Lazarus Moments

I have been so spiritually restless lately.... in the sense that I feel like there is something that I should be doing, but I just don't know what it is. I am suffering from the "faith-without-works-is-dead" fever. I am fully aware that God doesn't need me in order to accomplish anything in this world, but I desperately hope that He wants me to help in some way. Every time I bring this up with people they look at me like I am crazy. Evidently being a stay-at-home mom is ministry enough. I agree that my most important job right now is to take care of and to nurture Luke and to be a good homemaker, but.... there has to be a bigger spiritual calling on my life, isn't there?

However, I can't find any Biblical evidence to support this theory. To my knowledge, nowhere in scripture is there an example of someone coming up with his/her own plan of how best to serve God. For example, Moses was not out in the pasture with his sheep wondering, "What oh what can I do to further the will of God along today?!" He was just taking care of the sheep. Instead, God came to him and used a burning bush to get his attention. It took a great deal of persuading as well.

I have been in Bible studies that challenged me on this.... It is my responsibility to be faithful to God in the small, day-to-day tasks that comprise the Christian walk, so to speak-- Then, when He presents bigger opportunities for service, my only responsibility is to respond. It is my choice to participate or "spectate". It is not my job to come up with the master plan-- I must simply be still and wait upon the Lord to move.

But, what if He doesn't? Are all of us called to be a Moses, Abraham, Joseph, Paul, etc. in our lifetimes, or are most of us going to lead simple, quiet Christian lives that only impact those immediately in our paths? So, is living a simple "say Hi to your neighbor and invite them to church" routine what God has called the rest of us to do?

The worst part of all of this is probably the fact that in my heart I realize that I am nowhere near prepared enough or even ready to be a Moses in Pharaoh's face, or an Abraham who was ready to give up all he had to follow God to an unknown land. Maybe that is why I am anxious and restless-- because I am not satisfied with where I am spiritually-- not satisfied with the quality of my relationship with God.

I have also always thought that perhaps I have the "Rich Man and Lazarus" complex (Luke 16:19). Each day the rich man walked by Lazarus without a second thought. Lazarus only wanted the crumbs that fell off his table, but the rich man had no time or pity for him. Perhaps I am just as blind as the rich man.... Maybe God is presenting me with "Lazarus moments" each day that I am blindly walking by without a second thought. Maybe even my "crumbs" would please God if I were to recognize they were needed and share them.

Also, now that I stay home and I am no longer in the workplace, I feel like I don't have the ministering opportunities I used to have. I am somewhat isolated. The people who live around me are Christians. I assume the women I run into at the Y each day are Christian-- Hasn't everyone in Nashville heard the gospel by now? It is the buckle of the Bible belt, isn't it? So, who do I share Jesus with and how? I have been on missionary trips. It always struck me as odd that I would travel so far away from my day-to-day life just to share Jesus when I am sure that there are those in Nashville who need to hear the same things, but I am so pathetic here in my own backyard! So blind to all the Lazaruses around me.

So, I am not sure what God wants from me in the bigger sense beyond following His Son and accepting His grace. I want to be obedient to Him and to live my life like Jesus. He is going to have to open up my eyes to the things He needs me to do. For now, I need to focus more on my relationship with Him-- more time in study, thought, and prayer. More time listening instead of worrying about "doing".... Maybe, in doing this, I just might find a cure for my blindness.

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Lord, I surrender these anxious feelings to You. Take away my need to control spiritual things-- to have some type of program that will bring me and others closer to You. I acknowledge that You alone can make and implement plans, and that all my attempts are worthless if You are not the motivating force behind them. Father, work on my heart so that I will be ready to join You in Your work, whenever-- and however-- You call. Amen.