs yet. We have six songs down which means we are almost halfway through. I wish people knew what a kick our recording times are!-- Then again, maybe not!

As Brandon stated on his blog, we are an opinionated group! The tenors and altos are infamous for fighting it out for the best notes! This weighs on Brandon's nerves, no doubt, but I am personally so thankful for him and his leadership style. He lets us hash things out, but then puts his foot down when he needs to and lays out his vision for each song. I am so glad that as singers we have input into not only the songs we will sing but even each note of our parts. Not many groups can say that, I'm sure, and that's why I think our ZOE arrangements are fun and different-- they are the result of nine people who have engaged in a creative and artistic battle for what each thinks is best! Not something to be witnessed by anyone but us, probably! We all know we are family and that even after the "discussions" we will never stop loving each other.

We also spend much time and energy snacking! Pringles, grapes, crackers and cheese, and all things chocolate have been the staple snacking foods for us since the beginning. We each contribute different goodies to the pile each night and then we scarf them down between takes and rehearsal time. Let it be said-- ZOE folks love to eat!

The theme of this year's conference is going to be along the lines of the Incarnation-- or how God has broken through into our lives and into our worlds, and how that has and is impacting us.... Very interesting. Can't wait to hear the testimonies from people on that one. I think it will be different than anything we have done before. Even though the conference is months away, it will really be here before we know it. It is one of my favorite weekends of the year, no doubt. If you have never experienced it, you should. I think official registration starts in May, but don't delay, we have been selling out the spots! Go to http://zoegroup.faithsite.com/ and click on the Look to the Hills Conferences link for more information. I would love to meet some of you in the blogging community in person! Please make sure to introduce yourselves!

So much of my time, energy and thoughts have been wrapped up in ZOE so far in 2005. In the past 2 1/2 months (10 weeks) we have traveled to Fresno, Abilene, spent two hours every Wednesday night rehearsing, and 3 days in the studio--- and we aren't even through-- we have three more weekends in studio, and a week in Pepperdine coming up in just 5 weeks. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade ZOE for the whole world-- it is one of the biggest blessings in my life... it just seems like it has been way too easy for me to slip into "ZOEland" lately and to lose track of my own intimate journey with the Lord. I really need to work on that...-- what's new?! I am so thankful that He is a God of mercy and compassion!

Other than feeling like I am doing a stinky job of sharing the time that I do have with others, life is going splendidly! :) Scott and I are really in need in of getting away to have some alone time with each other, too. We have been seeing each other coming and going lately! Between our crazy travel schedules we have done little more than pass off Luke and say "hello, good bye"! I guess back when it was the two of us, although we were just as busy, we didn't really miss our "couple" time as much-- when we had time we were able to spend it together, now we spend it with Luke-- which is awesome, but doesn't really allow for us to focus on our relationship very much. We are hopefully going to sneak away for a little ski weekend next week. I really need to get back on the slopes and to relax by a warm, cozy fire! It has been two years since we have been skiing together-- I was pregnant last ski season! I hope we get away!

Last week I sang on the praise team at Woodmont. Although singing through THREE services can be tiring, one benefit is being blessed to hear three sermons-- yes, it is a blessing! :) Last week John York did all three.... He had an incredible lesson on how we try to "name" ourselves instead of letting God name and define us-- read it here-- http://www.johnyork.faithsite.com/content.asp?CID=79345

One of the quotes he ended with really struck me:

"Our ideal self is revealed in what we value (passion), how we understand the world (belief), and what we do to reach our ideal (behavior). Our passion, belief, and behavior fit together so intimately that I can say this with confidence: What we do is what we really value. What we value enough to do tells others what we really believe. What we really believe shapes what we will become."

Dan Allender,To Be Told: Know Your Story; Shape Your Future,Waterbrook Press 2005

It made me think about what I truly value-- where do I spend my time? How does this show others what I truly believe? These are some hard questions to answer, but strike at the very core of our Christianity and our faith. If where we spend our time and energy shapes the very core of who we become, then it is just SO important that we are spending our time focused on Him and doing His will. I know I don't always do that. Hard to be honest about it.... so much of my life I devote to self and not to others. SO FRUSTRATING!!!!

Well-- at least I realize that I need to improve and that's a pitiful little start of sorts!

LUKE 13 months-old

Ignorantly in the Middle of It All

Yesterday Luke turned 13 months-old.... It seems so predictable and somewhat contrived to say, yet again, how fast the past 13 months have gone.... but it is so true. 13 months ago I had no concept of motherhood, no real concept of selflessness, of sacrifice.... I have learned so much through the experience of him entering into my life.

What is so hard to fathom is that one day I will be thinking those same thoughts, yet he will be on the verge of graduating high school, or getting married, or having his own child--- and to me it will probably still seem like it was just a blink back to when he was first learning to walk and to speak.

Time itself is such an interesting proposition-- after reading Slaughterhouse 5 (Kurt Vonnegut) in high school, I have always pondered "time"-- the amazing concept that it is perceived as chronological to us: one second followed by another second, by another minute, by another day, week, month, etc... But, really time is a much bigger construct than that-- so big that I am sure we can't even grasp it with our human minds. Some day I will have to ask God to reveal His whole thought process behind coming up with our concept of time. Meanwhile, I am doing my best to appreciate each second of it and to treasure the days I have with my wonderful husband and son.

As my life with Luke is going so well and is so joyful, my heart goes out to the Shaub and Griffith families. These families are spending their days kneeling beside hospital beds, watching their precious sons struggle to regain strength and spirit-- while trying to maintain theirs as well. I think about the Cope family and all that they have been through before and recently with their children.... I can't even imagine having to see Luke in a state like that-- I am not sure that I would have the strength or faith that these families continue to display. It is truly amazing.

Life is so bewilderingly overwhelming and indescribable most of the time! When I was younger I would sit around and philosophize about it-- trying to come up with answers to so many questions... Now I think I just sit around amazed.... no answers-- not even too many questions anymore-- I just observe and analyze my reactions to it-- and the reactions of others. It is just so interesting. Nothing stays the same for long-- Most everything is different than it is actually perceived-- Pain is just a pathway to learning and enlightenment-- Happiness is a choice not an event that we create-- Love is a fragile gift from above that can be terribly neglected, forgotten, or misused, but can also be the very reason for living.

Such are the crazy thoughts rambling around in my head-- I just put Luke in his crib for a nap and had to sit down and write. One day I will read this again and smile at how little I really knew about time, pain, life, and love-- but for now, I am content to sit ignorantly in the middle of it all-- to be amazed, to be thankful, and to be here, in this place, at this time, with these people who surround me, love me, and offer me a "life" to be lived and celebrated.

Thank you, Lord.

Luke reads the "instruction manual" which accompanied him on his trip to Ma Betz and Pa Bob's house.

At the ACU Lectureships this year, we were honored to lead the worship sessions before the keynote speakers.

The ZOE Gang with Christopher Cope. Mike and Diane had us all over for lunch while we were in town for the ACU Lectures.

A Piece of Chocolate for You...

Whew! What another whirlwind week! Seems like several of my last posts have started out this way! How do we get so incredibly busy?!

Saturday I left with ZOE to head to Abilene, Texas, for the ACU Lectureships. I was gone until Thursday morning. Scott left Sunday night for Detroit-- (he spent five hours in the Nashville airport before they actually cleared the plane to leave!). Monday he flew out to Denver and returned Wednesday night after a two-hour delay which got him to Nashville at 2 a.m.! So, we are road weary this weekend!

Where was Luke during all our travels? With my mom and dad! They got to have their first "parent-free" visit with Luke, and they really had a great time. Luke stayed true to his angelic behavior and couldn't have done any better. That is such a relief to me because I don't feel so badly for leaving him for such a long time. It is so nice to have my parents keep him-- we are so blessed to have great families.

The trip to ACU was such fun! It always is when ZOE gets together. We lead worship at Highland on Sunday-- it proved to be a very emotional service. The families involved in the accident all came to the front. A few of the children and parents shared how the event had affected them. Even Brody's family, the boy who was killed in the crash, was present at the first service. I can't imagine the strength it took for them to be up there-- only by the grace of God, I'm sure. Many of those who were among the first responders to the scene were also at church-- the police, EMTs, passerbys who stopped to help-- even a judge! They all had returned at the request of the families who wanted to show their appreciation to them for all they had done to help. It was a display of community and compassion in the grandest sense. All of them will forever share a bond that only they can comprehend. We were blessed to witness it.

We had also learned on the trip down that another tragedy had occurred.... Jonathan Shaub, the son of one of the elders at Otter Creek and a student I had known while teaching at Lipscomb, had been struck by a truck in Manhattan. He was in bad shape. Jonathan is the definition of what you would think the "perfect son" would be-- the star of the football team, smart-- he had a perfect score on his SATs, I think-- funny, kind.... He is such a great guy. His sister Nicole has sung with ZOE several times, too. She was keeping us posted on his progress. All our hearts were just breaking because we couldn't fathom what the family was going through. Right now, Jonathan seems to be making some improvement. Keep him in your prayers.

We had a lot of "down time" during the day, and we had fun hanging out and enjoying our time together. On Tuesday, Mike and Diane Cope had us over for lunch, and we got to see Chris-- also involved in the accident, but recovering well. He and Jason battled it out playing "horse" on the basketball hoop set up in the living room. It was very entertaining! It was also Brandon's mom, Miss Judy's birthday, so we had cake! FUN!

Doug and Nan Smith also had us out to their ranch for a genuine BBQ on the farm! They have a great little cabin out in the middle of nowhere on 1,500 or so acres. It was such a glorious day! The sun was shining, the wind was blowing, the JoAllen's BBQ was delicious! What more could you ask for?! What a fun time!

For the first time ever in the history of the ACU Lectures, we were leading the worship times before the keynote speakers at night. We weren't sure what to expect in this venue, but things went amazingly well. People seemed to respond favorably and didn't seem to want to run us off the stage! Praise the Lord! The speakers were good-- especially the Scottish preacher, Billy Wilson. He had such a different, in-your-face kind of style. Plus, he gave us one of our pharses for the week-- "Here's a piece of chocolate for you!" The best was Randy Harris' talk on Wednesday. He spoke from Colossians 4 on declaring the mystery of Christ. He said we need to be willing for things to look "weird", not expecting the church to look like it always has if we truly want to reach the lost. Amen, brother!

We are just so blessed to be a part of this ministry! We have been privileged to visit so many brothers and sisters from coast to coast in so many incredible worship environments. We have shared laughter and tears with family all over the country-- and even the world! A sweet woman from Micronesia-- a group of islands roughly halfway between Hawaii and Indonesia-- approached us in the cafeteria one day and told us how much our music meant to her. She told of us an incredible story about her mother and how our music had impacted her life before she died of breast cancer. She told us that long after we had left to remember that our music would still be in her heart! We have story after story like that which people have shared-- It is so humbling, and reminds us that God can use us to accomplish His purposes-- in spite of us and all our flaws!

Many of us pondered how strange it was to be back on a college campus. Several of the ZOE team actually attended ACU-- Brandon was named ACU Young Alumnus of the Year this past fall! When you are in the midst of a mass of college kids, you can't help but think back to your own past and your own college days. Those days were a time of such freedom and growth-- the world was new and the future untarnished! The irony is that you never fully realize what a sacred time it is until you can reflect back on it many years later. At the time it seems stressful, and painful, and frustrating... Much like our lives now-- which I am sure we will also look back on in time and wonder-- where did it all go?!

I had lunch one afternoon with a former student who was also in my lifegroup at church. It was so neat to listen to him share his problems with his love life. As I listened to his saga, it reminded me of so many things in my own past... I reassured him that no matter what happened with the girl who had disappointed him, God had a plan for his life. I tried to remind him to treasure each second and to leave behind the worry, anxiety, and drama that he was creating for himself... But, more than likely, he won't. I didn't. It's just all a part of the lessons we must learn along the journey.

Now it is back to the daily routine... It is funny how being gone for awhile almost makes you forget what normal day-to-day life is like. It is back to house cleaning, cooking, changing diapers-- all those truly wonderful things that you take for granted until you can get away, step outside yourself and gain a renewed perspective.

Thank You, Lord, for my healthy son who is just learning to take his first steps. Thank You, Lord, for my patient husband who supports me in my travels and in my ministry. Thank You, Lord, for my messy house that needs to be cleaned today. Thank You for the clothes in my suitcase that are dirty and wrinkled from the fun week I was blessed to spend with my Christian family in Texas. Thanks for my empty fridge and for the grocery run I need to make. Thank You, Lord, for my wonderful life as a stay-at-home mom. Thank You for the very life you have given us to live each day-- may we make the most of it as we learn through trial and error how to better follow in the footsteps of Jesus.

Stairway to Heaven-- at 4 a.m.

Today's entry is the perfect example of what happens at 4 a.m. when you can't sleep-- CRAZY thoughts which emerge from your semi-conscious mind!!! Last night Scott and I had an amazing dinner at our favorite fancy restaurant, and I had too much to drink-- sweet tea, of course!!! I am not used to all that caffeine so late at night, so I think that's why I had a restless night.

I kept having this random dream about being in New York with a group of friends. We were touring through the city and were at the top of one of the skyscrapers when we reached an elevator door. We wanted to get down to street level, but the elevator was broken. We were all standing directly in front of the door contemplating what a long way down it was in that elevator shaft!

This caused me to think about the many times I had actually been to New York-- in my real life!!! Obviously all of us were shaken to the core on 9/11 when we saw the planes fly into the World Trade Center. I remember walking over to our refrigerator and grabbing a magnet off the door that Scott and I had purchased at the top of the WTC just a few years earlier to add to our souvenir collection. It was a red apple-- "I love NY." We also have several photos of us taken from the top of the tower-- how odd that it no longer exists.

Going to the top of the Empire State Building is also an adventure! Its hauntingly beautiful architecture and history is so powerful. The site where it stands belonged to John Jacob Astor. He died tragically on the Titanic, and his son Vincent sold the property soon after his death. The Empire State Building, ironically, was also struck by an army plane in 1945, leaving 14 people dead. (Yes, all of this was swirling around in my head at 4 a.m.! Sad, but true!)

So-- I started to think about how crazy it is that we willingly get into a tiny metal box with at least 20-30 other people stuffed into it with us, so that we can travel to the top of a building to see the view. And-- if this box was made out of glass-- with a clear view of everything-- yes, even the floor-- Would we be so willing? I think I thought of this because in my dream we were dangerously close to the broken elevator door, yet we didn't think twice about the possibility of falling down the chute. If the door hadn't been there, and it was just a gaping hole, dropping 102 floors to the street below, would I have been standing, laughing right on the edge? No way?! It makes my stomach flip to think about it!!!

This is where my philosophizing took over--- bear with me!!! It might not make as much sense now as it did at 4 a.m. Why do we have so much faith and trust in things that keep us from seeing reality-- like small, metal elevator boxes? -or metal airplanes flying at 30,000 feet (Would you fly in the same plane if it were made of see-through material, allowing you to see all the way to the ground-- or would you feel just as calm and relaxed, ignoring the stewardess's safety instructions!?) We assume that we will be safe and protected-- Why?

There must be some spiritual principle to be found in all of that.... Perhaps we enjoy being blinded from things that make us afraid. We don't want to see the reality of the world we live in? Or, maybe we simply choose to trust in the inventions of man-- (objects which physically exist in our tactile world-- that we can see and touch)-- over the genuine realities of God.... The Tower of Babel might be a decent analogy-- Whereas the ark built by Noah was entirely and act of faith and trust in the Lord, roughly 100 years later, the Tower of Babel served as a prideful construct of man; a "stairway to heaven", glorifying his own accomplishment and strength.

Man does not really want to eliminate God. It is only sporadically and then only for a relatively brief time that men cry out for the elimination of God. Atheism is too barren, too pessimistic and too morally bankrupt to live with very long. The communists are finding this out. No, we need "dear old God," but let's keep him under control. Do not let him get out of his place. "Don't call us, God; we'll call you." This is the fundamental philosophy of society. It is the tower of Babel all over again.

from The Beginnings, by Ray C. Stedman, Waco Books, 1978

Remember-- I warned you that it was a little of the wall!! Maybe it will make some of you think and come up with a better interpretation than I was able to invent!! :)

Happy thinking!

Our Little Cupid!

Only in Nashvegas!!

Whew! The last week I have been really entangled in spiritual "deep thoughts".... It is actually hard for me to even explain the exact nature of my ramblings, but it lies somewhere along the lines of "loving others"--

Last weekend I was asked to sing at a Bethesda conference-- a workshop for those who work with and minister to people recovering from sexual abuse or addiction. I hadn't really thought much about it-- it was just another time to sing, which I love to do, plus I was going to be leading worship with Randy Gill my worship minister at Woodmont. We have done our youth group summer camp worship sessions for many years, and we always have such a good time together. He is so wonderful, especially when he leads with his guitar.

The first day, I confess, went ok-- nothing special. We were a little hurried and had barely run through the song list. Scott was staying home from work to keep Luke while I was gone, but he still had to jump in on a few conference calls-- I hoped Luke had gone back down for a nap... I left after the opening set and didn't even stay to listen to the speaker or to sing on the last song.

The next day I figured would be more of the same-- Did God have a way of surprising me!!!

During the opening session, Randy revealed to all of us some good news about his son Chris. This is a long story in and of itself-- going of for several years, but he had really been on my heart ever since the Fresno conference. I was blessed to catch up with Randy and his wife while we were there and had learned more about his latest condition. I was so moved to hear the glimmer of hope in his voice and I felt such joy for them. I ended up staying to listen to the speaker, Marnie Feree. She attends Woodmont, and she and her husband had actually been on PrimeTime Live or some show like that on ABC earlier last year which I had seen, so I knew a little bit about her story although I had never heard her speak in person before. She began to tell her tragic story but in such a strong, victorious way-- her mom died, a man befriended her and then took advantage of her vulnerability... this began a destructive cycle of sexual dysfunction in her life. I was moved again-- she is such a gifted speaker. Her theme was how God can bring redemption through pain and she used many examples from her on tale to illustrate.

I have obviously heard the same principles many times, but something about her story really caused me to stop and think-- many people must be hurting and suffering this way-- and I am completely oblivious to it.

Last month I actually was struck by the realization that I don't love others like I should. Since I am outgoing and a social type-- it has been easy for me to overlook this. I am realizing that superficial demonstrances of concern are not what the Kingdom is about.... saying "Hi" doesn't go a long way to really making a difference in people's lives.

I have always been good at "doing" things for people-- sweet e-mails or encouraging notes or surprise gifts... But that is also a way of avoiding the real task of establishing meaningful connections with others.

I stopped to think about why this was-- and I had to conclude that I was simply being selfish. I had started focusing on my needs-- and Luke's-- and I had forgotten how to be hospitable to others. I was good at the friendships I had already established-- with the people who I considered friends and "worthy of my time" and emotional investment... But, beyond that, I had sadly been lacking.

So--- This is a ongoing process of learning and growth that I hope God will lead me through. Scott and I have committed to opening our home each week to others besides our immediate circle of friends or small group.... We want to start reaching out to those we don't know well and who might need someone to be a listening ear or kind shoulder to lean on-- who need someone to be Jesus to them in the biggest way.

The more I ponder the topic of being hospitable, the more I am convinced that it is the very core of what it means to be a Christian. When Jesus was asked what the most important law was, he said, "Love God, Love others." I am starting to see that it is really that simple. In opening our hearts and becoming vulnerable to others we truly learn how to rely on Him, to have a deeper faith, and to see the world through more compassionate eyes.

The night before last, we had taken Luke to our favorite "meat-and-three" hangout for dinner. As we were coming in, Eddy Arnold was headed out. He stopped to talk with Luke and grabbed his stomach to see for himself how big and sturdy he was!!! Eddy was a huge star back in the 50's I think was his heyday-- I wouldn't have recognized him as anything but a sweet older gentleman, except when we sat down we noticed an old autographed album cover of him on the wall! Our waitress confirmed that he was one and the same and also shared that he had just been given a lifetime achievement award by the Grammy's-- he wasn't going to attend. She said he was also mentioned in the opening scenes of Ray, the movie about Ray Charles. What a fun encounter with someone who has surely lived an interesting and colorful life!! Only in Nashvegas!!

So-- on this Valentine's Day 2005, Scott and I will go out to our favorite fancy restaurant and celebrate our 13th Valentine's together! What a wonderful time it has been! I am so blessed to have a husband who encourages me in my wacky spiritual journey and who supports me and joins me in my crusade to be a more loving Christian to everyone I meet.

Thank you, Lord!!

Count it Pure Joy...

I couldn't sleep last night for the longest time-- thoughts were just racing around in my head.... One of the topics I began pondering as one can only do at 2:00 a.m. was the concept of pain-- or rather, endurance through pain.

I guess it had been on my mind because the last thing I did before bed was reply to an e-mail. One of my family members has recently gone through a divorce. There is much pain and hurt. My advice was to remember that there is hope on the other side of pain, so we should almost learn to embrace the pain, knowing that it will make us wiser and stronger once we make it to the other side. I started thinking about how the physical realm of life actually bears this out over and over.... This week my son turned one-- Oh, how I remember the pain this time last year that I felt when the first pangs of labor struck! At first I was completely taken aback by the force and intensity of it all, but I learned pretty quickly that if I stopped trying to fight it, I could control it instead of it controlling me... When I focused on breathing in deeply and relaxing, despite the hurt, it was much more bearable... and the reward on the other side?-- Well, he is priceless!

Really, at every stage of life and in the smallest details of my ordinary routine, this is proved to be true over and over again.... When I am working out and grimacing in pain and think I can't possible lift the weights one more time... I grit my teeth and keep going-- mind over matter-- and although I literally tear my muscles down each day, they rebuild and become even stronger. I like being sore when I get out of bed in the morning because I know that I really pushed myself the day before. Or-- the pain of conquering a fear of some type... it is so hard to get up the courage to follow through, but once it is over, there is such a sense of accomplishment-- like the time I was learning to ski and the slope I was trying to tackle might as well have been Mount Everest! I was freezing and in pain because of the many falls I had already endured. I have to laugh now, because that green slope is nothing compared to the black diamond runs I can easily maneuver now.

Luke is also showing me this each day-- One day he can't sit or roll over... he is so frustrated and defeated... soon he is crawling, standing and stepping! Today I took him for his 12-month check up and he had to get two shots. I think he was definitely in pain by the way he was screaming! Even as his mom who wants to shelter and protect him in every way, I have never really gotten upset, because I know that this pain I have allowed him to experience is for his own good-- and he won't remember it in the long run!

So-- this all sounds great in the wee hours of the morning in my half-conscious state.... But, when you get those e-mails about friends and loved ones who are in the midst of their drowning seas of pain... you hurt, too. A father and mother who are grieving over their prodigal son who is still wallowing in the pit of drugs and darkness; a husband who is grieving over his wife's physical ailments and struggles; a woman wounded from the betrayal of her husband and his complete abandonment of her-- all of these are at the top of my prayer list today.

It is much easier to celebrate with people on the other side of the "Refiner's Fire" than it is to know what to say or do when someone is crying out from their loneliness or grief.

I often worry myself-- that although I logically comprehend the process of pain-- that some lessons God ultimately teaches us can only be learned through the pain experience... I fear that when my next bout with pain occurs-- whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually-- that I won't be up to the challenge-- that I will let the pain blind me from the bigger picture of it all... plus, I don't really like to think about what would have to happen in my life to bring about such pain-- betrayal, abandonment, sickness, death....

God tells us that we should consider it joy when we experience those types of trials because they do lead us to the discipline and perseverance we need to maintain our faith. It is so much harder when the human parts of us are hurting and grieving. Yet, it is this very pain which reminds us that this world is not our home and creates the restless longing in our hearts and soul for something more-- something better beyond this life and this existence... an eternal life with Him.

Thank you, Father, for promising to bring good out of our pain and sorrows-- for reminding us that You will use these times to discipline and to shape us into more of whom You want us to be. I also thank You for bringing comfort and peace to us even in the midst of our suffering and pain, and I beg You to shower the ones I love who are in pain with Your grace and mercy today-- surround them with Your love and give them wisdom and knowledge to strengthen them so that they may endure.

Luke's First Birthday Party

Luke enjoyed his cake, and we all enjoyed watching him!

Our Big Birthday Boy!

These Obstacles are My Life

Saturday was Luke's first birthday party! What an incredible day it was! He fulfilled every parent's dream of what a first birthday should be-- right down to the full face plant into his cake!

We had invited family only and tried to plan it at the most convenient time-- but that turned out to be a more complicated proposition than I had originally thought.... It is hard to make everyone happy and not hurt anyone's feelings in the process I soon learned!!! (creamed corn! as Brandon would say) But-- the way Scott and I have chosen to look at it-- the people who were meant to be there, were there, and it was the best day!

Luke officially doesn't turn one until Thursday. I spent many LATE nights last week working on a DVD compilation of his first year. It was such a wonderful thing to review six video tapes worth of his life and to literally watch him develop right in front of my eyes. As hard as I have tried, most of those early days are simply a blur, and I am even more thankful now that I videoed and took SO many photos. The final DVD was just incredible! It got a standing ovation from everyone after the last credits rolled! I had also made copies of it for everyone to take home with them. It was a good thing!

So, Luke had a ball! He loved all the balloons and all the attention! He especially loved eating his ENTIRE little birthday cake with his face!!! He got icing all over him, but it was worth it!

Well-- another milestone in life-- another red date circled on the calendar has come and gone... I have often thought how odd it is that we tend to live from "big date" to "big date"-- such is life I guess. I remember thinking the same sort of thing as Scott and I pulled out of the church parking lot in his little red truck on our wedding day, with family and friends all waving good bye: "How strange that this day I have waited for ALL my life is now over!" And now-- "How strange that this precious little one that I have waited for all my life is now ONE!!!" My goal would be to live each day as if it were the big red date circled on the calendar-- the whole "carpe diem" strategy, I suppose. That way when those "big, circled-in-red dates" do roll around, they are just icing on the cake which makes every day life a little sweeter for the moment, but at their close, still don't take away from the specialness of our daily journey.

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or debt to be paid, then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." Alfred D. Souza

"Life happens too fast for you ever to think about it. If you could just persuade people of this, but they insist on amassing information." Kurt Vonnegut.

Life does happen too fast-- at least life as we know it here! Jesus even told us, "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away" (James 4:14). Today at the Y as we were leaving class, I overheard a woman wishing our instructor "happy birthday". She smiled and thanked her and told her that she was glad to be turning 36. The woman replied, "Well, as my grandmother always said-- it's better than the alternative!" I had heard that said many times before, but I had never heard the reply that the instructor gave in response-- she said, "Well, I guess it depends on where you are going." She is so right! We cling desperately to the wonderful moments we experience here, and perhaps we should, but we should never lose sight of the fact that we are still on this side of real life--- real life with the Father. I guess if we did a better job a keeping that in mind, we would live like each day were our last-- loving and laughing more, and trying to be Jesus to all those we come into contact with each day.

Thanks for a wonderful birthday party, Lord! You are so faithful and have blessed us in SO many ways!

The gang's all here! We took quite an entourage to Fresno this year. We are blessed with people with many diverse talents and gifts in the ZOE ministry.

ZOE Girls! Love these guys! We have so much fun together.

Birthday Reflections

Yesterday was my 34th birthday-- the day came and went without much fanfare, which is probably not a bad thing! Actually, last weekend in Fresno they had a cake for me and a couple of others who shared birthdays close to mine-- it was very nice. Also this week, three dear friends took me out for lunch at our usual hang out spot. They had also gotten me thoughtful gifts-- which they shouldn't have. I guess I am the one guilty of letting the day pass unremarkably-- I have just been so busy trying to get Luke's 1st party to come together-- which ironically, he won't remember! :)

Fresno was just a wonderful trip. This was the third year that ZOE has done a conference there. I didn't get to go last year because of Luke's impending birth. It was so nice to return. We stayed with the same host couple that we were with the first year. They are so precious, and it was so comfortable being with them again. The entire College Church is so gracious. They have embraced us and loved on us like no others-- and have fed us-- I know I gained 5 pounds! The worship times were great. It is a great feeling to have such confidence in the people that you are singing with that you don't even have to think about anything else but letting go in worship. Plus, I did exceptionally well, I must say, being away from Luke for the first time, too. I didn't worry about him once-- probably because I was so busy having fun and fellowshipping in Fresno, but also because I knew he was with Scott and well taken care of and loved just as if I were there anyway. It was good for them to have a "guys weekend".... ZOE is headed to Abilene at the end of February for a longer trip, so I hope he (and I) does as good next time.

I have almost finished the DVD compilation of Luke's first year! I even surprised myself-- it is good! So, even though my house is a complete wreck from all the remodeling, etc. I think I can get everything finished and pull off a great party. The counters are in, the tile is up (grouted today), the new foyer light is hung.... The small improvements have really made a big difference.

So-- I am another year older.... and wiser?! It is odd to think that this is my first birthday as mother. I have been so blessed. Jesus was supposedly 33 when he was crucified-- my 33rd year was so charmed and full of love.... What an odd contrast to ponder upon.... I just pray that I will find ways to carry out His work in my day-to-day stay-at-home existence, and that I will set a good example for Luke to follow. Lord continue to help me!

An Empowered Life

Here's take two on what I think I wrote earlier today! :)

We have been trying to get our kitchen remodeled this month-- new countertops, tile backsplash, etc. They put the granite in Monday and hopefully the tile guy will have most of his work done Saturday. I cant' believe that we pulled off this transformation in such a short time-- basically three weeks! It's nice having friends in the contracting/builder world. Scott has wanted to upgrade the kitchen for so long. It will be nice.

On top of the frenzied chaos of picking out granite and tile and faucets and sinks--- I have also been trying to put together Luke's first birthday party! I got the invitations sent out last week and was very happy with how they turned out. We decided to just invite family this year. He won't know the difference anyway! My biggest and loftiest goal might prove to be my undoing! I am trying to take all the video footage and digital photos we have taken over the past 12 months and make a DVD to show at the party. In my head I want it to be this exquisitely put together pseudo-documentary on Luke's first year of life. Something that will bring tears to the eye, but also make us smile to think what a miracle he truly is. Scott got me the most high-tech computer that Dell makes-- and then some-- he had it built and he knows so much about computers-- I don't know much about all that spec stuff, and I got some awesome Sony editing software. I spent the last couple of night staying up late watching hours and hours of footage on the screen, sitting in awe, watching digital proof of just how fast time goes by.

It is surreal to stop and try to visualize future time-- like I wonder what I will be like when Luke is 18 and graduating from college?! What will he look like? What kind of man will he have become-- or still yet will make out of himself?! It just can't be done! Hindsight is more than "20/20" it is a genuine gift, yet we rarely stop to think of it that way. Hindsight allows us, if we stop long enough to notice, a glimpse into all things that have helped to shape us into who were are at this very minute. I am a different person after bringing Luke into the world, yes-- but I am also forever changed because I saw him laugh for the first time, and crawl, and scream "Da Da" and say "sock" every morning when I hold one up to put on his foot. (his pronunciation is more like gawk, but I know what he is saying!) I have always been sentimental about the past-- wanting to keep souvenirs of remembrance and the like-- but, I think as I am getting older, I am starting to see the past in a more complex and meaningful way. It is hard to put into words actually, but I just pray that realizing how precious time itself is, I will treasure the moments that God has given me.

I confess that I have felt "busy" lately in many aspects of life-- and it doesn't necessarily mean "busy" as in I have an overload of things to accomplish-- which I do feel-- but it is a deeper "busy"-- maybe more of an anxiety like something is happening and if I don't hurry up or open my eyes or position myself in just the right place, I might miss it. It is that restless feeling I have talked about before-- which really annoys me, because I have NO reason at all to feel restless or anxious. I admit-- I lead a pretty cushy life. To 99.9% of the world, fretting about whether or not your laundry is folded and put away is a luxurious worry. Maybe because my "worries" and "issues" are so seemingly small in comparison to SO many other things, that I feel badly about worrying at all-- maybe worry is a strong word-- badly about wanting to address the things in my life I want changed or done more efficiently.... But it all still seems foolish.... Especially when you hear news like we got on Sunday about the youth at the Highland Church in Abilene. We were so relieved that Mike and Diane's son Chris was going to be ok... but how about the parents of the little boy who died? How about the woman who was driving when the wreck occurred? How about the kids who saw the wreck happen? How about the church? How are the members supposed to deal with this? Or-- how about the tsunami victims? I could go on and on. Anyway-- I am working on trying to remind myself to stop being anxious and to be thankful. Thankful that I have a sweet, precious one year old to plan a party for-- DVD or no DVD!

It has been awhile since I have written anything of substance on the blog. I guess the "busy" junk has clouded out some of my deeper spiritual thought. I am still plowing through Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. It has really gotten to me-- I am hoping that we are going to start up a study of the book on Friday nights beginning in February with some other couples. They are good friends who also have a strong desire to be involved in the same kind of thought/study process. I have actually been pondering many things spiritual, but by the time I finally make it to the keyboard, the thoughts have gone... So, I don't guess those count.

I do want to share my new theme verse for the year-- 1 Corinthians 4:20. I can honestly say that I had never noticed it before in my life-- but a few weeks ago it jumped out at me:

• For the kingdom of God does not consist in words but in power. NAS
• God's Way is not a matter of mere talk; it's an empowered life. The Message

That is what I want! I want to live in power! Not just posses the facts and trivia that I can recite which allows me to be a card-carrying member of the church. I want to feel to the very core of my being that I KNOW what life in the kingdom is like right here, right now! To me that verse is saying-- "Put your money where your mouth is! Don't just talk about Me or even at Me-- Talk to Me, listen to Me, and come experience the amazing Power I have already placed in your life!" Please make it so, Lord!

So-- I am not sure that I have covered everything that I discussed in the "lost entry"-- but, perhaps this late night rambling is an even better offering....

I am headed out to Fresno this weekend for a ZOE conference. I am so looking forward to it. It is the first time that we have all sung together since our conference here in October. It was nice to sit around and sing together at our rehearsal run through last Sunday. It is hard to explain how easy it is for us to sing together-- it just all fits-- perfectly. We know the eccentricities of each other so well that we can anticipate where we are going--- It is our nine-year-plus history which has made us family that explains most of it. But, I also think that we all realize and have seen lived out in each other lives-- our feeble attempts to seek God. Yes, we lead worship together from coast to coast, but we all know that each of us has a genuine desire to know the Lord and to live for Him-- and we struggle and fail and also have victories along the way-- just like everyone else. LOVE those guys! It is still so crazy to think that God has used us to touch the lives of so many! Only He knows why! I pray that this weekend will be a time of renewal, sharing, and anything else the Lord wants to do!

This will be the longest I have EVER been away from Luke! I stopped nursing him last Saturday, so he really is a big boy now. Just in the past few days I have seen a subtle change in him-- He is getting more and more daring about testing his boundaries. When he reaches out to touch something he knows he isn't supposed to touch, he will continue to do so, all the while looking up at you with eyes that say, "I know I am not supposed to do this, but what will you do if I do it again anyway?" I am getting tired of smacking the hand and bottom and saying, "Mommy says 'no'" every five minutes. It just gets worse-- I know, I know! I have to admit that I kinda like the spunk I see in him when he looks a tad mischievous! I will live to regret that statement, I'm sure!

An Empowered Life

Well-- I think Satan is trying to get to me for the last post I wrote! I just spent 45 minutes writing the most thoughtful, insightful, prolific post on how my life was going, and when I hit "publish post" an error page came up, and I lost every last bit of it!

Or-- Is the Lord trying to teach me patience?!

I'll do my best to recapture what I can remember! Well-- now Luke is waking up from his nap!

It's just not meant to be today! I will try again tomorrow!

Luke's First Christmas 2004

Our Christmas Newsletter 2004

2005 has arrived!

Another year has come and gone! It seems like yesterday that Scott and I were anxiously awaiting Luke's arrival and trying to imagine what our 2004 would be like with a little one! It is such a cliche, but so true-- time does fly. It is hard to believe that our first year with Luke has almost come to an end. We have learned so much and have experienced so much through him.

We had a wonderful Christmas with family and friends. Luke was just old enough to be fun, although I am sure he really didn't know what was going on. I have always adored the entire holiday season.... I start getting excited when the air first turns cold and Halloween rolls around. Then it is hayrides, bonfires, and cookouts! Next is Thanksgiving which is always such a good time with family and friends-- so nice to take time to purposefully dedicate an entire day to being thankful for all our blessings. Then Christmas is right around the corner! Another great time to celebrate God's most important and precious gift to us! What a wonderful holiday to give presents to those we love. Everyone just seems to be in the holiday spirit all over town. Perfect strangers seem to have kind words to say to each other. Then New Year's! A time to reflect on all the terrific things that have happened and to look forward to the new year ahead. It is also a time to ponder the things we want to change or do differently the next time around. January is a big birthday month for my family-- First my little sister and Scott's cousin celebrate on the ninth, then on the 12th, my mom and Scott share a birthday. My brother-in-law's is on the 24th. Mine is at the end of the month on the 26th. Then February-- where will be celebrating Luke's first birthday on the third! Then Valentine's Day-- Then Easter and Spring Break! Then it is summer again and Mother's Day!!! There is just one great reason after another to be happy this time of year!!!

Scott didn't really come from a family who was as holiday-crazy as I am. It has taken some time, but I have finally won him over to seeing how important it is to make these celebrations a part of our family traditions. I think he loves them as much as I do now, although he still laughs at all my Christmas decorations and says that my four Christmas trees are a little much!! I just love to get caught up in all of it-- It has been especially fun to start to see it all through Luke's eyes, and I am sure that as he grows, it will just keep getting more and more fun!

We were blessed to spend time with most all of the people we love. We had Christmas parties and brunches and family dinners and gatherings.... It was so nice. I couldn't imagine a better way to spend Christmas and New Year's.

So, another year has arrived. I am not sure at all what I should resolve to improve upon in 2005-- there are so many things I could stand to do better! I know I need to spend more time working on my relationship with God-- taking it from a mere acquaintance-based status to a genuinely intimate bond.... I heard a great analogy Sunday that clicked with me and seemed to sum up my feelings. John York, our preacher, used Rubel as an example for this terrific analogy-- He kidded Rubel about being such a die-hard Yankees fan. He said he bet he knew all the inside facts and tidbits about the team and players, that he knew their past record and what certain players liked and didn't like, etc. He stated that Rubel knew just about as much as he possibly could about the Yankees.... BUT, he asked Rubel if he personally knew any of the team players or coaches. Rubel said, "Derek Jeter has yet to visit my house for breakfast, lunch, or dinner." John went on to explain that that is how most of relate to God. We are often "God fans" who know a great deal about Him, but when it comes right down to it, we don't know Him on a personal level. That is where I feel I am right now. I pray that in 2005 I can move beyond that.

We will be heading to Fresno in a few weeks for ZOE's west coast conference. That is such a fun trip. The people there are SO amazing to us and have such a heart for the Lord. I didn't get to go last year because of being 8 months pregnant, so I am looking forward to visiting with all of them this year and having my spiritual cup filled to overflowing! It is so fun to travel with the ZOE gang! It will be my first time away from Luke though, so it will also be an adjustment, though I know he will do just fine without me-- not sure about how I will do!! :)

I also have Luke's first birthday party to prepare for! I will try to get the invitations in the mail this week! It is crazy to think that our little guy is almost a year old! He is so big and smart! His hair has started to lay down now, too, so he doesn't look like a baby any more! :( I had such a great moment in church Sunday with him-- I was holding him and we were standing up singing "My God Reigns" and people were clapping and all of the sudden, Luke started clapping his hands, too! It was so great to see him joining in-- just so precious. I also hope that this year I will be able to teach Luke about God and to start him on the path to his own relationship with Him. What an awesome responsibility! I am sure he will teach me more than I can imagine about what it means to be as a little child before the Father.